Yahoo Lifestyle Are You Being Bullied—As An Adult? Here's How You Can Tell, Per Experts
When you think of bullying, high school drama might immediately come to mind: Perhaps you picture the girls you thought were your friends passing mean notes about you in class, or you replay the scene where Johnny Lawrence beats up Daniel LaRusso in the O.G. Karate Kid movie. Unfortunately, bullies don’t magically disappear on graduation day—many of them continue these habits through adult bullying.
Bullies—both as children and adults—feel a need to dominate others for their own personal gain or satisfaction and can cause serious harm to their victims, says Bill Eddy, LCSW, co-founder of High Conflict Institute and the author of Our New World of Adult Bullies. However, bullying has nothing to do with the victim and everything to do with the bully themselves, as they often have low confidence that causes them to behave this way, says Eddy. Perhaps the bully themself was abused from an early age and, consequently, learned that bullying was the best way to handle conflict, he adds.
On the flip side, bullying can also stem from too much positive reinforcement. Someone who was overly praised as a child by their parents and their community "to the point where they think they can get away with injuring others" can easily become a bully, Eddy says. Because they’ve been told they can do no wrong, they might have a “my way or the highway attitude,” and anyone who doesn’t agree with them faces the consequences.
Another cause might be that the bully is genetically predisposed to a mental illness like narcissism, which can cause a lack of empathy, says Eddy. However, there’s a range of how severe the behavior is. Similarly, those with borderline personality disorder often do have empathy but sometimes experience mood swings and anger that can cause them to bully others. However, just because someone struggles with narcissism or borderline personality disorder doesn’t automatically make them a bully, he adds.
But while bullies may not mature with age, their methods evolve from typical school lunchroom drama. Experts say adult bullying takes many forms, such as unwanted touching, rumor spreading, insulting someone, yelling, and online harassment,including sending threatening emails or texts. In fact, the existence of adult bullying and the profound impact it can have on victims is particularly troubling now since cyberbullies and trolls run rampant online, Eddy says.
What’s more: Victims of work-related bullying can actually develop health-related issues as a result, according to research in Personality and Individual Differences. Bullying can wreak havoc on a person’s confidence, causing them to suffer from mental and physical problems like anxiety, depression, headaches, gastrointestinal problems, and suicidal ideation, says Eddy. Victims are also sometimes driven to concerning behaviors, like binge drinking and eating, and overall, may feel disengaged from their life and the world around them, adds Roberta Fida, PhD, a professor at Aston Business School in Birmingham, England, who co-wrote the study.
While you’re likely bound to run into an adult bully now and again—that’s life—you don’t have to live in fear of mean comments from a frenemy or unfair office politics. Here’s how to identify all the different types of adult bullying, and how to handle it in the workplace and beyond.
Adult bullying can take many forms.
Adult bullying sometimes looks like outright yelling at someone or physically harming them, which are common behaviors in perpetrators of domestic violence, says Eddy. But it can also be more covert, like leaving someone off an important email thread at work.
Here are the five main types of adult bullies:
Cyberbully
As the name suggests, a cyberbully creates negative posts about another person or engages in “trolling” or other harmful behavior online, says Eddy. This type of bully might comment rude things on someone’s post repeatedly, send someone direct messages full of insults, screenshot and share private text messages, or spread intimate photos. However, cyberbullies can also engage in more passive-aggressive behaviors, like leaving someone off a text chain with friends.
While it may seem like there are more online trolls than ever in 2024, that’s actually not the case, according to Eddy. It’s just that “the small percent of people who are bullies are much louder, and they feel free to bully,” he says. Plus, bullies are especially motivated when they’re anonymous, because they feel they can get away with it—cyberbullying lacks the face-to-face element of IRL bullying, which means people can be bolder online, safely hidden behind their screen.
Verbal Bully
This bully uses words to shame, insult, and distress their victim. They always have a critique or negative comment to say, sometimes even making snide remarks about your appearance, says Julie Robinson, PsyD, a licensed marriage and family therapist and president of Las Vegas Therapy Center.
This is the person who walks into their office meeting saying, “Someone smells in here,” alluding to their victim, she says. Even though the bully isn’t actually saying anything directly, this can still cause the victim to feel self-conscious. “They do this to undermine the confidence of the individual,” she says.
Physical Bully
This type of bully uses their physical presence to threaten victims, says Robinson, and they can be extremely dangerous. Their behavior can show up as physical abuse with a romantic partner, family member, or friend, such as hitting, pushing, hair pulling, or even sexual coercion or assault. But it can also be more subtle, like coming up behind a coworker and touching their shoulders or constantly bumping into someone in the hall on purpose to annoy them, says Robinson.
