Yahoo Lifestyle People Confessed Issues They Face In Humongous Age Gap Relationships, And Man, It's A Doozy
A Reddit user asked couples of the community, "[Those] with a large age difference, how is it different, and what kind of issues do you face?"
Their experiences were sooooo eye-opening that they inspired our BuzzFeed Community to share their own age gap relationship stories.
Here's what they had to say:
Note: Some submissions include topics of domestic and emotional abuse, and suicide. Please proceed with caution.
1."My ex-husband was 19 years older than me. He had a daughter who was two months younger than me. It was a horrible marriage. He was so immature, had a degree, and could get a good job, but he jumped around to different places and wouldn't stay in one place. He was controlling and would always bring up the age difference and say things like, 'I know you wish you were with someone younger' and things like that. He isolated me from my family, and I tried to convince him I loved him every day. His daughter and I got along great, but I left after things became abusive. He never dates anyone his own age except for his daughter's mother. I'm sure not all relationships with age gaps are bad, but my experience was awful."
2."I'm 43, and my partner is 57, and we've been together for 14 years now. Prior to this relationship, my biggest age gap relationship was just two years. It's interesting because we both come from very specific backgrounds relating to what our fathers did for a living during the Cold War (experiences people my own age could never relate to). Occasionally, something comes up where my partner is just mind-blown at how old I was when x, y, and z happened. But aside from dumb stuff like, 'Yeah, I was five when that film came out,' it's a non-issue because our experiences over our lives are so similar. Neither of us has or wants children, which I think, on some levels, makes it easier. But I don't believe it's ever as simple as a number or perceived maturity or whatever."
3."I'm 59. Men my own age and older are either too conservative, or I'm invisible to them because all they want are twenty-something women. I feel like I'll never date again if I don't go younger, but anything less than 40 is just too much of a difference. But, I want someone who really cares for me and not someone for whom I'm only a caretaker or a fetish."
4."I think age gaps are pretty weird if there's a 15-year difference. But people forget why the age gap is 'gross:' it's because of the power dynamic. Someone who's older may use that to manipulate you and do whatever they have in mind. But as long as the power is distributed fairly, I don't see any problem with it if it's not like I'm 18 and he's 40. Because that's preying on a child. I had the same thoughts as everyone here until I met this man who was 10 years older than me. I have never met someone more respectful, more patient, and emotionally mature than him. I'm not sure where me and him are headed, but he has opened my mind to so many things that I should have cared more about before meeting him."
"I've never felt safer to express my feelings and more confident in my life. The only thing that intimidates me since we are only dating is thinking how great he is and how much more growing I have to do.
But, I'll always think about the man I met in my twenties who helped me ground myself into who I'll become."
5."My boyfriend is 14 years older than me and truly my soulmate. We’ve been together almost four years now and have helped each other grow so much. He has a 16-year-old son (the same age as my younger brother, funnily enough) who I love and adore so much. I’ve always felt old for my age (29) and am so thankful for him and the family we’re building together. Thinking about how he’ll die before me sends me into an absolute tailspin, but it also means I appreciate all the years we do have even more."
6."A dear friend of my family was around 50 when his wife died of cancer. Before dying, she told him she didn't want him to be alone and to not keep himself from finding a new partner after she would leave. He said NO WAY because he was so sad. After she died, some friends banded together and gifted him a trip to Mexico to help him feel less depressed. While he was over there, he met a 30-year-old Mexican woman and they fell head over heels with each other. She came to the US with him later, and they got married. They've been together for about 25 years now and adore each other. She is wheelchair-ridden due to having polio as a child, and he has a severe gluten allergy. They take such good care of each other."
7."My wife is 16 years younger than me (for the record, SHE hit on ME to start our relationship). We started dating when she was in her mid-twenties, and I was in my late-thirties. We meshed well and had similar interests, and I proposed after a couple of years of dating. By this time, her family was over the age difference, and we waited almost two more years to tie the knot. We've been married 10+ years now and have turned out better than her siblings and mine combined. I handle the day-to-day stuff so she can do her own thing, and my only worry is that eventually, I will pass before her, and I am not sure she will be capable of living without me taking care of all the small things for her."
