Yahoo Lifestyle 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're 'Too Sensitive'
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An individual who "feels a lot of feelings" might be considered a "highly sensitive person," an empath or someone who's simply in touch with their emotions. Another description that can be thrown around a lot, however, is "sensitive," and it's not always used in a respectful, kind way (to say the least). Sound familiar? Luckily, psychologist and author Dr. Alexandra Solomon is here to share 11 phrases to use if someone says you're "too sensitive."
Maybe you tend to read into things and easily worry that someone is mad at you. Perhaps you have a difficult time reading the news or watching a scary movie. Maybe you feel especially hurt when someone doesn't consider your opinion when making a decision. There are plenty of examples when your valid sensitivities might be apparent to those around you. While some loved ones might offer support and reassurance, others might be dismissive of your sensitive nature.
Whether you're hearing the comment from an emotionally unavailable husband, a condescending family member, or a friend or family member who doesn't always take your concerns seriously, it may be time to stop saying or thinking, "It's OK" when it's really not OK.
Solomon, author of Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow and Thrive, understands how difficult it can feel to respond to someone who claims you're "too sensitive." However, there are many responses that can lead to a more "curious conversation," as Solomon explains, or end the exchange right then and there—depending on what you'd like.
Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You're "Too Sensitive," According to a Psychologist
1. “Huh. Interesting. I’m curious to hear more about your perspective.”
"This response opens you up for further feedback, so it should only be used if you really trust that the other person has your best interests at heart and that they are truly interested in having a curious conversation about why you might be having the emotional response you’re having to the situation at hand," Solomon shares.
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2. “You’re right. I agree with you that I am sensitive. What you did hurt my feelings.”
"Rather than resisting the other person’s perspective, lean into it," Solomon recommends. "The other person cannot escalate now because you are not defending yourself. And, one could argue that having an emotional response is a reflection of sensitivity. Any therapist worth their fee will tell you that being able to access your emotions is a cornerstone of mental health. Three cheers for sensitivity!"
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3. “I hear that you think I’m too sensitive. I disagree.”
"You are practicing reflective listening by repeating what you’ve heard this person say," Solomon explains. "You are sharing your perspective ('I disagree'), but you are not escalating, arguing or trying to change their point of view. It’s unclear where the conversation would go from here, but when someone deems you to be 'too sensitive,' there’s not a lot of productive directions for the conversation to go anyways!"
4. “I hear that you think I’m too sensitive. It might also be the case that you’re too rough.”
"You are practicing reflective listening by repeating what you’ve heard this person say," says Solomon. "And then you are proposing another way of looking at the situation, one that highlights that relationships are subjective. This response could be seen as inflammatory or argumentative, but if your tone is calm and warm, this response has the potential to open up a courageous conversation about the values and communication styles/preferences/needs that you each bring into your relationship with each other. Best case scenario: you come away from the conversation with a deeper understanding of yourselves and each other. And a set of ground rules and relational agreements."
5. “If the tables were turned, you might not feel the way I feel, but that doesn’t mean that my feelings are too big or invalid.”
"One of my favorite quotes, of unknown origin, is this: 'The first thing you should know about me is that I am not you. A lot more will make sense after that,'" Solomon shares. "Arguing about so-called 'objective reality' is a dead-end. When we view relationships in this good/bad/right/wrong binary way, it is hard to feel safe and relaxed in each other’s presence."
Related: 9 Ways To Begin Your Emotional Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist
6. “If I agree to explore why I am having a strong emotional response, would you agree to explore why you’re feeling the need to criticize my emotional response?”
"Our emotions are data," stresses Solomon. "When we find ourselves moving from calm to activated, that is an opportunity for self-inquiry. How does this response I’m having right now connect to something from my past? What does this moment remind me of from my past? You might be having a strong emotional response because you have a legitimate and understandable tender spot that this person just activated."
"For example, you grew up with a controlling parent, so you easily feel micromanaged," Solomon continues. "Or you were bullied as a kid, so you scan for evidence that someone might be making fun of you. Relationships are strongest when both people are willing to engage in this kind of Relational Self-Awareness work. You would look at why you are having a strong emotional reaction to the other person’s words or actions. And the other person would look at why they are so activated by your 'sensitive' emotions."
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7. “You feel like I’m too sensitive. I wonder if it’s hard for you to see me expressing hurt because it seems to me that you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be stoic.”
"This response posits that what is going on here is a classic case of projection," explains Solomon. "This person is judging you because you are giving yourself permission to behave in a manner they would not let themselves behave. They judge you for what they do not allow themselves."
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8. “Rather than debate whether my emotions are valid, I think we should talk about the issue itself.”
"Debating whether you’re too sensitive or appropriately sensitive is a distraction from the issue at hand," Solomon points out. "The other person might want to focus on your sensitivity as a way of avoiding feeling shame about whatever they did or said that hurt you in the first place."
9. “When you tell me I am too sensitive, in a moment when I feel hurt by something you’ve done, I feel judged and criticized.”
"This is what therapists call an XYZ statement," Solomon explains. "Rather than arguing back ('No I’m not') or accommodating ('I’m sorry'), an XYZ statement is a way of standing up for yourself without putting the other person down. An XYZ statement minimizes the chances that the other person will escalate."
Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists
10. “Correct me if I am wrong, but I don’t think it’s your job to decide the appropriate size or type of emotional response.”
"This response is a little sassy, but in Love Every Day, I wrote, 'You are not the Actuary of Emotional Responses.' None of us is the Actuary of Emotional Responses," Solomon reiterates.
11. “When you are ready to discuss the issue rather than my emotions, please let me know. Until then, I am not available for this conversation.”
"Of all the responses I’ve offered, this one is the firmest," says Solomon. "It is a simple establishment of a boundary designed to protect yourself from criticism. Unlike the other responses which may open the door to a curious conversation, this response is likely to shut the conversation down."
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Dr. Alexandra H. Solomon, Ph.D., is internationally recognized as one of today's most trusted voices in the world of relationships, and her framework of Relational Self-Awareness has reached millions of people around the globe. A couples therapist, speaker, author, and professor, Dr. Solomon is passionate about translating cutting-edge research and clinical wisdom into practical tools people can use to bring awareness, curiosity, and authenticity to their relationships. She is a clinician educator and a frequent contributor to academic journals, and she translates her academic and therapeutic experience to the public through her popular Instagram page, which has garnered over 220K followers. She is on faculty in the School of Education and Social Policy at Northwestern University and is a licensed clinical psychologist at The Family Institute at Northwestern University. Her hit podcast, Reimagining Love, reaches tens of thousands of listeners across the globe each week and features high-profile guests from the worlds of therapy, academia, and pop culture. She is the award-winning author of Taking Sexy Back, Loving Bravely, and most recently Love Every Day, available wherever books are sold.
