Yahoo Lifestyle 25 Marriage Counselors And Therapists Who Immediately Knew Romantic Couples Were DOOMED
Reddit user Gnerdy asked couples therapists and marriage counselors of the community, "Without breaking confidentiality, what are some relationships that instantly set off red flags?"
They revealed some eye-opening and pretty informative warning signs, further proving that all relationships just aren't meant to be.
So, here are some red flags that indicate a bad relationship straight from couples therapists and marriage counselors themselves:
1."If someone discourages you from spending time with friends, family, or other loved ones, or if someone rewards you for not seeing or talking to loved ones, that's a red flag. Isolation is a common tactic of abusive individuals. More generally, be aware of anyone who tries to control where you go, who you see, or what you do. A relationship that is built on trust and mutual respect won't include restricting one another."
2."Triangulation of the kids. Oftentimes, kids will show symptoms because they're subconsciously trying to even out the imbalance between the parents, so I will see a family for therapy and immediately recognize that the issue is not so much with the kids but the way the parents communicate. Helping them structure themselves and get the power back into their hands by getting them on the same page often helps the kids adjust and cope. Imagine getting inconsistent consequences from your parents all the time — you don't know when you'll get in trouble and when you won't."
"You'd get hyper-vigilant, or you'd just give up and start doing things your way. Either way, you're trying to understand a situation that you can't control, so of course, you're going to start acting weird or misbehaving.
Now imagine if your parents set consistent rules for you and gave you the choice to behave or misbehave and receive a predictable, reasonable consequence. You're going to know where you stand and be less anxious because you feel in control."
3."I am a clinical mental health counselor, and I do quite a bit of marital, family, and pre-marital counseling. If there's one thing I'd say is the most important factor in the success or failure of a relationship, it is active listening. People nowadays simply do not know how to actively listen to one another. Social media and a false sense of hyperconnectivity make this issue much, much worse. Older couples with beautiful, mutually supportive marriages have naturally identified the importance of listening and have negotiated the ways their partner needs to be heard. Relationships succeed or fail on this simple premise — be still, and listen to your partner."
4."Therapist here who has served couples. The number one problem I see is an overactive threat response, which creates anger and rigidity. People don’t stop turning down their defense mode and lose sight of love because all of their energy is going toward being right or controlling the outcome. Of course, that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feel too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity."
5."If either partner rolls their eyes when the other is talking or sharing. It's quick to notice and shows a lack of respect for the other partner's feelings. It's one of the easiest and most reliable ways to see that a relationship won't last. Of course, it is a sign of an unhealthy, underlying dynamic — eye-rolling in itself is not dangerous."
6."When a partner raises an objection to meeting with me individually. During the first session, I shared that during an assessment, I like to meet with them both together and once each individually. Occasionally, I'll have partners who suddenly become very critical or suspicious about this. Asking why I'd do that, and if it was ethical, and the classic, 'I've never heard of a marriage counselor doing that before?!' It goes beyond curiosity or simply inquiring about practice. There is an incredulous and almost panicked tone to it. And sure enough — Every. Single. Time. — they turn out to be some variation of controlling, manipulative, or abusive."
7."Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction/issues."
8."Overbearing parents and in-laws. I understand there's a ton of cultural nuance here, and I work with couples who have arranged marriages. However, when a spouse is more allied with their parents and calls them on the speakerphone for fights or often speaks ill of their partner to their parents, I usually see these couples stay unhappily married for years. It's sad."
9."As a clinical psychologist, I focused mainly on behavioral medicine and cognitive assessment but did my fair share of couples work. Refusal or inability to compromise is a ginormous red flag — one that, I believe, is empirically validated. Compromise is a significant predictor of satisfaction in relationships, and it plays an important role in the long-term success of marriages and relationships in general."
10."I saw a couple who was doing 'retaliatory' cheating and telling each other about it. When they got through their anger, they decided to call a truce and make peace. With their level of emotional maturity, I doubt it lasted. I don't know if I helped them or prolonged their suffering — it was their decision to come to counseling, so I think it was the help they wanted. Other clients realize what they really want is 'divorce counseling' (a la, what's the best way to behave civilly and minimize damage to the kids while we go our separate ways?)."
11."Sexual boundaries — one litmus test: Does this person ascribe to the following definition of sexual consent? An ongoing, affirmative agreement between two or more people who are sober, cognitively, and legally able to provide consent, and under no duress, explicit or implicit. That agreement is to engage in specific actions and is specific to that time and place."
"If someone wants to do something different or additional, it requires obtaining consent for the change or addition.
Explicit duress is something like, 'Do this, or I'll kill you,' whereas implicit duress is something like, 'If you don't do what I want, you'll get a bad grade/job review/kicked out of your residence, etc..'"
