Yahoo Lifestyle Women Who Were "Tradwives" And Got Divorced Are Sharing How And Why They Left Their Marriages, And It's Both Eye-Opening And Infuriating
Content warning: this article contains mention of abuse and sexual assault.
Recently, I wrote an article sharing stories from people who actually were 20th-century "tradwives" about what the lifestyle was like for them. Their stories prompted me to ask divorced members of the BuzzFeed Community who have been trad- or stay-at-home wives what it was like and how their relationship came to an end. Here are their stories.
1."He decided to trade me in for a newer model with a trust fund. We were 10 years into what I thought was a good marriage. I was wrong."
"He married her months after our divorce. Now, 20+ years later, they are miserable. Bicker constantly according to my children, and I'm quite okay with not being with him or dealing with her.
Yes, she knew he was married with two young children, but pursued him anyway. No, I'm not sorry for how it all turned out; ultimately, probably for the best. I've had a great life and career. I spent the last two decades making sure my kids are okay, and soon it will be time for me. Being a starter wife was a blessing in disguise. I think ultimately, we all got what we deserved."
2."I guess I fell into the category of tradwife: a stay-at-home mom to two kids [who] homeschooled them and had a great community of friends doing the same kind of thing. I wouldn't say we [my husband and I] were 'trad' like what you see on TikTok; it wasn't a goal of mine or anything, we just did what worked for us. Until it didn't work anymore."
"Our relationship started feeling off, emotionally, physically, it all just started falling apart slowly over a year or so. He worked so much, we lived apart when our second child was born because of work. It was a lot. We did therapy and tried all sorts of things until we decided to divorce.
Turned out, my husband was gay, didn't want to ever face it due to his own reasons (parental shaming as a kid, amongst other things) [and had] created the life he thought he should have and had been having affairs online for years.
I understand why he couldn't be truthful sooner, but I think it's wild he lived a whole different life for so long. He ended up having a lot of resentment towards me because I wasn't what he wanted, but he felt like he needed to live the 'traditional life'. We're in such a better place now, friendship-wise and personally. Life is crazy!"
—Anonymous
3."Honestly? It just got boring. We didn't divorce because of the 'traditional' aspect; I only stayed home until our kids were a little bigger, and after that, oh, my God. It was SO. BORING. There's only so much pilates and painting and getting-coffee-with-the-girls you can do before your brain starts to atrophy; I needed work!"
"So, our traditional lifestyle came to an end. I got a job that was pretty flexible, so I was still the more 'hands-on' parent when it came to the kids. Our marriage worked totally well like that for a few years... until it turned out my husband was a pathological liar, [a] drug user, and was embezzling money from his company 😁. We are divorced, he is in jail, and I have a big-girl job now. I'm happy to be able to support myself and my kids!"
—Anonymous
4."He simply didn't respect the role that I was in. Unfortunately, I had a rough time as a single mom before meeting my ex. When he came into our lives, he love-bombed me and convinced me that he wanted me to be a stay-at-home parent so the financial stress would be off of me, and I could just stay home and enjoy being a mom. At first, it was great; but then it felt like I was a single parent all over again and he was just paying the bills."
"He would never help with our children and was always yelling at them. He would get mad at me if I ever bought anything for myself or our children, even if it was a $5 T-shirt from Walmart. It wasn't because we couldn't afford it, but because he wanted to spend all of the money on himself."
"He kept so many secrets, like opening credit cards without my knowing. We are currently going through a divorce and I'm going to get stuck paying 50% of his $60k credit card debt even though I had no knowledge of it. I wasn't allowed to know any of the financials and was 'living' off of a $400 per month allowance for groceries, gas, and household expenses.
"I began going to school and he would try to convince me to drop out all the time. I took night classes that didn't end until 10 p.m. and in the three years I was taking those classes, our youngest was asleep by the time I got home a total of five times. Every other time, our youngest would be awake next to his sleeping dad, one hand in a bag of family-sized chips, and one hand holding his dad's phone [watching] YouTube videos depicting things that would give ME nightmares.
I finally had enough and told him I wanted a divorce early last year. Since then, he has made my life absolutely miserable. Every time he has the kids for his visits, he doesn't feed them meals but gives them endless amounts of candy. He gives our 11-year-old energy drinks, so she comes back home to me completely riled up, sick to her stomach, and moody.
He's not a good parent because he doesn't want to be, and he likes to make my life harder since I wouldn't remain his tradwife. According to him, I needed to be more like his mom — even requesting that I dress like her even though I'm in my early 30s and she's almost 70... My kids and I are a million times happier with him out of the house."
