Yahoo Lifestyle Divorced Women Are Revealing The "Hard Realities" Of Marriage That People Never Talk About
We wrote a post where divorced women shared the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about, and it started a huge discussion. So, when we asked more divorced women of the BuzzFeed Community to share their perspectives, they revealed even more hard lessons and realities of marriage that they think more people should know. Here's what they had to say:
1."At least for me, it was having to do everything by myself! It was exhausting. If I asked for help, he'd just respond with, 'Well, make me a list!' Who makes my list? No one, because I have eyes. Making me responsible for him and what he's doing is just more emotional and physical labor."
"AND then he would throw a temper tantrum like a child and tell me I was always telling him what to do. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. It was immeasurably less stressful without him."
2."Emotional affairs. It's not just 'having a good friend' when she knows things about me that my best friends don't even know — and that I told you, my husband, and assumed confidence. That violation hurts more than if you slept with her in front of me."
—Anonymous, Canada
3."You become so financially tied to each other. I know it's silly, but it's hard to leave because you don't know if you can survive without that other person while also being a parent."
4."The hardest part was finding out he only wanted a wife to help him with his boys from a previous marriage. He basically treated me like a caretaker. I loved the guy; it was my nature to love him and take care of him and his boys. As time passed, he would only say 'I love you' and be happy with the services I provided. That hurt a lot. "
"Then, when his teenage boy was disciplined, goal-oriented, and a great student, he said it was time for us to go separate ways. That hurt a lot, and I'm happy without him."
—Anonymous, 41, Minnesota
5."No one talks about how possible it is for the love of your life to turn into a stranger. My husband was my best friend, my favorite person, my ride-or-die. But we got older and had a kid, and priorities changed, and his poor coping mechanisms turned into addictions and escapism. And eventually, he turned into a man capable of things I never would have thought possible."
"Our 14th anniversary would have been in March, but our divorce will be final in February."
6."The hardest part for me was realizing that now, my life had to be planned around his — me or what I wanted to do didn't matter. To make matters worse, if something he did bothered me, it was 'tough luck' for me, leaving me no choice but to stay and shut up about it or leave. So, I picked left."
"Boy, they don't understand that — they try and try to get you back. Ladies, don't go back; they do the same thing all over again. I love my single life and will never marry again."
7."Being the most important person in his life to the most insignificant. He didn't want to share his feelings about work, our relationship, finances, etc. I needed more connection. He cared more about sports, his friends, and how he was perceived from the outside. He couldn't care less how he was perceived by his wife and children."
"Being lonely with a spouse is worse than being alone by choice."
8."That equality really doesn't exist. The majority of women continue to shoulder all the responsibilities of the household and are the default parents. I thought that when I got married, it would be different from what other generations experienced regarding having both a career and a family. Socially, society hasn't really caught up either. Maintaining a successful career and making sure your kids have all the play dates, birthdays, sports, socials, etc that they need when growing up is damn near impossible when you are the default (or single) parent."
"Not all men, but I think a fair amount, like the idea of a wife that can be a breadwinner or contribute 50% financially but do 99% of everything else."
—Anonymous, 35, Canada
9."Just because you take your vows seriously does not mean your partner does. My partner knew I took marriage seriously, so he thought he could get away with being a horrible person because I 'would never get a divorce.' I never thought of him cheating because I never would do that. One of his many affair partners called me to let me know she had been with him since before we got married."
"Weird because she must have been OK with not being claimed in public, but I guess she finally got fed up. My only thought was that if he wasn't with me (the wife) or her, then who was he with? That stumped her. I told her to be a better detective and follow the 'blue's clues' to her true competition. My husband begged me to stay and do counseling. He was so unhinged that the male counselor told me to leave him and gave us our money back."
10."People comment about women' letting themselves go' after marriage. What people don't realize is that for centuries, women across cultures have been socialized to give themselves away to their spouses/partners and children. Men are not socialized the same way."
"Ask yourself how much time and effort you want to put into socializing your partner to be an engaged partner and co-parent."
—Anonymous, 50, New York
11."Been married four times. I've had a wide range of issues. I do not believe in divorce. Ironically, except for one, they all pursued divorce. It blows my mind that I have such a poor judge of character. I've experienced infidelity (multiple), physical abuse (1), mental abuse (2), substance abuse (2), financial issues (2), abandonment (1), and being thrown over for family/friends to live in long-term (2). The hardest part is understanding why they convince you to marry them but don't want to be married."
"I didn't go looking for three of these marriages. I even said I wasn't looking for more than friends to get married again. They convinced me to marry them, agreed to no divorce before the marriage, and kicked me out or abandoned me as soon as I didn't agree with everything. I only argue about stuff that will affect our lives for at least five years, honoring their word and respecting my boundaries. One husband was good — a friend despite infidelity, etc. We're still friends. It's a jungle out there!"
12."Pretending with family and friends in public that everything was good. In reality, he had volatile mood swings, accused me of things I never did or even thought of, said if I didn't like it, I could leave, habitually threatened divorce, gave no discussion or heartfelt apology, and expected me to be happy and desire him like nothing had happened. It was so strange to watch women fawn over him like he was so great while I just thought, 'Wow, if you only knew.'"
—57, USA
13."When you get married, society expects you to become 'the wife' — someone who supports her husband's goals, takes care of the house, raises the kids, etc. You stop being yourself and become this 'mom' character who is supposed to keep it all together for the family's sake. Your husband, meanwhile, is expected to do very little. He maintains his friends, hobbies, and lifestyle, while 'the wife' is blamed if the house looks bad or the kids are not looking and acting perfectly. I worked full-time for my entire marriage, yet relatives complained that I wasn't doing my duty as a wife if dishes were in the sink or if my husband forgot someone's birthday. He gained a secretary, nanny, therapist, and cheerleader in marriage. I gained nothing from him except complaints that I was too tired."
