Yahoo Lifestyle Add “Paperclipping” to Your Dating Slang Lexicon
In the ever-evolving lexicon of dating, there’s no shortage of confusing language to label the chaos that is modern love, from situationship to orbiting to zombieing. The newest viral word on the block? Paperclipping. This behavior, reminiscent of breadcrumbing, sees old flames reappearing, not with grand gestures but with casual, noncommittal messages that are hard to interpret. Love that for us, right?
Forget boom boxes outside our windows or flowers delivered to our doorsteps. Instead, it’s more like a “how are you” text out of nowhere that leads to a very boring conversation at best…or radio silence at worst.
“Paperclipping is a way of maintaining contact with someone you might need in the future,” says psychology professor Wendy Walsh, PhD, relationship expert at DatingNews and DatingAdvice. “It often feels like the person who reached out just wants to know you’re there and that you’ll respond, but they don’t actually want to get on the phone or see you in person. It can feel very confusing.”
While Bumble’s sex and relationships expert Shan Boodram says almost everyone paperclips to some degree (no shade!), it can turn toxic when real emotions are at play. “Paperclipping can serve as harmless flirting that makes someone feel like they still got it—and sometimes that feeling is enough,” she explains. “But when the ‘it’ is something that’s not meant to be toyed with (think: devotion, desire for a deeper connection, the power to ask you to drop everything), then we’ve got a problem.”
Whether you’re a veteran swiper or someone trying to navigate the complexities of modern love, we’re breaking down how to spot when you’re being paperclipped and the best strategies for responding—or not!—to those unexpected “hey, how’s it going?” texts.
What Actually *Is* Paperclipping?
QQ for all the millennials out there: Remember Clippy? That pesky Microsoft Office paperclip character from the late ’90s who always popped up on your screen when you least expected (or wanted) it? Well, meet his dating world doppelgänger: paperclipping. Boodram says that just like Clippy, a paperclipper makes untimely reappearances, offering little more than frustration with their “Hey, just checking in” texts. They’re not here to stay, just to stir the pot a bit and then vanish back into the digital abyss.
Another way to think about the concept is that it’s like keeping a foot in the door—just in case—illustrating that paperclippers hold onto a bunch of potential matches as backups.
Walsh says this isn’t exactly new; it’s just a new name for an old behavior. “There are plenty of people who want to keep a circle of potential mates around just in case whoever they’re with doesn’t work out,” she explains. “And there are plenty of people with an anxious attachment style who keep taking the bait and get attached to people who cannot love them back.”
Whatever you wanna call it, paperclipping isn’t just annoying—it’s an emotional merry-go-round where commitment is the prize that’s always just out of reach.
What Does Paperclipping Look Like?
Imagine you’re scrolling through your phone when suddenly a notification pops up—a Like on an old post from someone you haven’t spoken to in months or maybe a meme slides into your DMs from an ex. This, in essence, is paperclipping. It’s those sporadic, often confusing gestures that leave you wondering, What do they want from me now?
According to Boodram, “Paperclipping can take many forms—whether it be a random text about something you both talked about long ago, a DM of a meme, or even a Like on an Instagram Story.” These actions often lead to a brief exchange or worse, you’re left hanging with no response at all. It’s like they’re just reminding you they exist without intending to add any real value or depth to the interaction.
“Paperclipping often contains run-of-the-mill questions,” Walsh explains, and the ensuing conversation—if it can even be called that—might involve a few exchanges spaced out over days, but it rarely evolves into anything meaningful.
Why Do People Paperclip?
Remember how we mentioned this is an old tactic? Walsh explains that, anthropologically, humans are basically wired to paperclip. “Having a large tribe to reach out to in times of need was very much part of our survival in the past,” she explains. While we’re not cave people anymore, the underlying impulse persists in the form of modern paperclipping.
Today, this typically involves folks with whom you’ve had ambiguous or sporadic interactions: an ex you’re still in casual contact with, someone from an on-and-off situationship, or an acquaintance you’ve flirted with in the past (or even just connected with platonically). These are your typical paperclippers—people who pop up just to remind you of their presence, serving no other purpose than to keep you in their orbit, albeit distantly.
“It requires little effort from their end and also doesn’t involve setting any expectations of what’s to follow. People like to be liked, and paperclipping is an easy way to check in to see if you could still get that person’s attention if you wanted it,” Boodram explains.
Someone might paperclip you to see if there’s still romantic potential, for a quick ego boost, or even just to keep you in their social circle—who knows when they’ll need a job referral, a connection, a recommendation, or a shoulder to lean on?
Is Paperclipping...Kinda Toxic?
It’s not so much the action but the intent behind paperclipping that swings it from harmless to harmful. Boodram points out that casual connections—like sharing a timely meme, a useful job lead, or updates on mutual friends—can actually brighten your day. But when paperclipping is all about feeding someone’s ego or setting the stage for an unrequited no-strings sitch? Not so much. “When i’'s just for a one-sided ego boost or an unwanted casual hookup hint, that’s when it turns toxic,” she says.
Walsh warns that it gets especially messy when someone uses these tactics to keep you close but not too close. This sort of emotional baiting can reopen old wounds for those still hanging onto feelings, turning a simple message into an emotional minefield.
How to Protect Yourself From Paperclipping
Simply put: Don’t respond. This might be easier said than done, but any positive response you give can reinforce the paperclipper’s behavior. Setting clear boundaries from the start about the type of communication you desire can break the cycle before it begins. If you’re using dating apps like Bumble, take advantage of tools like Dating Intentions to explicitly state what you’re looking for. Being up front about your intentions makes you less likely to connect with paperclippers looking for casual contact.
If interactions with a paperclipper always lead to dead ends, Walsh says it might be time to cut communication entirely. However, if there’s some benefit in maintaining a light connection (say, they’re in your friend circle), it’s fine to give casual answers back to their casual questions. It’s all about what feels right to you.
Ultimately, mastering the art of dodging modern dating curveballs is key. Spot the signs, manage your responses, and take charge of your love life. Remember, crystal-clear communication and rock-solid boundaries aren’t just smart—they’re your best defense against the emotional whirlwind of hit-and-run flirtations like paperclipping.
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