Material Bully
This bully tries to withhold or take something from their victim. Maybe your boss doesn’t pay you on time or a coworker takes your favorite pen, your lunch, or even an idea or client at work, while your roommate steals your clothes or money at home, says Robinson.
Passive Aggressive Bully
The passive-aggressive bully can be challenging to spot, as they generally try to stay under the radar, says Robinson. They use underhanded remarks to intimidate victims and break down their confidence. The behavior may seem innocent to others, but it has malicious intentions, says Robinson. At work, maybe someone comes into the office and makes a comment about how another co-worker always seems to be having so much fun, and not working. The passive-aggressive bully can also be the friend who always seems to “forget” to invite you to the group plans or add you to group chats.
There are several ways to deal with bullying.
Victim
If you are being bullied, hang in there—it can be challenging to deal with, but fortunately, there are many ways to find relief.
Go to therapy. Talking to a professional is extremely important for victims because it can help you build your confidence and learn self-care techniques to help fill your cup, says Eddy. Through therapy, victims can also work on strategies to deal with their bully, Robinson adds.
Use non-violent communication. By being calm and non-violent with your bully, you decrease the chances that they’ll become defensive. Try “I am” statements: If you have a workplace bully who frequently stands over your desk and makes passive-aggressive comments about whether you’re capable of hitting deadlines, for example, say, “I feel uncomfortable when you stand over my desk and make these comments, and I would like to talk through a solution for this,” Robinson suggests.
Document the events. “It is important for targets to keep track of what happened, and if there are witnesses,” says Fida. This is especially helpful in case you need to file a workplace bullying complaint with your Human Resources (HR) department. The more evidence—like screenshotting text messages or emails to yourself or even typing up notes (and marking the date and time) after interactions—the better position you’ll be in later on to file the complaint, adds Robinson.
Leave the situation. If you are a victim of domestic violence and/or physical bullying, removing yourself from the situation as soon as possible is critical. That way, you’ll get out before the situation escalates further. If you’re in a toxic work environment that is not being adequately remediated, consider applying to jobs elsewhere, adds Robinson. While, of course, you shouldn’t have to leave a job that makes you happy (outside of these bullying interactions) and want to make a financially-sound decision, keep your mental health in mind and consider how it would feel to have this burden lifted.
Bystander
Bystanders have the most power in bullying situations because they can diffuse what’s happening and provide support to the victim, says Eddy. Some tips from the experts:
Speak up. If you witness bullying, pull the bully aside to separate them from the person and ask them if they intended to come off as harsh, says Eddy. Keeping the conversation light rather than accusatory can prevent the situation from getting worse, Eddy says. Additionally, bystanders of workplace harassment can also speak to HR and file a complaint detailing what they saw, says Fida.
Talk to the victim. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking up in the moment because of work politics, family dynamics, or something else, try reaching out to the victim one-on-one, says Robinson. This can help the person feel supported and less alone, which can ease some of the mental and physical strain of bullying. You can tell them you are sorry that they are being bullied and validate how they are feeling, letting them know you see the behavior too.
Document what is happening. While it is important for the victim to record details of their own, any additional information the bystander can provide will only strengthen their complaint. If you are witness to something that made you feel uncomfortable or was out of line, even if you weren’t directly targeted, write down the facts of the event, including what happened and when. If the victim decides to file a complaint, you will be well-equipped to back them up.
Bully
If you find yourself harming others physically or emotionally, here are some strategies you can use to find out why, and then stop:
Seek therapy. The challenging thing about bullies is that they don’t often take accountability or even acknowledge their wrongdoing. Therapy can help them develop these skills, in addition to identifying the root cause of their toxic behavior and working to correct it, says Eddy.
Take a deep breath. Deep breathing can have a bigger impact than you might think—it can help diffuse a situation and bring a person’s nervous system back to center, says Robinson. If you find that you are very reactive or behaving in a way you don’t like, try to slow down, breathe, and then address the situation later when you’re feeling a bit more level-headed, she adds.
Walk away. If you find yourself engaging in harmful behavior, remove yourself from the situation, the experts say. While it can be difficult to have the self-awareness to do so, it is an incredibly powerful move that will calm the situation immediately.
Unfortunately, adult bullying may always exist, but so do the strategies to shut down this harmful behavior.
Meet the Experts: Bill Eddy, LCSW, is the co-founder of High Conflict Institute and the author of Our New World of Adult Bullies. Roberta Fida, PhD, is a professor at Aston Business School in Birmingham, England. Julie Robinson, PsyD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and president of Las Vegas Therapy Center.
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