“The Bachelorette” recap: Spiraling in Seattle

Jenn and her potential husbands head back to the States, where the Bachelorette finally realizes Sam M. is full of it.

It’s the week before hometown dates on The Bachelorette, rose lovers, and you know what that means: It’s time to cull the herd.

Let’s recap!

We begin back in the good ol’ U-S-of-A — Seattle, Wash., to be precise. It’s known as “the Emerald City,” as Jenn explains to us, “because it’s green here year-round.” With that bit of “promotional consideration provided by” business taken care of, it’s time to get down to the real work at hand: Picking Jenn’s final four.

But she’s not going to do it alone. Enter: Wise Former Contestant™ No. 1!

Gah, Ms. Charity Lawson literally could not be more beautiful. Jenn shares her doubts about some of the guys — is her connection with Sam M. just physical? Is Marcus holding back? Could she pick Jeremy out of a lineup? — while Charity offers a sympathetic ear. The former Bachelorette’s advice is, essentially, use this week to answer the key questions Jenn has about each guy.

The first date card of the week comes with a whole-ass box, wrapped with a nice ribbon.

Perhaps it’s meant to be a callback to the very first season of this show, when there were date boxes instead of date cards. Anyhow, this card is addressed to Marcus — and there’s a green letterman’s jacket inside the box, which Marcus quickly puts on before heading out the door.

The Bachelorette meets Marcus in a park. Suddenly, this dude rides up on one of those hop-on, hop-off streetcars.

“Today is all about the magical road to love,” declares Jesse Palmer. Hmmm… A magical road? The Emerald city? This all sounds familiar… Oh, sorry, Jesse. You were saying? “Because we’re here in beautiful Seattle — also known as the Emerald City — I thought it would be so much fun to celebrate the new movie Wicked, which hits theaters this Thanksgiving!” The host really puts as much oomph as he can into that announcement, which makes Marcus’ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ reaction all the funnier.

In case you were wondering, Wicked is not a Disney movie; it’s from Universal. (Yeah, I was surprised, too.) So, what is a Wicked-themed date? Essentially, production roped off a public square, painted a yellow brick road on the ground, and dressed up former Bachelor contestants Kelsey and Daisy as very loose approximations of Elphaba and Galinda.

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“I still have no idea what’s happening,” says Marcus, smiling gamely. Same, bro. Apparently, there are several stops on this yellow brick road of love, and at each one, they’ll face a choice. “At each stop, you’ll have to be honest with your preferences, but make a final decision together,” says Daisy. Most of the choices are lighthearted — spicy or sweet? whisper or scream? — but when they get to the last one, “slow or fast,” it prompts a relatively serious exchange. (Relatively.) Marcus chooses “slow,” because in relationships he typically takes longer to “warm up.” This isn’t exactly what Jenn wants to hear. “That’s concerning,” she admits to us. “He’s more of a slow burn than I am.”

Charity greets them at the next stop. “I’m here to remind you that there’s no place like home — or in your case, hometowns,” she explains, directing the couple to pop the balloons behind her. Inside each one, there are photos commemorating big moments from Jenn’s and Marcus’ past. The first one has a photo of Marcus with his sister on graduation day, and just seeing it makes him emotional. “She’s the most important person in my life,” he says, wiping away tears. Awww, I don’t think I could love this guy more, rose lovers.

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Another balloon has a letter from Jenn’s mom. “I’m sorry for not being able to give you a perfect family with both parents,” she writes. “I’m always right there in your heart.” Great, now Jenn is crying, Marcus is crying, and I’m crying. STOP MAKING ME FEEL THINGS, STUPID SHOW!

When they reach the final stop on their road to “love,” Marcus and Jenn are greeted by the true queen of Bachelor Nation.

All hail Trista! She tells the whippersnappers to let their love “defy gravity” before sending them off in a hot air balloon — though, in deference to their acrophobic leading lady, it’s tethered to the ground.

Marcus has his work cut out for him at dinner. Jenn is afraid she might be “investing too much, too fast” with him, and hearing him say today that he’s a slow burner — something she had to already know? — is making her even more worried. Can he convince her that he’s ready for a TV engagement? Let’s join their date, currently in progress on the baseball diamond at T-Mobile Park.

Marcus says the letter from Jenn’s mom “struck a chord” with him. “I do not come from a perfect family. Far from it,” he reveals. “My sister, when we were kids, were kind of born into a pretty rough situation. We had had parents who couldn’t, like, really take care of us. They were a bit, like, unstable, and they weren’t fit to be parents. They brought us to daycare one day, and just, like, never came back for us.”

