The worst Christmas crackers jokes revealed

If there’s one Christmas tradition that always gets the conversation flowing around the dinner table, it’s pulling apart those crackers to reveal the tiny jokes inside.

However, there’s no denying Christmas crackers can contain some absolutely brutal jokes, which can either go down like a lead balloon or have the whole gang in stitches of laughter.

People opening Christmas crackers
There's nothing quite as funny as an awful Christmas cracker joke. Photo: Getty Images

A survey conducted by online greetings card marketplace asked people to submit the worst Christmas cracker jokes they’ve ever heard and the results are pretty hilarious and cringeworthy.


See the top (or bottom) 10 below:

1. What do you get if you lie under a cow? A pat on the head

2. Why is Parliament like ancient Bethlehem? It takes a miracle to find three wise men there.

3. Why did nobody bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? They were two deer

4. What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we'll go places

5. Why are christmas trees so bad at knitting? Because they always drop their needles

man laughing at a Christmas cracker
Christmas cracker jokes are a surefire way to get the party going. Photo: Getty Images

6. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsillitis

7. What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve.

8. What did the snowflake say to the fallen leaf? You are so last season

9. What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper

10. What is the best Christmas present? A broken drum, you can't beat it

Other jokes that didn’t make it into the top ten include: “What carol do they sing in the desert? O Camel Ye Faithful” and “How does Santa keep track of all the fireplaces he's visited? He keeps a logbook.”

Man and his kids pulling Christmas crackers
The pulling apart of a Christmas cracker will never get old. Photo: Getty Images

If that’s not enough hilarity for you, some other stinkers included: “My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public, I said maybe” and “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug”.

A previous survey of 2,000 people by OnePoll also revealed some shockers, including, “Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy”, “What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker” and “What's a horse's favourite TV show? Neigh-bours”.

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