8."I’m 27 and currently dating a man who is 65. I asked for his number, and since then, we have hit it off. He takes me out for dinner, walks me home after work, and makes me smile and happy. He has such an upbeat, trendy, and young energy (which I am so attracted to). Things are going well, and I’ve never been happier in my life since meeting him."
9."My husband and I have a 14-year age difference, and we met at work. We’ve been married for 31 years now. We both have children from previous marriages, but none of them are together. Our kids are very close, love each other, and love us. My only fear is the same one all married couples have, which is having to live without the other person should they die first. But we all have that fear, and no one knows what the future holds. We have a wonderful marriage and family — I wouldn’t change a thing."
10."My husband was 13 years older than me. We were married 33 years before he passed away three years ago. He had Alzheimer’s disease for the last six years of his life. Despite that, he was a wonderful husband, and we had a remarkable marriage. Someone asked me if I had known in advance that he would develop Alzheimer’s, would I have married him? I absolutely would have. Even though the last six years were tough and sometimes sad, I was married to the best husband any woman could have possibly expected for 27 years, and very few women can say that. BTW, my first husband was only a year older than me, and was killed in an accident at age 35. It was a terrible marriage."
11."You know people are capable of tightrope walking across canyons and eating expired food and not dying. Just because people CAN do something and they CAN be successful in doing it, it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Age gap relationships are disgusting. They CAN work, but it’s a bad idea. I’m a man and married to a woman who is my own age. We’ve been married for 20 years and have three kids. We’re happy. We both did our fair share of dating before we met each other. I dated a 20-year-old girl when I was 30, and I dated a 45-year-old woman when I was 28. Both relationships didn’t last, and I think a big part of that was the age difference."
"Instead of dating someone 30 years older or younger than you, how about doing some serious self-inventory to get to the root cause of why you seek out such age-gap relationships?
I feel like it's guaranteed that if a 28-year-old finds an 82-year-old attractive enough to bang and marry, there’s another 28-year-old counterpart who's more compatible."
12."I'm 36, and my partner is 62, and we've been together for 12 years. He has a daughter who is 39, and we get along really well (we have more in common then most of my own friends). My partner and I got some comments at first, but it stopped after a few years. It may be unusual, but it works for us. We do have an open relationship in part to deal with the difference in sex drives."
13."My parents have 20 years between them, and the generational differences are their number-one biggest issue. My dad expected my mom to listen and maintain the house and fit in a box. My mom is Catholic, so that worked for a while — but when my dad had to retire because of a disability, things went to shit. He couldn’t work, and his whole sense of self crumbled. My mom stepped up, went to nursing school, and became the 'breadwinner.' Because she was able to take over, he was incredibly jealous, and since he didn’t believe in therapy, he became incredibly petty."
"He could have been open to a different identity by going to therapy (but he couldn’t be because 'men didn’t do therapy' in his generation). But my mom is still Catholic, and feels responsible for him because of his disability — so they’re stuck in this horrifyingly toxic mess of a marriage.
*I* (the 34-year-old child) am still working through the trauma related to their absolute generationally-driven NONSENSE."
14."I’m 38, and my husband is 54. His children are all in the military, and blame him for his ex-wife’s suicide. It’s difficult at times because he doesn’t let me learn on my own since he already knows things and was a very successful lawyer. We get along for the most part — he loves me and helped me during a really bad point in my life when I was severely depressed. I also helped him when he was in a bad car accident while on the phone with me. We both almost died, but helped each other through those times."
"My mother believes in past lives and thinks we somehow had a past life together. I know I’ll be with him forever, and I completely trust him, which is something I’ve never had.