—Anonymous
5."Being a 'tradwife' as the kids call it nowadays had its good and bad. I was very happy to be the parent who stayed home with the kids, and my husband had a great job that could support us all. I know many happy couples with this setup. The problem, though, is that there's no "insurance" in the event that he decides to leave you."
"After nine years of marriage, my husband told me that he had fallen in love with another woman and that our marriage would come to an end. He said he would always support our children, which he has done.
But to this day, he fails to comprehend that all the years I spent supporting our family at home were years that I could have spent building up my salary, and my life, to support our family in a different way. I didn't just lose nine years of a salary; I lost nine years of building my salary. At 35, I had to start over making what a college grad would make."
—Anonymous
6."It was hell. I have a Bachelor of Science in nursing and ended up with a husband who decided he didn’t want me to work at all (prior to kids!) so I stayed home."
"He was threatened by any friends I had or if I had fun without him, so he deleted all my contacts. Then my car needed to be fixed, and he chose not to do it even though we had plenty of money.
I was trapped at home with no support system (my family was in another state), no friends, no work to fulfill me, and nothing to do. I’m basically ready for jail life if I ever have to go for any reason. I used my whole first paycheck after I got my first Big Girl Job to overpay a new friend for a photo shoot with my divorce settlement paperwork I received in the mail. Well worth it."
—Anonymous
7."Not divorced, but widowed. [Being a 'tradwife'] was a decision made from a purely financial standpoint at first. I made less money than daycare would cost and also was not yet in an established career."
"I LOVED staying home with my kids and got used to being in charge of the house, cooking, cleaning, [and] whatever else came with it.
However, my husband died and now it is almost impossible to find a job after having taken so many years away from working. So if you’re a tradwife/stay-at-home parent, I’d recommend doing whatever small things you can to be able to put something on your resume in case you find yourself having to make a life change!"
—Anonymous
8."I am from a culture (LDS) that prioritizes getting married very young. My husband was somebody I knew from high school and from church, and he was a fun-loving guy as a teenager. We got married when I was 19 and had three kids together. By the time he was 24 or 25, he was growing more controlling — but it was all stuff I thought was cute and normal, if possessive, at first."
"Then things progressed; he didn't want me seeing my friends outside the home anymore, he convinced me to leave my part-time job, and he didn't see why I needed to have a credit card (instead of a debit card he now funded). He said I needed to prioritize the kids, even though we could afford childcare and my parents are very hands-on.
It only took a few months after leaving that job for me to realize my closed-off life was leaving me isolated and depressed — he even wanted to limit the time I spent with my own sister! Without telling him, I started applying for jobs again and landed a full-time position. Then, I sat him down and very calmly told him that he could either let me work or we could get divorced. He was pretty mad (as were some people in my community, when they found out), but..."
"We are now divorced. I realized that that man was not the nice boy I knew from high school. Getting married young can be really great, but it's not for everyone. I would even (although many people I know would disagree with me) say it's not for most people."
"Girls, you deserve to know who A) yourself and B) your husband are as ADULTS before you get married and have kids with him. I am doing great now, feel wonderfully in control of my own life, and love my children so much. Being free does not limit my own or my children's lives at all."
—Anonymous
9."I was a traditional wife who worked outside of the home about 25% of the 59-year marriage. I was responsible, hard-working, and did everything. He worked. He physically, emotionally, and verbally abused me. He raped me. He pissed away nearly $300k. He always lied. He cheated. I finally got sick of being used and abused."
"Before he moved out, he transferred all his retirement accounts to a his-name-only account and replaced me as the beneficiary on everything. Money was the only thing he contributed, so ultimately I divorced him. He and my lawyer procrastinated (both are greedy, selfish miscreants) and dragged things out for over a year. He walked away with 12 contempt citations, a new car, and $100k annual income. I am destitute, but free."
—Anonymous
10."I'm not divorced, but I wanted to be. My husband passed away, and I feel very guilty for feeling this way, but it has been a blessing in my life."
"I am American from a very conservative Muslim family. I guess I wasn't a 'tradwife' in the current online way, which feels very Christian-oriented to me, but really with conservative religions, it's all the same. I went to college, but I'm pretty sure the point of my education was so my parents could 'brag' about it. They made it very clear to me that I was lucky to be 'allowed' to go, unlike my cousins back in Bangladesh, and that they wanted me to find a husband. It was like my life was the 1950s.
Well, I found a really nice guy, he was from a similar background but he himself was pretty secular (more so than me). He drank and partied with his friends. We got married out of college. Turns out, he was very willing to turn up his 'conservative' side once we were married."
"First, it was that he wanted me to stay home while he worked. At the time, I was all about it — hell yes, I'll stay home and let you buy me things and fund my life! But — buckle up — problems started when I gave birth to a baby girl."
