Yahoo Lifestyle 6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist
Children are prone to scrapes on the playground, as well as bumps and bruises, especially as they become more mobile and learn their body's limits. These wounds generally heal or leave small scars that make for fun getting-to-know-you stories. Yet, some cuts aren't visible and take longer—perhaps a lifetime to heal. They're known as "inner child wounds," or attachment wounds, and the term is buzzy on social media. What is an inner child wound, exactly?
"We experience inner child wounds when what we needed as a child wasn’t provided to us or when we didn’t feel safe, seen or loved.," says Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a psychologist, family, perinatal & child psychologist at Mama Psychologists. "These wounds stay with us, running in the background...for years, and can affect how we bond with others."
In fact, inner child wounds can sabotage relationships if they aren't dealt with—and, unfortunately, BandAids and boo-boo bunny ice packs won't help. Dr. Slavens talks to Parade about six common inner child wounds, how they show up in relationships and how to help little-you heal.
Related: People Who Were Constantly Criticized as Children Often Experience These 8 Relationship Problems, Psychologists Say
6 Inner Child Wounds That Affect Adult Relationships, According to a Psychologist
1. Abandonment wound
Doing life alone is tough at any age—humans thrive on community—but it can be physically and mentally unsafe in childhood. The scars from this abandonment may not leave you alone in adulthood.
"If you suffered emotional or physical abandonment as a child, you may fear abandonment or rejection as an adult," Dr. Slavens says. "In relationships, it can manifest as clinginess, over-dependence or the inability to trust your partner."
Related: People Who Were 'Constantly Excluded' in Childhood Often Develop These 11 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Neglect
Dr. Slavens says that people with unmet emotional needs in childhood may develop into adults who feel unworthy of care or attention.
"This may manifest itself in the form of self-sabotage, difficulties asking for help or emotional shutdown," Dr. Slavens says.
All told, it can do a number on romantic and even platonic relationships, which require a healthy level of vulnerability.
3. Rejection wound
Can you always get what you want? No, certainly not in childhood or adulthood. Rejection is a part of life. However, people who experienced chronic rejection from important people in their lives as kids may struggle later in life.
"Being rejected early on by family, friends or peers makes you hypersensitive to criticism," Dr. Slavens says. "This could show up in relationships as defensiveness or avoiding vulnerability so we don’t get hurt."
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
4. Control wound
Overscheduling and heightened rigidity can feel suffocating to anyone, but flexible routines during childhood can create a sense of calm. People who rarely—if ever—knew what to expect in childhood may do a 180 in adulthood.
"If you were raised in chaos or without structure, you may feel that you must control everything as an adult," Dr. Slavens says. "This can create friction in relationships, and your partner may feel micromanaged or smothered.
5. Trust wound
This one cuts deep, given that trust is a pillar of healthy relationships.
"If caregivers betrayed your trust, you might have carried that lack into adulthood," Dr. Slavens says. "This might manifest as chronic distrust, fear of betrayal or trouble letting people close."
It's hard to get to know and learn to love someone who keeps you a football-field-length away.
6. Worthiness wound
You know the saying that you need to love yourself first? It holds true, but people with worthiness wounds weren't given a reason to in childhood.
"A childhood where you received criticism rather than praise or one where your only value was your performance compared to others can leave you wondering where you fit in," Dr. Slavens says.
Dr. Slavens says worthiness wounds put you at a higher risk of settling for less, overcompensating to feel "good enough" or not leaving unhealthy relationships.
Related: 'I'm a Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist—Here's What I Wish All Women Over 50 Knew About Anxiety'
3 Tips for Healing Your Inner Child
1. Practice self-compassion
"Treat others like you want to be treated" is commonly given advice. However, Dr. Slavens says people with inner child wounds will want to treat themselves as they'd treat others.
"Speak to yourself as you speak to someone you love," she says. "Rather than berate yourself over mistakes, realize you’re doing your best and that it’s all right to evolve and learn. It allows for the creation of a safe inner space for healing."
Related: People Who Received Very Little Affection in Childhood Often Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
2. Reparent yourself
You deserved a positive upbringing, but you cannot change the past. Dr. Slavens suggests taking some time to consider your needs and what would've helped little you. Safety? Validation? Order?
"Give it to yourself now," Dr. Slavens says. "This could look like establishing healthy boundaries, acknowledging your accomplishments or simply allowing yourself a break. Reparenting helps you meet these unmet needs so you can feel more whole."
3. Seek therapy
You've suffered from inner child for years—decades, even. It makes sense that healing will take time. A professional can help.
"A therapist can guide you as you begin to uncover your inner child wounds in the safety of a supportive setting," Dr. Slavens says. "They’ll help you see patterns, process old feelings and develop healthier ways of relating to yourself and others. Therapy is not a magic cure but gives you the tools to break cycles and approach the future."
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Source:
Dr. Caitlin Slavens, BAACS, MC, R Psych, a psychologist, family, perinatal & child psychologist at Mama Psychologists