You can’t chose who you fall in love with — relationships are work, but the good far outweighs the bad. It’s been 16 years now, and I haven’t wanted anyone else beside me but him ❤️."
15."I was in a relationship with a man 25 years my senior. The age gap didn’t really hit until I visited my parents at their retirement community. I saw the younger wives with their elderly husbands push them around in wheelchairs or having to help them out of the car. I realized what exactly I’d be looking at in the long-term, and TBH, it kinda shook me."
16."I think like with all dating, it completely depends on the individuals. I (34F) dated a guy (53M) who was basically obsessed with age and weight — I think a lot of the appeal for him was feeling younger by extension. He was shallow and self-absorbed (which had to do with him as an individual and not his age). He thought he'd provide for me in a way that would make me unable to leave him, and I know because he literally said those words to me. He thought I was uncomfortable being around him in public because of the age gap, and when I realized that it was because he’s literally not a good person, that’s when I knew it was time to break up."
17."I'm 38, and my husband is 64, and we've been married for 17 years now. We do disagree on things from time to time like some people do, but we have a great relationship and three awesome kids. He's very loving, and would do anything for our family."
18."I married my husband when I was 22 and he was 44. His oldest daughter is four years younger than me. He also has a daughter who’s five years younger than her sister, and a son who’s five years younger than that. We’ve been married nearly 20 years, and my step-kids and I are really close. I can’t have kids, so that’s not an issue. Honestly, the only 'problem' is that he will retire a lot sooner than I can, but I work remotely and can also work from the car, so we still get to travel."
19."I have always dated older men because I thought if I wanted someone who was mature, then go for someone older. Well, he is 16 years older than me, and I have to say I was wrong. The amount of immaturity is outstanding. He lies about everything relationship-wise, and is very selfish. I can't communicate about anything important, especially about us, because he will go into silent treatment mode or he will lie or change the subject. It's very frustrating to the point where I just don't try anymore. What's the point when he can't tell the truth? If they lie about small things, they're sure as hell gonna lie about big things. I guess some people never mature."
20."I was with a man who was 42, and I was 19 when we met, and we started sleeping together. I was attracted to him physically, and as an added bonus, I had a paid internship where he just got hired. Everyone I knew that met him asked me if I was okay, and now a decade later, I understand why. He was controlling, manipulative, and we spent most nights drinking heavily. He lost his job after a year and a half, so I had to support him while I worked two jobs and was going to school. When I broke up with him, he stalked me for six months. He showed up drunk screaming outside of my apartment, slashed the tires of a guy who I had over, and told everyone we were still dating and I was just having to deal with family things."
"I believe it depends on the person, but if my daughter dates someone who's significantly older, I will have a lot of things to say."
21."I'm 24, and my partner is 55. We both make each other happy, we both help each other get out of sad moods, and know how to cheer each other up. He is the person who I can't stop smiling about when I see him, and he gives me such good advice when I need it. He's never dated anyone more than a year younger than him, so he's sometimes a little apprehensive — but we work well together."
22."I was born into a family with an age gap relationship. My grandma was abandoned by her first husband (father to her eldest four children), then she divorced my grandpa when she was about 45. Then, she met and dated a 30-year-old guy when she was 51 years old. They were just really sweet to each other, and they got married in 1982. I was born later, and he seemed old to me, too. But it was great. He was really shy and quiet, whereas my grandma was a free-spirited artist type. As she got older, she got more 'scatterbrained,' and he took such good care of her."
23.And finally, "Last year when I turned 50, I was approached by a 37-year-old man, and I gave him a chance because he was smart, funny, and very handsome. However, soon it turned out he was also immature, selfish, and self-centered. He refused to use condoms, canceled dates at the last second, and changed plans when I already saved time and organized everything. He eventually ghosted me, saying he is 'just too busy.' Never again — he ruined all younger men for me. Also, six months after he ghosted me, he had the audacity to send me a message: 'Hi, what are you doing?' to which I didn't reply."
Note: Some submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.
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