"Should A 25-Year Marriage End Over Cheating?": This Woman Is Contemplating A Divorce After Infidelity, And Here's Why People Have Big Opinions

According to recent data, about 20% of married men and 13% of married women admit they've cheated on their spouses.

So, it is sadly no surprise that a Quora thread where an anonymous woman is asking for advice after her husband cheated is starting so much conversation. She asked other users on the platform: "If you are married for 25 years and your husband cheats, is the marriage worth saving?" Here's what they had to say:

"I regret every day trying to save my marriage for 20 years with a cheating husband. It doesn't work. I wish I had gotten out of that emotionally abused marriage 20 years sooner."

"I would say no. You hear the stories where people say that after cheating, they worked through their issues, and now their marriage is better than ever. I have then heard that these same folks repeated the cheating and split up a few years later. And, even if the cheating didn't continue, the lack of trust wore them down, and they split up. Or they looked closely at the person they were married to and realized they no longer knew or liked or had anything in common with the person anymore."

"I have heard stories of one partner (usually the wife) who chooses to forgive and forget, but deep down, they resented and mistrusted their spouse afterward. And then there are the spouses who stay 'for their kids.' They seem to believe the kids don't notice that their parents don't like each other very much. They give the kids a sad example of marriage, and usually, they break up when their kids become independent anyway. So no. If your partner cheats, it's over. It can't be undone. It can't be repaired. Maybe you can forgive, but you will never forget. Every time the phone rings with a wrong number, every time they are working late, every time they visit a friend, the memory will pop up and erase the happy memories."

—Dee Inbc, Quora user

"I am in your shoes; exactly at 25 years and two months, I overheard a phone call that left me with a lot of questions. I asked my wife about it, and she dismissed it. I did a little digging, and within 20 minutes, I had every email/social media she ever sent/posted/deleted. I was disappointed to find out that my wife had been cheating on me for the better part of our marriage!"

"Was the marriage over? YES! How can you forgive someone who willingly and willfully put your mental and physical health in jeopardy? How can you forgive someone who lied to you? Lastly, she broke my trust, the very thing that every relationship is built on! You never expect to be backstabbed by your better half. In reality, the relationship was over the moment she cheated; the time between that moment and when you found out is just borrowed time.

I was in pain, but I had to deal with it in a healthy way, so I went back to the gym."

—0352, Quora user

"This is probably not the first time he has had an affair, just the first time he got caught. Happened to me in a 25-year marriage. I caught my ex-husband three years before I divorced him. However, like an idiot, I did all the work to save the marriage while he simply carried on with the affair, lying and not noticing my efforts. It was all a game to him. The marriage counselor/psychologist told me shortly after my divorce went through that I'd been extremely naive and that he'd been pursuing affairs for most of my marriage."

"I was like you. Almost exactly 25 years. Then I found out he had cheated — and had been cheating for three years before I found out. I decided that I would fight for the marriage mostly because I had kids and didn’t want to overturn their lives. I also thought I was being a bigger person by being compassionate. How naive I was..."

"The problem is, someone who has an affair has serious issues. 'Saving the marriage' involves dealing with those issues and the unhealthy issues that the two of you may have. If and only if he is aware of his infraction, admits that it was wrong and damaging, and is willing to go to extensive therapy, then I think there may be a chance that your marriage is worth saving. I don’t regret trying, but I do regret being naive about what it would take."

—Mary Bennet, Quora user

"The sad thing is that if you are the kind of person that narcissists want/need, it takes you far too long to accept the reality that they cannot/won’t change, and sadly, you’re giving them the best years of your life. For me, with two different people — 27 years and 33 years."

"I married twice. The first time I was married for 13 years, and he cheated. The second time I was married for 28 years, and he cheated. He denied it until I told him I wasn’t happy, and he said he would go because he wasn’t making me happy anymore. He still never admitted to his affair. For the last two years, I have been trying to build a life for myself, but it’s hard at 62. I don’t want to be on my own for the rest of my life, but I can’t meet anyone. Where have all the good guys gone?"

"I went through this with a cheating wife, and we have six kids together. Everyone says they would walk away if it happened to them, but it is not that simple, especially if you have had a great relationship for a long time. You think it's a phase that you both will be able to work through together. Here's the sad truth on the other side of trying to work it out for nearly five years: Many things have broken to get there. First and most importantly, trust has been broken and repeatedly violated. Something in the cheater's brain has gone haywire, and you think it can be retrieved and mended. Nope. Not quite the adage of once a cheater, always a cheater but close, and the truth is more corrosive and damaging..."

"...The faithful spouse may never fully trust the cheater again, and trust is one of the strongest binding agents in any relationship. Some say they have recovered and have never been stronger. I call bullcrap on that, and a simple scenario will bear this out. The cheater is out late and not answering the phone or texts. If the first thought is, 'Are they at it again?' cut your losses, abbreviate your pain and grief, chalk it up to the most brutal life lesson, and recapture your life and future. Good luck. 😊❤️"

—Kurt Green, Quora user

"After 14 years of marriage, I began finding emails and untruths from my husband whom I thought would never, could never, stray. He denied each time I confronted him, and I believed him. At 20 years, he was caught and I found out. I eventually forgave him. I believed we could overcome and that our children deserved two parents. At 25 years, he was caught again by my 15-year-old. Some stories have a happy ending, so the answer is different for every couple; mine did not. I have rebuilt my life and discovered who I am and what I like. Life is a journey, and we all have different paths to take. Choose forgiveness, but love yourself. Whatever that looks like, make it your journey. God brought me through those dark days and today I can look back and be grateful for His love and grace."

"My daughter is going through this as I write this. We vacation as a family once a year. That was last month. I don’t see my son-in-law much, but the morning after we got to our destination, I was headed down to the gym for the sauna when I saw him, and I just knew. I said nothing, for all I knew, I could be wrong and it really wasn’t my place to get involved. A month later, he asked her for a divorce, and she’s crushed."

"I don’t hate him; I feel sorry for him. I’ve seen over the decades that he really has tried to connect with her, his child, and his family, but he just doesn’t have the ability. My daughter loved him so much, she loved him enough for the both of them."

—XrpGal, Quora user

That was heavy, let us know your thoughts in the comments.

NOTE: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.