Yahoo Lifestyle Think you might be bisexual? Here’s how these women figured out their sexuality
Figuring out your sexuality can take a long time — and it’s no different for bisexuals. Add in bi-erasure and the still all-too-prevalent misconceptions about bisexuality; coming to terms with your bisexuality can be tricky.
“Being unsure about whether or not you’re bi is actually Bi Culture,” says Jen Winston, author of GREEDY: Notes From a Bisexual Who Wants Too Much. “You may think that uncertainty makes you more straight, but it actually makes you more bisexual.”
So, if you’re wondering, ‘Am I bisexual?’, or are identifying as bicurious, you need to firstly look past the stereotypes. Despite what you may have heard, bisexuality means being attracted to more than one gender. Gender, like sexuality, exists on a spectrum. It is not binary. If you are attracted to people regardless of their gender, and have the potential to be attracted to someone of any gender, you could be pansexual. Other people might use queer. But the label you use is up to you; there is no right or wrong when identifying your sexuality.
Am I bisexual?
“The first thing to note is that sexual identity is not just about who you are attracted to, it is also about how you identify; who you see yourself as and how you want to be seen by others. Just because you think you may be bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean you want to act on it. Just because someone has sex with someone of the same sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are bi,” explains Marianne.
It’s really common and normal to reflect on and/or question your sexuality. “It’s far more common that we realise. Everyone begins curious, you may recall having a strong pull towards a friend of the same sex as a child for example, but as we grow and we become more aware of social norms and where we fit within these, our sexuality is moulded to fit the way we want to be perceived,” she adds.
Talking to other people, especially other bisexuals about their sexuality (as long as they’re cool with it and you don’t start immediately asking about their sex life) can also be super useful. “The only way to be certain about your bisexuality is to take an internet quiz!” jokes Jen. “I’m only half kidding — it’s honestly helpful to have one’s bi identity validated by an external source, even if that source happens to be nine questions about what pizza toppings you like.”
How to start exploring bisexuality
“It can be helpful to start by exploring what bisexuality means to you, in the abstract. In terms of what someone should do, it depends on many factors. Are they single or attached? Do they believe in monogamy or are they in an open relationship? What do they want to do about their sexuality and why is it even a question? Do they have some internal bias they need to address?”
And never forget, you are the main character in all of this. “This is about your feelings, your sexuality, your relationship status. If you feel you need to act, then act, but do it on your terms in your own time and within the perimeters of what you are comfortable with,” Marianne says.
Understanding that no one is going to ever give you ‘officially bi for life’ sticker is also important. All labels are just tools we use to to convey our inner world to the people around us — they may change over time as we change. Plus, given that bisexuality is still often seen as a phase, you might have to get used to not being validated by the people around you.
“Inherently, it’s hard to know for sure that you’re bi because bisexuality requires us to make peace with a constant uncertainty. It forces us to inhabit the space between. It pushes us to get comfortable with shades of grey. Bisexuality is about finding stability in a state of flux,” adds Jen.
Bisexual stories
To help you better understand your sexuality, we’ve rounded up a few stories from different women about how they realised they’re bisexual.
“I’ve always known”
“I’ve pretty much always known that I’m bisexual. In middle school, I felt my cheeks growing hot around the boys and girls alike. Whenever TV shows or movies mentioned bisexuality, I perked up, getting the vague sense that they were talking to me. But realising that I was bisexual wasn’t the hard part — the hard part was claiming the identity out loud. I didn’t feel like I deserved it — after all, I still liked guys. I figured everyone was a little bit bisexual, which meant that it wasn’t worth me talking about my feelings whatsoever. I also worried that bisexuality was erasing trans and non-binary people. Now I know that bisexuality and gender fluidity are deeply related and supportive ideas. My coming out journey was essentially a series of realisations that most of what I thought I knew was bullshit. I woke up to the fact that my gut instincts were correct.” — Jen Winston
“I’d been fantasising about it for years”
“I didn’t let myself use the label until I’d actually slept with a girl, which happened when I was 22, but the signs were there early on and I had been actively fantasising about it for years. I still gravitate towards the label bi and don’t like that people keep calling that label transphobic/exclusive of non-binary gender identities, because that’s not how the bi community defines it. I’m ambivalent about calling myself pansexual, since I really haven’t encountered a gender identity I can’t be attracted to. But many pan people describe themselves as feeling like gender is irrelevant to their experience of attraction, and that’s not true for me.” [via]
“My own insecurities still hold me back”
“It started as, ‘I just like lesbian porn’. Then it progressed to, ‘I’m super feminist because women are strong and beautiful and wonderful’. After that I moved to, ‘Wow some women are just breathtakingly beautiful and funny and sweet’. It was only after my own self image improved that I was able to move from, ‘I want to be like her’, to, ‘I just want her’. I guess it took from about age 14 to 19, but my own insecurities still hold me back a lot.” [via]
“My first experience with women was at a play party”
“I’m a queer cisgender female, and I started exploring my sexuality when I was 31. I’m 35 now. I honestly had no idea that I was capable of being sexually and romantically attracted to people other than cis/heterosexual men until I actually tried it! My first time being sexual with a non-male was at a play party where I specifically stated that I wanted to play with women. The organiser took me up on it and we made out and got busy in front of basically everyone. What an amazing first time. After that I had opportunities to have consensual, low-pressure make-outs and sex with queer folx and women at other parties. Honestly, without that chance I’m not sure I would have realised I was queer and it was okay that I didn’t know for my whole life.