"I was the one who put out the garbage, did repairs, and got rid of spiders. He put us in massive debt without consulting me. All of my goals were minimized in favor of his. Eventually, I quit 'the wife' job because it had no perks and no pay. Now, I'm still a mom, but I'm also a person with her own goals and needs. I have more money now that I'm single and more time to myself. If my ex's house is dirty, he's the only one to blame."
—Anonymous, 50, Canada
14."That when the chips are really down (e.g., cancer, health, employment), some of them have not been socialized to support, but rather to micro-sabotage. Not only do we have to survive, we have to survive them. And then the kids show signs, and it's soul-crushing."
—Anonymous, 51, Oregan
15."I found it so lonely when my husband got a computer a few months after we married and became addicted to online gaming. His every free moment was spent at that damn computer, literally. Maybe I was a boring spouse, but I tried plenty of things to get him off his computer and do things we could do together. The only thing that worked was if I offered sex, but it wasn't a nice long session with foreplay and cuddling and intimacy — nope, it was in, out, repeat until he's 'happy,' then he'd head right back out to his computer. He was also big into porn, I discovered when I used his computer one day and porn site pop-ups filled the screen (1990s)."
"What was surprising was after he took his items (including the computer) and moved them to storage in the state he was moving to, we still had about a month before the hearing, so we lived together and got close again. But I knew not to change my mind because if we stayed together, it'd be the same situation as soon as that computer returned."
16."Trying so hard to be a super wife and did not receive appreciation from my husband, having to act like a caretaker for him and his two boys from a previous marriage. Trying to show relatives a good face when the marriage was falling apart. It hurt when he took all the credit when we did activities and when it was my creative ideas that made him win a big contest. I left the marriage way before I physically left him. He seemed like the perfect husband, but he was far from being one."
"Also, I listened to him, and when it was my turn for him to listen, he was too tired, so he turned around and went to sleep. The hardest part was accepting and realizing when to ask for divorce. I wish I had done it sooner!"
—Anonymous, Minnesota
17."In-laws. They really do matter. I married young (19), he was five years older. His parents never accepted me or my family. They never hid it. They tried setting him up with other women the entire time, including on our wedding day. He could never stand up to them or tell them the truth about some 'life events,' like being fired from a job. His explanation to them was he wanted to go in a different direction. We moved back to our hometown, and even though they had a big house with just the two of them, we moved in with my family in a two-bedroom apartment. We could come and 'stay a night or two if we needed to.' After new employment, we moved to another state. I started to have serious health issues...didn't care. My father died...no big deal."
"My health got worse, and he started to pull away emotionally and physically. I made the decision that I needed to take my life back, mentally and physically, and I decided to leave, move back 'home,' and live with my mom (she and my dad had just bought a house just before he died). I could not take all of my belongings, and we agreed he would bring them to me when he moved back. A few months passed, and we heard noises from the driveway on a Sunday afternoon. I look out, and it's his father unloading my items from a truck. He knew we saw him, and he came up to the door and told my mom, 'Ah, we have uh, uh' — my mom says my name — 'Yeah "her" stuff out here on the driveway,' and he walked away. From wedding to divorce was four-ish years. Getting out of that family was a weight lifted off of me. I've been happily married to a wonderful man for 36 years, and his family accepted me from day one!"
—Anonymous, 64, Florida
18."Society has high expectations of married women but such a low standard for men. It becomes a problem once your checked-out spouse starts acting that way, and suddenly, what you do is not good enough, but they don't look at their own contributions."
—Anonymous, 44, California
19."The hardest part of marriage is realizing that we have this preconceived idea of what a marriage is or what it is supposed to be, which is not the reality. Marriage is full of ups and downs and is ever-evolving. Some periods are amazing and fun, while others are dull and lackluster. Some periods are lonely while others you feel smothered."
20."The mental and physical load, and it being taken for granted. Raising kids with someone who spent most days completely checked out of the family is hard. I would empty and fill the dishwasher daily with not so much as a 'thank you' but let him empty or load it one time in four years, and he expects a parade. He also somehow managed to have clean clothes every day with no thought given as to where they came from. One of the kids once complimented me for how good our clothes smelled, and he said, 'So? That's her job.' The best day of my life was the day the judge signed off on the divorce after 26 years together."
"I've lived alone for several years now and take care of and answer to no one but my dog. I'll take a good, loving dog over a husband any day of the week."
—Anonymous, 60, Ohio
And finally...
21."The hardest part for me was that my ex-husband hid who he was until the ink on the marriage license was dry. Overnight, he became incapable of cooking for himself, refused to be social with anyone other than me, and wouldn't pull his weight around the house because now that we were married, it was 'woman's work.' I was constantly cleaning up after him. It escalated when I was at work one day, and the dog we'd brought into the house as a 'trial run' for a baby ate the dark chocolate he left out, and he said he'd have me take the dog to the vet HOURS LATER because he didn't feel like driving. That was strike one."
"He left drops of urine on the toilet seat because cleaning them up wasn't his responsibility if he wasn't sitting down. Strike two. Then he took to leaving feces on the back of the toilet seat for me to deal with. That was strike three. The divorce conversation blindsided him, but I never understood how; he stopped partnering at day one, and I could never partner enough for us both."
—Anonymous, 37, California
Divorced women, what are the "hardest parts" of marriage that no one talks about? Let us know in the comments below. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, feel free to use this Google form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
