Chrissy Teigen Says She Feels Like a 'Shrunken Version of Myself' and Lives Life 'Scared' in Emotional Post

“I don’t enjoy much outside my family, my few friends, television and crafts," Teigen wrote in the candid message

<p>Chrissy Teigen/Instagram</p> Chrissy Teigen in her candid May 24 Instagram post

Chrissy Teigen/Instagram

Chrissy Teigen in her candid May 24 Instagram post

“I now live my whole life so scared.”

This is just one of the sentiments Chrissy Teigen shared in a candid new message with her followers, in which she opened up about her fear of life, existing as a “shrunken version” of herself and the “dark” times she has recently weathered.

In a May 24 Instagram post, the model and cookbook author, 38, documented herself doing a log crossing, along with the emotional message — a lengthy caption about what the crossing helped her realize.

“I did this log crossing a few years ago when I last came here, when I was struggling mentally. It was incredibly hard then,” she wrote. “My feet felt like they were 1,000 pounds each, my body tensed up to the point I felt like I was in a car crash after coming down.”

Related: Chrissy Teigen Shares Smile-Filled Carousel of Son Wren: ‘Pure Joy Appreciation Post’

The mom of four said she thought it would be “so different” this time around, noting, “While I still struggle mentally, I thought I could make the pain go away by relaxing my body, breathing and just taking in and enjoying what I was doing.”

“But plot twist!! It was just as hard,” she wrote. "I shaved off a little time, but what I love about this is how much it surprises you and how much you learn about yourself.”

Teigen said she “thought that since I have seen times that were so dark since the last time I did this, that I would be fearless on this god damn thing.” Instead, she wrote, “I’m still so scared.”

"Then I realized I now live my whole life so scared,” said the star (who shares kids Luna, 8, son Miles, 6, Esti, 16 months, Wren, 11 months, with husband John Legend).

<p>Paul Morigi/Getty</p> Chrissy Teigen

Paul Morigi/Getty

Chrissy Teigen

“I don’t enjoy much outside my family, my few friends, television and crafts," Teigen continued. "I feel like a very shrunken version of myself. And I know I am meant to be big.”

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The TV personality then proceeded to address her fans and followers directly, sharing that she is “really scared of letting you guys down.”

“... and I find myself fighting with myself all day in my brain with things I want to say, things I want to explain, but I’m just so fearful,” she continued. “I miss so many parts of myself and I hope one day I can shed some fear and accept that I will never be perfect for you guys and that is okay!!”

“But for now,” she added, “I will continue to work on it all and try to balance my brain with rational thoughts, and try to be kind to myself and my body and mind. And I will always continue to ramble aimlessly in captions.”

If you or someone you know needs mental health help, text "STRENGTH" to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 to be connected to a certified crisis counselor.

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