"I got pregnant again and suffered [a] miscarriage that was very traumatic for me. He blamed me and wanted me to get pregnant as soon as I could so he could have a son. That was a red flag and [was] when I started seriously considering leaving him, but I didn't have any money.
Eventually, he hit me. He only did it once, but for me, that was enough. I packed up and went to my parents' and demanded a divorce. I don't think he would have given me one, but I guess it doesn't matter because...
That night, he said he was going to 'come get' me and [our daughter]. [He] got in a car accident (his fault), and died from his injuries two days later. Turns out, he was drunk when it happened.
It has been two years and our daughter is starting first grade soon. I am very happy I have my degree, because I now have a stable job. We are not rich but I never want another man to 'provide' for me. I can make do for myself."
—Anonymous
11."It has been very hard. I feel a lot of guilt. I wanted to stay married for our family, but he got to be too much. I didn't have very much bargaining power in the relationship, but now we are divorced and I have my own job, which is nice."
Something that's hard is that I come from quite a religious community and am still very religious, but lots of single-mother support groups etc. are very anti-Christian (I have grace for them, because a lot of them have been abused by their communities). I myself find a lot of inner strength in Jesus.
"Sometimes in dark moments I still doubt if I did the right thing, but then I remind myself I am being ridiculous. My husband beat me. I had to leave before he turned on our children. I have full custody and a restraining order. I am proud of myself for getting out."
—Anonymous
12."I was one of the thousands of women who were in the workforce before COVID and left when it struck. At the time, I had a 3-year-old and [a] 2-year-old, and [when] life with COVID reached a point [where] I COULD return, I decided to stay. I now have a 6-year-old, a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old, [and a] divorce in progress."
"He completely shut down as a parent in the house and refused to even be a partner to me romantically. He focused on professional joy only and I felt alone and exhausted. He did not manage the finances. He did not want to advance his career. I just couldn't take it anymore."
—Anonymous
13."I was a stay-at-home mom, got a remote job because I didn’t have personal money to spend, moved halfway across the country per his urging (away from my family), and then he convinced me to quit my job because I 'couldn’t take care of the house like I used to.' (Not true.) The day after my last day of work, we went to our seventh-anniversary dinner, and on the way home he decided he was done with no reason other than he didn’t want to be married anymore."
"We drove home, paid the babysitter, and while our children slept, he left. He was gone for two months (my lawyer’s PI couldn’t even find him) with no communication with me or our children.
He then acted like I was trying to pull one over on him because I sold things to make rent and feed our children, [said] that I cheated on him (I didn’t) and was hiding money from him (but he’s hidden money from me, in reality)."
"Flash forward two years and he hasn’t paid child support in almost a year and refuses to help me take care of our children or to take me off of any credit cards or loans that he fraudulently signed my name to. All while he’s a CTO of a tech company and living with his girlfriend."
"I’m currently in the process of suing him for child support and alimony as outlined in our divorce agreement. Thank God I have my parents to help because otherwise, I’d be homeless, have to move back in with them, and would essentially have to give up my rights to the kids because of 'abandonment.'
I was able to get my job back but was laid off soon after during a company-wide layoff. I’m still looking for work over a year later, but I can’t leave or I may never get my kids back because of the laws in my state (as advised by my lawyer)."
—Anonymous
14.And finally: "God, once he wanted to go 'trad' the marriage lasted like, two seconds, LOL. I'm very pro letting people live how they want to live — but that lifestyle is NOT for me, and he married me knowing my personality."
"I loved him a lot, we met at work (if that says anything) in our 20s, and got married when he was 30 and I was 29. After two years he wanted to move to Connecticut and have a baby.
Well, the baby just wasn't happening for us... which I am now grateful for... and I was NOT moving to Connecticut. We were having sex less and whenever we were, he was stressed about making the non-existent baby. I started falling out of deep love with him and I felt so guilty, but he kept getting kind of... meaner?
It all clicked one Thanksgiving at his parents' place. His mom was being pretty weird and kept ordering me around and acting like I couldn't do anything quite right. After we went home, he kept harping on about 'wasn't his mom so great and isn't she so talented at hosting and maybe we could try to host Christmas' if I thought I was up to it, etc. All of a sudden I realized: he didn't want me, his girlfriend anymore. He wanted a mommy.
We are now separated and he has been dating a new girl. I heard from a mutual friend that they are already engaged, and we're not even divorced yet! I feel for him because I know how badly he wants a child, but I think he's letting it control his life. I'm worried for his mental health in the case that he never has kids."
—Anonymous
Let me know your thoughts on all of the above. And if you have your own story involving a "traditional" marriage, please feel free to share down below.
Please note: some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE, which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.