Oh my GOD. That is beyond awful. Marcus continues, saying he had to “take on the role of looking after” his sister as they entered the foster care system. “Families would, like, try us on for size,” he recalls. “There were a lot of times where I thought I was going to have a mom and dad, and then they would, like, change their mind.”

Related: The Bachelorette's Jesse Palmer on Grant's surprising confession to the guys

I repeat: Oh my GOD. Knowing all of this, it’s even more impressive that Marcus is such a genuine and accomplished man. And it certainly helps explain why Marcus is slow to Open Up™. “I want a love that’s going to stay when anyone else would leave,” he says through tears.

Jenn is, of course, extremely moved by Marcus’ story. “I hope you know how strong you are,” she tells him. “I want you to know how happy I am that you’re here.” Damn right, lady. Now, give him that hometown date rose, and let’s move on to the group date.

Said group date is another throwback. Jenn joins Seattle radio hosts Jubal & Bender, who are joined in the studio by Jason and Molly Mesnick. Back in 2009, then-Bachelor Jason brought Molly on a group date to this very radio station — and God help me, I recapped that episode, too. Today, Spencer, Jonathon, Sam M., Devin, and Grant will be getting grilled on the radio. The hosts start with a rapid-fire game of word association, and for some reason, the first word that comes to mind for Sam M. when the host says “Fantasy Suite” is… “aggressive.”

The bearded, bullying d-bag also struggles when it comes to verbalizing his feelings for Jenn. “Um… I would say, just fire,” he stammers. “And, like, strong passion.” Realizing that he’s in trouble, Sam M. pulls out the big guns: “To say that I’ve been doing nothing but falling in love with you from the first time we had a conversation, that would be a lie.”

Wait, what? I think Sam meant to say that he IS falling in love with Jenn, but he mangled the sentence so much, he ended up saying, essentially, “It would be a lie to say I’m falling in love with you.” FREUDIAN SLIP FOR THE WIN! Devin, for one, is loving watching his rival crash and burn.

It is not going over well with Jenn. “I don’t feel like his answers make sense to me,” she says. “And I’m not sure how authentic his answers are.”

OMG, rose lovers, is it finally happening? At long last, are the scales falling from Jenn’s eyes so she can see him for the technicolor a-hole he truly is? The rest of the guys are ordered to leave the radio booth so Sam and Jenn can “get to know each other better.” It does not go well. Sam tells Jenn when he first met her, he thought, “This girl is not my type,” adding, “I thought the Bachelorette was going to be Daisy or Maria.” As you can see by her face, Molly Mesnick does NOT love it. (Nor should she.)

LOLOLOLOLOL. Sam keeps talking — or should we say digging? Jenn pressures him, asking him to name one specific thing about her that he likes. He says, “Your selflessness,” and Jenn shoots back, “How do you know that I’m selfless?” He cannot think of a single response.

It’s beautiful, rose lovers. Just freaking beautiful. Sam goes even further off the rails, saying Jenn is selfless because the connection they had on night one was, and I quote, “hot.” He also keeps starting sentences with “honestly,” which is something a total freaking liar would do. Will he save himself at the afterparty? Let’s listen in!

“I need answers, and I need to know how you feel, and I need clarity,” Jenn prompts him. What follows is, like, a whole lotta word salad.

Related: Bachelorette host Jesse Palmer on Sam's radio date disaster

“I come into this right here with this idea of, like, yeah, how do I know it’s you? I don’t,” he stammers. “It’s just something that I feel.” Once again, Jenn pushes him to explain why he thinks SHE specifically is the woman for him. Sam struggles for nearly 20 seconds but can’t come up with an answer. All he can do is grimace and clear his throat repeatedly. Come on, Jenn, send this asshat home NOW! Before she can, Sam finally spits out an answer: “Because I love you.” Bitch, please. Jenn is 1-800-NOT-BUYING-IT, but for some reason she doesn’t tell him to GTFO. She does, at least, end the conversation.

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Things go much better for the other guys. How could they go worse? Grant, Jonathon, Spencer, and Devin all confess their deep feelings for Jenn, and she doesn’t doubt their sincerity. She even tells Devin that she’s falling for him, too. And the date rose goes to… no one! “I have a lot to think about,” explains the Bachelorette. “I’ll see you guys at the rose ceremony.”

Our final date of the week goes to Jeremy, a man who is still here. Jenn meets him at Pike Place Market and continues her huju-less streak — even in the face of Jeremy’s prompting. “You’re supposed to run and jump,” he says, laughing. Dude, have you seen the length of her skirt? That ain’t happening.