My first romantic realisation of queerness was when I started dating my (hopefully) future spouse who is non-binary AFAB [assigned female at birth]. We immediately fell hard for each other, and I had absolutely no doubt that my feelings were valid and serious. Since then I’ve also started dating a woman (we’re all polyamorous).” [via]
“The way I felt about women was different”
“I’m still not sure how or when I realised, but I was 26 before I really accepted it. I’d kind of always liked women but the way I felt about them vs how I felt about men felt a little different, so I just brushed it off.” [via]
“Making out commenced”
“When I was a teenager, my best friend was at my house for a sleepover, and she told me, ‘I have a crush on you’. My immediate feeling was something like, ‘Hey, I think I’m into that’. Making out commenced, and that is how I figured out I was bisexual.” [via]
“I didn’t know any bisexuals who were out”
“In retrospect, I’ve had crushes on girls as long as I can remember. But I always confused them for admiration or jealousy as a kid. I remember sometimes thinking randomly, ‘I’m not a lesbian, I’ve had crushes on guys’. Didn’t even consider bisexuality until I was 16, and I had a sexy dream about a girl. And I went, ‘Holy shit’, and things started to fall into place. I always used to think that bisexuality was just a thing straight women pretended to do to be subversive/sexy, or a stepping stone to coming out as lesbian, because that was the only way I ever saw it portrayed. I didn’t know any bisexuals who were out. So I just assumed it wasn’t an option for me.” [via]
“I thought I was a lesbian for a couple of years”
“It was sure a bumpy ride. I always had crushes on guys, though I always got too uncomfortable to even kiss a guy. So I tried kissing a random girl at a party, and figured out I liked women. I thought I was a lesbian for a couple of years, and didn’t even consider guys during that time. Then I started getting crushes on guys again... So I had sex with a guy. Now I’m bisexual. Sexual orientation is very obvious to some people, but to others, not so much.” [via]
“I figured this was ‘normal’ for straight people”
“As a teenager, I always found guys and girls attractive. I figured this was ‘normal’ for straight people. I never considered acting on any of my thoughts/feelings towards other girls. When I was in university, I hooked up with my housemate after a night out. Neither of us had been with a woman before. Afterwards it left me with many confusing feelings. Unfortunately she had a boyfriend, and blamed me for her cheating on him. She wouldn’t really talk to me about my feelings. It ruined our friendship.
