Yahoo Lifestyle “I was addicted to love – here’s how I broke free”
When I was growing up, love was seen as the biggest, ultimate prize. My parents had a beautiful love story that sounds as if it came straight out of a Jane Austen novel; my mother was a socialite in my home country of Finland, but she fell head over heels for my father after he rode past her house on a horse. She gave up everything to move to a farm by the sea with him when I was born. That set the template for me that love should be intense and coveted beyond all else.
I’ve been in and out of relationships since I was 16 – I had been single for just two days before I met my husband at 25. We had a child, moved to Los Angeles, and then our relationship ended – but I didn't allow myself any time to grieve. When I moved back to Helsinki, I immediately launched myself into a new relationship with a friend of a friend. I thought he was The One, but when that ended, only then did my heartbreak manifest in physical pain: shallow breathing, constant tension in my shoulders, even the pain in my lower back were all signs that I was stuck in survival mode. And it wasn’t just physical. The unconscious stress of feeling alone, of not being fully connected to myself or others, kept my nervous system in a constant state of alert. I realised I was addicted to the highs of being with someone.
Before, I was proud of always being in relationships – like many, I loved stories that reinforced and permitted me to keep up with the addictive behaviour. Deep inside, I had a terrible fear of being alone.
I now understand that hormones play a huge role in this cycle, and three in particular: oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. When we lack oxytocin — the hormone of connection — we feel isolated and disconnected which creates more stress. When serotonin is low, we don’t feel safe or valued, and our anxiety rises. When dopamine is out of balance, we often feel like we have lost our way from our true path, making everything feel overwhelming. The body perceives all of this as a threat and, in response, stress hormones like cortisol take over. Here’s the part many women don’t realise: stress hormones literally 'steal' from our sex hormones — oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone — throwing our entire system off balance.
With my medical background and subsequent 12 years of research, I’ve found that people divide into two groups depending on which high they chase: dopamine dominants, who chase anticipation and novelty, and serotonin dominants, who chase safety and security. I belong to the first group; I used that rush of dopamine to numb my pain, and relationships to give me a sense of purpose when I felt lost. But passion creates, while addiction consumes. True healing only began when I started working on the root cause: building a strong serotonin system so I could feel safe and at peace inside, balancing my dopamine so I could create a life of real meaning, and strengthening my oxytocin by connecting with myself so I could form deeper, more authentic connections with others.
If you have a dopamine imbalance, it means you easily crave the anticipation of pleasure from fast sources like food, shopping or alcohol. It’s important that you start taking steps towards your purpose – you can start by listing what opportunities bring you pure joy. For me, I found writing books and acting to be my real release – but it doesn’t have to be anything big. Start with whatever gives you energy, and that energy will help you find your way back to your path. It can be something as simple as yoga or exercise. During this process, it is also important to avoid toxic sources of dopamine and ‘dopamine piling’, such as scrolling on your phone while watching TV, to keep your hormonal system balanced.
Serotonin, known as the ‘happy hormone’, is the neurotransmitter responsible for your sense of safety, familiarity and value. To keep this in check, we must work on fears, trauma and self-worth. It’s important to reframe your nervous system from fear to safety, or we keep looking for praise and security outside of ourselves, like from work or from relationships, like I did.
Finally, oxytocin is a hormone released from physical touch – but at its core, it is the hormone of connection and it doesn’t have to stem from romantic relationships. Being with your friends, or practising moments of connection even with strangers can help; simply smiling at cashiers or saying good morning to others around you can increase oxytocin. Even warmth can raise those levels; research has shown that regular saunas can help boost oxytocin.
The Healing Power of Hormones - Dr Emilia Vuorisalmi
It's worth remembering that a quick boost is not the solution for lasting health – and consistent self-reflection and awareness is key. I used to be addicted to physical touch when really I was missing the connection to my true self – something which takes time and perseverance to establish.
Of course, we are biologically hardwired to find love – evolutionary psychology dictates that we’re constantly trying to find a mate in order to reproduce. We are also culturally brainwashed to think that love should look and feel a certain way. There's nothing inherently wrong with that; I love romantic love, and I still want to embrace healthy relationships. I am now in a long-term relationship and I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been. But I had to get myself in balance to attract good, healthy and lifting love – something we're all deserving of.
The Healing Power of Hormones by Emilia Vuorisalmi (Vermilion £16.99) is out now in all good bookshops.
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