The Bachelorette’s goal for this date is to figure out if she and Jeremy can have “more of an emotional connection” because they’re “the most behind in terms of feelings.” Well yeah, that happens when you’ve said fewer than 100 words to someone. They buy flowers, play some arcade games, and get their palms read by a psychic who absolutely wasn’t fed details about Jenn and Jeremy by the producers. Nope, she just magic, y’all. Of course, they also catch flying fish.

Dinner takes place at the Chihuly Garden, which is filled with beautiful glass sculptures. “Is this where you kill me?” Jeremy asks for the second time that day. LOL, murder as a running joke — how romantic. Come on, bro, you know Jenn’s going to need to you Open Up™ if you want a hometown rose. To that end, he begins the evening by raving about how much he loves his mom — which is, of course, a good start. While his mom would like for him to marry another Jewish person, Jeremy tells Jenn he doesn’t expect her to convert. That said, he would like to raise his kids in the Jewish faith, because it’s an important part of his identity.

The Bachelorette says she’s open to that. Heck, she does Shabbat dinner with her Jewish friends in Miami! Still, she wants her kids to experience the traditions of her Buddhist faith, too. Jeremy assures her that he has no problem with that. Wow, did we just witness a semi-serious discussion about religious faith on The Bachelorette? Wonders never cease. Cut to:

Congrats, Jeremy!

Only two roses left. The next day, we pick up in the afternoon, with everyone getting ready for the rose ceremony. Jenn, however, is still clinging to hope about Sam M., so she storms over to the guys’ suite in her beaded, ivory-and-purple evening gown to speak with him. The other guys are caught off guard — including Marcus and Jonathon, who were killing time with a crossword puzzle.

We stan studs who play word games! Yes, even when they’re wearing socks with sandals. The guys direct her to Sam’s room, and she barges in with barely a knock. Sam, bless his manipulative little heart, immediately starts digging himself deeper as soon as she sits down. He apologizes for how the date went, then starts repeating his claims that he’s in love with her. Survey says: Big red X.

“To you, what does it mean to love somebody?” Jenn says at last. He basically starts paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 13:4: “For me, love is selfless, love is sacrifice, love is understanding, and listening to the person that is in front of you.” Well then you must not be in love with Jenn, you jackass, because you’re sure as hell not listening to her. It’s all hot air, and finally — finally — the Bachelorette realizes that’s because Sam M. is full of it.

Related: Gerry Turner reveals how Kendall Jenner found Golden Bachelor spoiler on his phone

But she gives Sam one last shot to explain what he sees in her, and again, he’s got nothing. He tries all the old hits (they both want a family, they both want a “ferocious love”) but Jenn cuts him off. “I’m not looking for a script!” she snaps. “Love isn’t a script.”

CORRECT. Perhaps because she’s a glutton for punishment, Jenn keeps asking Sam to list one thing — one freaking thing — that he learned about her during their time together. His answer: “I love you.” It’s painful to watch. Jenn, take this relationship out behind the shed and put it down!

“The way that this is, reminds me so much of a relationship that I’ve already put in the past,” Jenn says. “I’ve closed this chapter in my life already. I’m done with it." That’s right, Sam — she’s comparing you to her “toxic ex”! In other words, don’t let the Reject SUV door hit you on the way out.

In response, Sam M. packs his suitcase, and accuses Jenn of having “dull” energy. Whatever, bro — just keep the main thing the main thing, and keep it moving, too.

Huzzah! Our long Bachelor Nation nightmare is over, rose lovers. All that’s left now is to find out who will join Marcus and Jeremy in the Hometown Date Circle of Safety™. And the winners are… Devin and Jonathon! So sorry, Grant and Spencer, but your “journey” has come to an end. You both seem like decent guys, so congratulations for making it through the season with your dignity (mostly) intact. I do wish Jenn had walked both of them out individually, rather than walking Grant out and then leaving poor Spencer to leave the ceremony room by himself. But at least producers let him call his mama for consolation.

Related: Grant Ellis named the new Bachelor moments after his Bachelorette elimination

Welp, rose lovers, we’re getting close to the end. Before you go, a few questions. Were you surprised Jeremy got a hometown date? How much did you love watching Sam drown in a pool of his own BS? And will you be purchasing tickets to Wicked? Let me know your thoughts on Twitter @KristenGBaldwin or on Bluesky at @kristengbaldwin.bsky.social.

The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET/PT on ABC.

Read the original article on Entertainment Weekly.