A few years later I tried dating another woman, but it didn’t work. The sex was great, but romantically we didn’t work. Over time, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m a heteroromantic bisexual. Sexually, I’m bisexual, and attracted to men and women. However romantically I’m only attracted to men.” [via]
“It helped not to think too much about labels”
“Through my teen years, I was only attracted to girls I knew in real life. But I was attracted to male characters in fiction. So that was kind of confusing, but I just rolled with it. I figured I just hadn’t met any boys IRL that I was attracted to. And given that I was only attracted to, like, three girls out of the hundreds I knew, that didn’t seem implausible. Honestly though, it helped to just adopt an attitude of, ‘Well I’m attracted to whoever I’m attracted to!’ and not think too much about labels.” [via]
“I wish she was sitting on my face”
“Okay, so there is this thing I guess that’s common knowledge that girls look at other girls and check them out, even if they’re straight. So, my friends would be like, ‘Wow look at her boobs’, and I’d be like, ‘Whoa I was just thinking that! I’m straight, then, because they’re straight, and they’re thinking what I’m thinking’. Only, I didn’t notice growing up that they usually finished the sentence with, ‘I wish I had boobs like that!’, whereas I would mentally finish the thought with, ‘I wish she was sitting on my face’. [via]
“I always found myself gazing more at girls than boys”
“I always found myself gazing more at girls than boys. When I was old enough to discover porn and erotic art, I felt extremely aroused by the female images, but not the male ones. I’m bi, but I always found women a lot easier on the eyes, and have always had an easier time getting aroused thinking about women.” [via]
“It seemed like the logical conclusion”
“I’m in a relationship with a man, and have only dated men, but I’ve kissed girls and been into it sexually. And sometimes I masturbate to women. But I enjoy kissing and fucking dudes too, and sometimes masturbate to dudes, so it seems like the logical conclusion.” [via]
“I think I just knew”
“I still question it sometimes. I identify as bisexual, but sometimes I feel like I’m lying because I haven’t been with a woman since I was a teen in high school. But I find myself having crushes on women, and fantasising about women, so I still identify as bisexual when someone asks. But I think I just knew.” [via]
“I learned very early not to talk about it”
“Just always been attracted to men and women. My upbringing from my mother was very insistent that I did not actually like women, so I learned very early to not talk about it. But it’s never gone away. Since I’m married to a man, I get the typical backlash that I’m ‘not really bi’ or ‘will cheat some day’. Which of course is very irritating.” [via]
“I’ve always been into women”
“I’m in my late 20s and only realised I’m also into women this year. I looked back at high school and thought, ‘Huh, I think I acted so crazy and jealous because I was in love with her’. And also realised I had these really specific memories of when friends looked especially beautiful. Hot damn, I’ve always been into women, how about that?” [via]
“I wonder if I’m more demisexual”
“In high school, any sex/romantic dreams I had revolved around girls, and I was kind of fixated with boobs. I also never experienced intense attraction to guys, so until I started dating my current (and only) boyfriend I actually thought I might be gay. I do wonder if I’m more demisexual, but I’m staying under the bi umbrella until/unless I discover differently for sure. For reference, I am now mid twenties and in a committed relationship.” [via]
“It’s only girls”
“I just had that ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling for girls the same way I did boys. Now it’s only girls, but some guys are still fun to look at in a, ‘Yeah he’s attractive with a great body’ way. But emotionally, it’s like watching paint dry.” [via]
“I know what I like”
“There are men that I’m turned on by, and women that I’m turned on by. The first time I was attracted to a woman I wondered if I was a lesbian, even after multiple crushes on men. I quickly realised how silly that was. I know what I like.” [via]
“For most of my life, I didn’t think about labels”
“I’m bisexual, but for most of my life I didn’t really think too much about what my exact sexuality was. I didn’t stress out about labelling myself, or officially coming out as anything. I just liked who I liked and dated who I dated and did what made me happy.” [via]
“My taste in women in very specific”
“I had crushes on boys before. You want to get his attention, hang out with him, find excuses to get to know him, and be noticed by him. If there was a cute boy in my class and I got paired with him on a project, I’d think, ‘Yesssss!!’. One day it was just like that... but with a girl. She and I dated for four years. My taste in women is very, very specific. I have been attracted to significantly less women than men. But for the most part, it feels just the same.” [via]
“Just trust your instincts”
“Being attracted to girls was incredibly natural for me. I had a best friend in secondary school (we were 12/13yrs) who would sleep over. We used to hug, snuggle, stroke, and kiss. We never thought of it as sex I suppose, just being loving and doing what best friends do. Looking back, it always led to more than hugs. This went on for years before I realised that other girls were crushing on boys and didn’t have the same intimate relationships with their girlfriends. I’m actually with a guy now, and have been for eight years but I guess it’s all down to whatever gets you hot, wet, and ready at the time.” [via]
“There wasn’t one specific event that made me realise”
“I’ve just known all of my life really. For as long as I’ve been attracted to people at all, I’ve been attracted to men and women. There wasn’t one specific event that made me realise my sexuality, it was just always there.” [via]
“I thought I was gay at first”
“Interestingly, I thought I was gay at first. Spent two to three years of my life thinking I only liked girls, before one day a light bulb just randomly lit up in my head and I was like, ‘Wait a minute...’.” [via]
“She said I must be bisexual”
“A friend pointed it out. I said I thought a girl was cute, she said, ‘So you’re gay?’ I said, ‘No, boys are cute too’. She said I must be bisexual. I thought about it and realised that’s what it was.” [via]
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