Yahoo Lifestyle 10 Coping Tips To Help If You're Grieving Around the Holidays
If you've experienced a loss, the holiday season can feel particularly painful. It's not uncommon for people to be experiencing grief during the holidays, especially if the ones they've lost were a major part of their holiday celebrations in the past. "It's another reminder that they're not here," shares Arielle Jordan, LCPC, EMDR trauma therapist, and author of Holding Space: My Story of Grief, Remembering and Thriving After Traumatic Loss. "Sometimes I see people shaming themselves because they feel that way, and I say, listen, you have to feel it to heal it. We realize it's okay to not be okay. We let that feeling visit. It doesn't have to move in."
"I think the holidays, and life in general, have a lot of grief in them," shares Alex Piscatelli, founder and writer of The Grief and Media Project. "I lost my dad when I was 17, and it was around Christmas time. Having that grief anniversary around that time is really difficult. And my mom, who passed away two years ago, passed away on January 31, which was still kind of holiday time. Hers was to cancer, so a lot of the decline was around that holiday time too." Piscatelli started the Grief and Media Project, an outlet (newsletter and podcast) that explores feelings around grief. "A lot of people have told me how helpful it has been for them, and that's been really great to see."
If you're grieving this holiday season, you're not alone. We've asked Jordan and Piscatelli to share some of their thoughts on grief around this time of year and how to make things feel a little more manageable.
Do What Feels Right to You
Don't worry about what you "should" be doing or what other people might expect you to be doing. "There's no right or wrong way to grieve during the holidays because everyone's grief experience is so personal to them," says Piscatelli. "Everyone's relationship with the person they've lost is so personal to them. If you want to spend the holidays alone, that can be a time to recharge and bask in memories if you want to, or just to sleep and watch TV. Or if you want to spend it with chosen family, that can also be a beautiful thing."
Celebrate Your Loved One
Finding ways to bring your loved one's presence to the season can be a powerful expression of love. If they loved making a certain dish, putting up particular holiday decorations, or doing something special around the holidays, you can carry on their traditions in their honor. This is also something that you can do if you're supporting someone else who is grieving a loss this season.
"My best friend has my dad's cookbook and she'll send me a message like 'I just made pasta fazool,' and it's comforting to me," says Piscatelli. It's been really nice to have people in my life tell me they're thinking of my parents around this time, or that they're thinking of me around this time."
Catch up on TV Time
"I'm huge on watching movies and TV shows that make me feel comforted, which is why I started Grief and Media Project," says Piscatelli. "Going back to watch different pieces of media that I either watched with my parents growing up or that are comforting in some way is a nice thing to watch during the holidays especially."
If watching something that reminds you of a loss is too difficult this season, you can also opt for something like an old sitcom or a silly reality TV show that still provides comfort and distraction.
Journal
"I'm a big journaler," says Jordan. "Sometimes I'll suggest to people: Would it help for you to just dump it out? Other times, would it help for you to write a letter to that person, writing out what you miss about them? What would you say to them today if they were here?" Writing out your feelings can help you process them and accept them, at least in the moment.
Reset
If you're feeling physical symptoms of grief like exhaustion or an upset stomach, it's okay to take a break. "Maybe you do the bare minimum today and give yourself a break rather than making sure you push through and complete all the things. Sometimes we do need to kind of lower our expectations for ourselves and listen to our bodies," says Jordan.
In addition to fatigue, other things that come up for people might be a heaviness in their chest, irritability, anger, or numbness. If you notice these things happening, think about what would be helpful for you in that moment and how you might be able to give that to yourself or seek it from someone else.
Positive Self Talk
Sometimes, people can experience some shame around their grief. They might feel as though they "should be over it" or they don't want to bring everyone else down around the holidays with their feelings. "You can put it on someone else," explains Jordan. "What if your niece came to you and said that same thing? Usually, it's a different perspective. If it's someone they love and care about, they wouldn't want them to feel that way."
Reminisce on the Past (or Don't)
Piscatelli shared that around this time of year, she finds it difficult to see people posting family photos on social media. "When I see photos like that on social media, I go and take a look at old family photos that bring me comfort."
Another option is to avoid social media for the few days around the holidays, or to temporarily mute friends or accounts you know will be posting things that you find difficult.
Chat With a Therapist
If you're having difficulty with grief around the holiday season (or any other time of year), consider seeking therapy. Therapy can be a helpful place to explore your feelings, gain a different perspective, and learn how to get yourself through some of life's more difficult moments. You can also look for a therapist who has experience with grief.
Don't Over Indulge
Be mindful of how much food you're eating or alcohol you're drinking. You don't have to be completely sober or diet, but being aware is a good idea as you navigate this difficult season of life. If you do find yourself overly reliant on anything including alcohol or other substances, seek advice from a therapist or doctor to help you develop a new strategy.
It's Ok to Ask Questions
If you're supporting someone who is grieving, don't be afraid to talk about their loss. "I lost my daughter and my father in the same year, about 10 years ago. And for me, I love when people say her name," says Jordan. "I think sometimes we worry so much about saying the right thing." Everyone is different, if you're supporting a friend through grief ask them what they need from you and what conversations they are ok with having.
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