Yahoo Lifestyle Feeling like a mum to your partner?
Does your partner leave the difficult aspects of parenting up to you? Disappear when the going gets tough? Carry on as if life hasn’t changed? Stick to always being the ‘fun’ parent? If so, you may be one of the many mums who find that becoming a parent unexpectedly leaves them feeling like they have an extra child – an adult one! But just as you may feel you have to ‘mother’ your partner, he may also feel that you’re treating him just like his mother used to (and perhaps continues to). This can have consequences for other aspects of your relationship, including your sex life.
Even though we joke about it, parenthood does tend to push mothers faster and further into maturity than fathers – and it can take some time for dads to catch up. It’s an important issue to address, however, because it can lead to a dynamic where the more one parent overfunctions, the more the other underfunctions, leading to disappointment and resentment.
A delicate matter
Firstly, consider things from your partner’s point of view: unless he’s the one at home with bub most of the time, he simply hasn’t experienced the adjustments you’ve had to make and probably can’t even imagine them. Also think about his role model: his own father may have worked hard during the week and played on the weekend – this is his ‘normal’. Both of you will need to work together to create the new ‘normal’ for your own family. Also, many new dads can often feel anxious and incompetent in comparison to their partner.
Be prepared that the way you broach the issue will affect the outcome, for better or worse. It’s human nature to respond well to encouragement and support and negatively to perceived judgement, criticism and the feeling of being controlled. If all he hears is a list of his inadequacies, faults and failings
– all the ways he isn’t meeting your expectations, is letting you down or isn’t up to scratch – he may take even more of a backseat. So when you speak to him, do it in a supportive and respectful way. This will fuel his self-esteem and increase his motivation to work together as a team.
Time for teamwork
When it comes to speaking to your partner, be honest about your desire for an equal who can share the joys as well as the challenges of parenthood. Let him know it’s lonely for you to shoulder the burdens alone.
Also share your own struggles so he can be comfortable talking about his. Then you can work together to overcome them.
Step back where you can to give your partner room to step up, too. Many dads say that times they were involved, they felt negatively judged and that’s why they stepped down in the first place. In order for him to pick up the slack, you may have to let go of the reins for a little while.
Making changes
An initial heart-to-heart may have to be followed up as the need arises. Anticipate challenges and initiate conversations rather than sitting back and waiting for him to ‘fail’. For example, if you know there’s an appointment coming up that you’d like him to attend with you, let him know you would appreciate him being there ahead of time.
Focus your energy on what you do appreciate about him as a parent and his confidence will grow in the other areas, too. He might even surprise you!
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