12."I'm an MFT (marriage and family therapist), and for me, an unofficial litmus test is when I ask at some point in the first few sessions how the couple met. If there's no positive effect from either person, no one even cracks a smile, or they just give me a single-sentence answer ('we met at a party'), that's usually a signal they've been unhappy for so long. Or, the conflict is so overwhelming that they can't access those good, warm, fuzzy feelings from the beginning. I partly wanted to do this job because I'm a romantic at heart and love hearing real love stories, and for the most part, hearing about their first few months together is a fun and illuminating part of therapy. Only a few times have I seen the flat or no affect couples, and it breaks my heart every time."
"I remember learning in grad school that most couples who come for therapy have lived unhappily for an average of seven years before trying to get help. They come for that first session, and if they aren't 'cured' after that, most think that therapy doesn't work and won't come back.
To anyone who may be considering individual or couples therapy as a result of this thread: Go for it. Just be prepared for it to take some time and energy from you and your therapist."
13."As a therapist, it’s not my place to try to get couples to reunify. That takes their power away and gives it to me (instead of teaching them skills to make their own informed decision). That being said, whenever one-half of the couple comes in and says they’re there because their spouse made them come, it’s pretty rare that they decide to stay together."
14."In my experience as a therapist, strong and healthy relationships are built on two very important qualities: trust and respect. Love is not included in these qualities because love is not a determiner of a strong and healthy relationship. Without respect and trust, most relationships are doomed to struggle or fail. For the couples I've worked with, I always assess whether or not trust and respect are present (and then build treatment goals to see if it's possible to develop those qualities). If they are not willing or able, then in most cases, those relationships are likely to end."
15."I mainly work with individuals, but the reddest of flags for me is when clients try to get me to take sides. I can understand why people may do that every now and then during more difficult discussions, but if it happens consistently, it's a huge problem. There are plenty of reasons that people may do this, but the reality is that therapy is meant to foster cooperation between partners. Feeling like you need the therapist on your side indicates you're approaching the relationship as a competition, not a cooperative interaction — nothing good comes from that."
16."Keeping score. A partnership is a team — not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners ('I always, 'she never...'). Remembering that each person has their own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to having a healthy relationship."
17."Refusing to make a decision about whether you want to be in the relationship or not. I was doing sessions twice a week with one couple, and we had gotten absolutely nowhere in six months. Every couple of sessions, we would come back around to the question of whether the wife wanted to be in the marriage or not, and she never had an answer. Therapy ended up stuck in the same limbo as their marriage..."
18."When one person is entirely dependent on the other, especially at a relatively young age — I mean financially and emotionally. These are typically young women (sometimes young men as well) who do not work, do not have children, stay home all day, and have no friends or hobbies outside of hanging out with their spouse. It's very unhealthy and a huge red flag. It always ends in a painful and messy breakup. Generally, we try to get them to find a friend, join a community, get a job, or volunteer — something to provide them with self-worth and personal fulfillment outside of their spouse."
19."One of the biggest red flags I look for is metaconversation. For example, partner one is mad that partner two doesn't help out at home more. There are always two levels of communication: One is the direct message intended (please clean up the dishes), and the second is communication about the communication ('I expect you to do what I ask'). When communication about the communication turns meta, the message gets muddled, and a power struggle erupts from misunderstandings. Tone, body language, and the way one responds to the request all become the focal point."
"If the arguments don't fall into meta arguments, then that's a sign the couple has a strong foundation. The work is usually about exploring expectations of the relationship or readjusting roles.
If they fall into meta arguments, it's a sign the couple needs to build up their foundation (which will likely lead them to be able to adjust the roles themselves once that happens).
Two different approaches, the same base issue at hand."
20."I'm a marriage counselor in Texas, and probably one of the biggest mistakes that couples make is forgetting that they’re on the same team (they fight to win instead of fight to resolve). Focus on hearing and understanding each other and engage in disagreements with an eye on coming together, and compromise will follow easily."
21."One thing I've learned in counseling couples (or one member seeking to repair the relationship) is that a significant part of their recovery needs another couple to provide perspective. There are only so many cards a therapist or psychiatrist can play, and it becomes limiting if the couple only uses you as a source of insight."
22."My grand-aunt was a couples therapist for many, many years (she's my relationship sage). One of the red flags she told me is spouses who don't sleep together without a justifiable reason as in, not due to work conflicts or medical reasons, but because one spouse just doesn't feel like going to bed alongside the other. Lack of intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual) will lead to the two drifting apart."
23."One partner is saying they’re seeking your services to help them determine if they want to stay together, and the other partner is saying they’re seeking your services to make it so they do stay together. Then it’s about highlighting the points and allowing the person who is on the fence to decide what they want since the other person knows..."
24."Getting married because they wanted a wedding, not because they wanted to be married."
25.And finally, "Relationship therapist here. One of the biggest red flags I see when working with a new couple is when they've totally forgotten the good. Part of relationship therapy is reconnecting a couple with what they like about each other, what initially attracted them to each other, and what the positives are between them. When people come in and they've been so unhappy for so long that they actually can't remember what it was like to be in love, or to even like each other, they're just about hopeless. You don't have to be happy for therapy to work — but if you can't even reminisce about the good times, then the good times are probably over."
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
