Yahoo Lifestyle How to safeguard your sex life
Keep your relationship healthy by identifying destructive behaviours and applying an easy fix
According to lyrical genius Ronan Keating, life is a roller-coaster. What he doesn’t mention is that negotiating the ups and downs of intimacy and sex in a relationship isn’t as easy as strapping yourself in and hoping for the best.
“Every couple will experience sexual desire problems,” says Dr David Schnarch, author of Intimacy and Desire.
“It’s normal. Two out of three couples confess to intimacy issues – and they’re just the ones admitting it.”
That’s why he’s pinpointed specific behaviours, called the Four Points of Balance, designed to stop you coming a cropper, in and out of the bedroom:
SEXUAL PROBLEM 1: THINGS ARE STALE
How’s this for depressing reading: 90 per cent of couples haven’t tried a new thing in bed since their first anniversary, according to research by psychologist Dr Pam Spurr. After two years, couples are unlikely to ever try anything different. Yowza.
“If you never do anything you’re unsure of, you’ll kill your sex life,” says Dr Schnarch.
THE FIX: RELAX INTO IT “Desire is sparked when you’re doing something different,” says WH sex expert Jacqueline Hellyer. “So if you’re having cup-of-tea sex (read: relaxing, not rampant) every time you jump in the sack, no wonder it’s boring. It’s good to try something new.”
So why don’t we? It’s usually due to anxiety, says Dr Schnarch.
“We want to be accepted by our partners, and we know they accept what we already do in bed. So the fear of trying anything new grows in case they reject us.”
His solution? “Having a quiet mind and calm heart enables you to overcome your fears,” he says. Unsurprisingly, his first Point of Balance is called Quiet Mind & Calm Heart. Dr Schnarch suggests you develop this by monitoring your body for anxiety.
“Rapid breathing, a racing heart and talking loudly are all signs you’re anxious,” he says. “If you notice these symptoms, take a deep breath, then ask yourself if you can tolerate your anxiety. Most of the time you probably can.”
Then get on with whatever new thing you’re trying.
These new moves should be approached as “an adventure not a criticism,” says WH relationship expert Dr Traci Coventry.
“Don’t say ‘I’m bored’, say ‘how about trying…’ The aim is to feel closer, not hurt each other's feelings.”
Start as small as you like. “It can be as simple as opening your eyes or switching on the lights during sex.”
SEXUAL PROBLEM 2: YOU’VE LOST SIGHT OF YOUR INDIVIDUAL SELF
Isn’t a John ’n’ Yoko-type relationship the ultimate aim? Not really, says Dr Schnarch.
“The longer you’re in a relationship, the harder it is to remain an individual,” he says.
“When you treat each other as an extension of yourself, your sex life dwindles... The testosterone produced when you first lust after them vanishes, so your sexual desire becomes suppressed.”
THE FIX: BREAK FREE – JUST A BIT What’s needed here is the cultivation of what Dr Schnarch calls the Solid Flexible Self (nothing to do with contortionism, it’s the “ability to be clear about who you are”).
True intimacy comes from understanding you both have individual needs, says John Aiken, author of Accidentally Single: 15 Mistakes That Ruin Romance. Ditch the “we are one” mentality and remember what makes you individual.
Restart the yoga classes you did before you met. Buy him the beer he loves that you hate.
“Doing something he’ll love – even if you don’t – shows you’re thinking outside your couple bubble,” says Aiken. “You’ll become two people again.”
SEXUAL PROBLEM 3: YOU BICKER ABOUT HOW OFTEN YOU HAVE SEX
Sixty-five per cent of couples admit to arguing over friskiness frequency, according to a study by Relate, the UK’s relationship guidance organisation.
“There’s a high-desire partner (HDP) and a low-desire partner (LDP) in every relationship,” explains Dr Schnarch. “The LDP always controls sex. They decide which sexual advances they respond to.” Cue Madonna vs Ritchie-style conflict.
“The HDP feels rejected, so they make nasty comments about the LDP’s sex-drive. The LDP feels hurt and is less likely to want sex. It’s a vicious cycle resulting in a sexless relationship,” says Dr Schnarch.
THE FIX: TALK ABOUT IT Dr Schnarch’s third Point of Balance, Grounded Responding, is the antidote for mismatched libidos.
“This means responding proportionally to the situation,” he explains. “Send the message ‘I want to work things out’, rather than ‘I’m trying not to lose my temper’. A no shouting or name-calling rule is a good place to start.”
But coordinating mismatched desires takes work, says Hellyer, “In long-term relationships, both partners must be open to sex.”
That doesn’t happen by cooking while checking emails. “If sex isn’t prioritised, it won’t happen,” she says.
SEXUAL PROBLEM 4: YOU’RE SO FRUSTRATED, YOU WANT TO BAIL
Arguing more than Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott? You’ve reached emotional gridlock.
“When you can’t resolve a repetitive argument, it’s easy to wonder why you’re still together,” says Dr Schnarch. “It’s virtually impossible to be intimate, so the situation becomes even worse.”
THE FIX: RIDE OUT THE BAD TIMES Of course, if a relationship is destructive or dysfunctional, leaving is probably the best move. But for those, “Is this it?” periods couples go through, Dr Schnarch suggests invoking Meaningful Endurance.
For the sake of growth in your relationship, he says, you need to cultivate the ability to tolerate discomfort.
“Like any long-term goal, a relationship isn’t always immediately gratifying,” says Dr Schnarch.
It doesn’t mean stubbornly hanging in when it’s deader than that cockroach under your fridge, but it helps to understand all relationships have difficult periods.
“Agreeing to disagree on some issues can dissolve emotional gridlock,” says Dr Schnarch.
Adds Hellyer, “Communication is essential during a rocky patch, but you don’t have to do it verbally. Holding hands is an intimate gesture that shows your partner you’re in things together – whatever your issues.”
Three non-bedroom related ways to boost your sex life
Wear high heels Women who wear stilettos strengthen their pelvic muscles and directly work the muscles linked to orgasm, claims a study at the University of Verona.
Do sudokus Brainy women have twice as many orgasms than their less-smart counterparts, shows research from King’s College in London.
Drink coffee Caffeine stimulates the part of the brain that controls arousal, shows research from Southwestern University in the US. But it only works if you’re not a regular swigger.
If you need more advice, contact Relationships Australia
