Curaleaf's Select THC gummies and seltzers don't reinvent the genre (but don't have to)

Welcome back to FTW’s Beverage of the Week series. Here, we mostly chronicle and review beers, but happily expand that scope to any beverage that pairs well with sports. Yes, even cookie dough whiskey.

We're seeing the cannabis world evolve in real time. Since the introduction of the 2018 Farm Bill, engineers and growers have found a way to mimic the effects of marijuana with THC derived from hemp. Between that and legalization efforts at the state level, there's never been a more robust selection of options,

That rising market crashed into another as THC-infused seltzers became one of the dominant avenues for delivering a healthier calm than beers can provide. Curaleaf dove in to the American market straddling the line of non-smokable cannabis products -- giving us a classic lineup of seltzers while riding another high tide in THC products via gummy candies. The flavors are fairly basic, serving mostly as a platform to showcase the cannabis inside.

So do they live up to a rising standard across a still-booming industry?

Classic Bites (Watermelon): B+

The taste is low-key watermelon candy. It's not quite the watermelon slices you'd get from Sour Patch Kids, despite the dusting of sugar granules on the outside. It's a little lighter than that, and the watermelon is no-doubt artificial flavoring but without the acidic tang you'd get from a hard candy or energy drink.

Still, it's sweet and there's little to give away the five milligrams of legal THC in each bite. The package promises a balanced effect, not particularly strong but lasting a while. These aren't the Snooze Bites, but given my interactions with THC I'm using it to help me sleep. The advantage to this over a can of seltzer is, well, I'm 40 years old and this is far less likely to wake me up to pee at 4 am.

Around 45 minutes later I do feel a pleasant lack of urgency. I'm slightly tired, but mostly relaxed. It's nice. I was able to fall asleep with ease, unconsciously turning off old episodes of The Office on my laptop some 45 minutes in. I didn't do a great job of staying asleep -- I was up around 4 am, then 6, then 7 for good -- but this helped.

Snooze Bites (Grape): B

It's, uh, purple and lightly coated in granulated sugar (or sugar substitute). It's got a nice gummy texture, giving way under a little bit of pressure and giving off some grape flavor.

There's more of a weedy taste to the Snooze Bites than the Classic, perhaps owing to the CBN -- a less potent cannabinoid than CBD. You won't mistake it for a normal gummy, which is safe, I suppose. You're not going to accidentally house a bag of these without knowing what you're getting into.

It doesn't taste great, but it's not enough of a turnoff to keep you away. My hope is this gets me through a solid night of sleep right before the Great Taste of the Midwest. Yep, setting the base for a day of drinking like a responsible adult. Forty-five minutes in and I'm feeling a little hazy, but nothing major. I'm gonna hold off on taking a second, but I'll admit it's on the table.

The buzz is calm and low key, shutting off just enough of the manic parts of my brain to mess up my nighttime game of KenKen and help push into the REM stage of sleep.

Zero Proof Mango Cannabis Infused Seltzer: B

This pours with a frothy white head -- denser than you'd expect from a seltzer in any form. It smells  well, like mango seltzer. The fruit flavor is bold and a little creamy, which tracks. Mango isn't my favorite fruit, but there's no denying it's an artificial flavoring cheat code thanks to that low key cream vibe it brings to the table.

This is more La Croix than High Noon, which means you're stuck lingering on dry, crisp bubbles rather than sweet mango flavor at the end. The fruit is there in the middle, a little bitter against the backdrop of heavy carbonation. There's a floral element that sticks to the back of your mouth, and based on the slight aftertaste of the Select Bites I'll chalk that up to the THC inside.

The can promises "fast-acting," and after 15 minutes I'm not getting much. But I drink slow, and after an hour, yep, I'm feeling a little loopy. Nothing out of the ordinary, just enough to make me bad at puzzles. Which is where I'd like to be.

Zero Proof Lime Cannabis Infused Seltzer: B

Ugh. Lime seltzers all lie on the same graph with axes labeled "boring" and "artificial," which makes me decidedly nonplussed by this basic flavor. But hey, maybe it will be the one good lime seltzer out there.

Cracking the can unveils a light lime flavor not unlike old Runts candies. With juuuuust a hint of weed in the background. Think a 17-year-old's basement in the late 1990s. The taste is... whoa. It's Skittles. It's Skittle lime; tart up front before giving way to sugary sweetness and carried off by a current of bubbles. But something about it is familiar and almost chewy.

It's maybe slightly too tart to be a winner, but it does go above and beyond the "bubbles, citric acid, call it a day" laziness of other lime seltzers.

Zero Proof Berry Cannabis Infused Seltzer: C

I'm not sure which berry this is -- blue, rasp, mixed -- but I imagine it will taste vaguely reddish purple. The smell off the top confirms this, but it also smells more like weed than either of the two seltzers that preceded it.

That's not as apparent in the first sip, but it does hang over the opening notes before that tart fruit is whisked away by sweet bubbles. It mars the whole experience, leaving you to linger on that bitter, herbal note despite Select's best efforts to cover it up. I don't know why it's so much more harsh with the berry than the lime or mango, but it's noticeable.

That said, it's still drinkable and if you like harsher seltzers like La Croix it might ring your bell.

Zero Proof Orange Cannabis Infused Seltzer: C+

Crack the can and you get a wave of weed, then creamsicle. Which, weird. It smells like you dropped a one-hitter in a gallon of Sunny Delight.

Ultimately, the orange flavor is thin, washed out by the bubbles and not quite covering the cannabis underneath. It's got an artificial sugar sheen to it, but it finishes dry which makes it fairly easy to come back to. It's a bit of a mess, but it's acceptable because, well, the THC inside is doing its job and you're only drinking one.

If you've got a stronger tolerance, however, this is gonna wear you down. It's drinkable but not entirely enjoyable.

Would I drink it instead of a Hamm's?

This is a pass/fail mechanism where I compare whatever I’m drinking to my baseline cheap beer. That’s the standby from the land of sky-blue waters, Hamm’s. So the question to answer is: on a typical day, would I eat/drink Curaleaf's THC products over a cold can of Hamm’s?

Select and Zero Proof replace what would be my final beer (or two) of the evening. That's great for my hangovers and cuts into the calorie surplus I typically build on a Saturday night. It's a win, even if the seltzer flavors are basic as hell.

This article originally appeared on For The Win: Curaleaf's Select THC gummies and seltzers don't reinvent the genre (but don't have to)