Work Spouses: Married, 9 to 5

You drive each other to work, have your own in-office jokes, do the coffee run together and have been joined at the hip for years.

But even though you’ve bared all emotionally, you’ve never stripped off together. Welcome to the 9 to 5 marriage: a relationship that 65 per cent of workers have (or have previously had), according to market research firm Captivate Network. You’re not romantically linked – you’re just office spouses.

“[Your work spouse is] your number one ally and adviser at work – the person you can laugh with or be stressed out with, have politically incorrect conversations with, and give honest opinions to,” says Dr Linda Young, a psychologist and relationships therapist who consults with companies on workplace dynamics.

And despite the long hours that work spouses spend together, studies show that most of the time nothing raunchy is going on. (Only eight per cent of workers admit to “crossing the line” with their work partner, reports the Captivate Network survey.)

What’s more, these relationships can be an asset, says Dr Young. “A non-competitive ally at work makes you more likely to look forward to going to your job, which can increase your productivity,” she explains.

Relying on someone you’re close to can also help you troubleshoot trickier tasks – something Mary, 34, who has a boyfriend, and Jake, 28, who’s single, have used to their advantage. “When things get tense, I appreciate Jake’s level head which balances me out,” says Mary. “And when he’s gotten himself into a tricky spot, I can help him form a plan to get out of it or convince him to ask others for help so he doesn’t embarrass himself in front of our boss.”

Going there

What makes these alliances particularly intimate, though, is that the office talk goes well beyond the boss’s baffling highlighter fixation. “Most of these couples find themselves blurring the boundaries between work life and personal life,” says Dr Chad McBride, a psychologist at Creighton University, US, who studies relationships between work spouses.

According to the Captive Network research, a quarter of the couples stay in touch on weeknights and weekends; plus there’s plenty of serious sharing and oversharing: 63 per cent discuss health issues, and 35 per cent talk about their sex lives. It’s this willingness to be vulnerable that brings a spouse-like feeling to the relationship.

“I find myself telling Jake things I don’t even tell my closest girlfriends. We talk about any anxieties I might have about my boyfriend, and he asks me for girl advice,” says Mary. That kind of intimacy isn’t a problem, says Dr McBride. “If you can strictly stay friends and still get into those private, personal topics, then there’s no harm,” he says.

But, as WH relationships expert Dr Traci Coventry explains, it’s inevitable that some work spouses will find it difficult to keep things strictly platonic. “Workplace intimacy – such as sharing thoughts or fears – can make it much easier to cross the line,” says Dr Coventry.

Add a spark of chemistry to all that physical and emotional closeness, and the relationship is in danger of shifting. “The truth is that many people don’t consider how hard it will be for them to handle temptation over time without acting on it,” she says. Plus, when you’re working side by side for long periods of time, without the stressors of a real partnership (like finances or family), things can become romanticised quickly, warns Dr Coventry.

“People can delude themselves into thinking that the relationship is better than the one they have at home,” she says. “Others might start to blur the boundaries, and then hide behind the label ‘work spouse’ to make the circumstance seem safe when it’s not.”

A civil union

In an ideal world, you wouldn’t be the least bit attracted to your work spouse. But if you do find yourself tied up with a Jon Hamm look-alike, it’s important to watch for red flags that suggest you’re more into the relationship than you should be. (For example: you realise you’re keeping the situation, or details about it, a secret from your significant other, or you get a little too excited when he texts you outside of office hours.)

And while Dr Young says you should introduce your work spouse to your real partner if they’re at the same party or function, there’s no need to force a friendship if it doesn’t arise naturally. “A lot of people have a work spouse who’s nothing like the person they connect with at home, and that can be a large part of the appeal,” she says.

But maybe not for everyone. If your real partner can’t get past the idea of your business boyfriend and he points out behaviours that border on inappropriate, it may be time to get some breathing space from your office mate, or pull back a little. When talking to your work spouse about this, be honest and direct: “Tell him your partner feels threatened for this or that reason, and be specific so he knows you’re not just giving him the brush-off,” says Dr Young.

When you say you realise your partner may have a point, you’ll keep the onus off him and present yourselves as a united front. Then ease up, or even cut ties for a while – aside from the times when you actually need to, well, work together.