Comparison Syndrome

If there's one thing women are good at, it is mental benchmarking – otherwise known as forensically checking the age of every female they encounter in real life, on Facebook or glancing through the newspaper – and then comparing where they are on the career/marriage/babies/looks/health ladder; specifically, where they are in relation to one another.
Sometimes the comparison is a source of optimism: "She had a baby at 42, there's hope for me yet." On other occasions it's a metaphorical pat on the back: "I'm glad I went back to work after having my children. She took so much time out – and there just aren't the jobs now."

Then there's benchmarking as a guilty pleasure (best saved for celebrities or frenemies: "She may have millions in the bank, a successful career, and be a year younger than me, but at least I have my own breasts and an understanding husband." But as much as benchmarking can be reinforcing, it can also be quite the mood-dampener, as in, "She's only 26 and has a book deal already."

So why do we do it? It could be down to what philosopher Alain de Botton calls "status anxiety", our modern craving for value and importance. Status anxiety is more acute for women because we put pressure on ourselves to achieve on so many more levels than before – with the added complications of our biological clock and increasing pressure to remain as dewy-skinned as a schoolgirl.
"The pressure women have put on themselves has grown in recent years," says psychologist Jane McCartney. "We have many more opportunities, but this has created an expectation to seize them all and do well in them all."

Psychologist Jacqui Marson believes that women place themselves on a perpetual age-vs-achievement graph "in a way that they didn’t 20 years ago". For Marson, it is down to our "advanced capitalist society. In order to make us purchase more, we need to be made to feel more and more lacking in something," she points out. "Women are particularly vulnerable to it. They internalise the pressure then pile it on themselves, while men, though they do get anxious about status, are more laid-back about life stages."

We spoke to three women around the same age who all admit to benchmarking their lives against others...

Zoe, 27, is a commercial manager for a large financial institution
"I think any woman who says she doesn't compare herself to other women is lying. Everyone does it, but I've come to realise that it doesn't always have to be a way to make yourself feel bad.
"When I was younger I used to compare my relationships to my girlfriends'. I always thought I'd be married by 27. When I was in a long-term relationship in my early 20s, I used to measure how we were progressing towards the altar compared to other couples we knew. Sometimes it would make me feel like what I had wasn't good enough. But as that relationship ended and time has gone on, I've realised that there's no point in comparing yourself like that. After all, everyone is different, and you need to concentrate on things in your life you can keep inside your realm of control. I don't believe you should try to force love, marriage and babies.
"But how well you're doing in areas of your life that you do have power over is another matter. And when it comes to fitness and my career, I'm constantly looking to other women to set a mental benchmark. I don't do it with my friends – we work in different industries, so there's no real comparison – but I do it with women I meet through work all the time. When I come across women in my industry who are in my age group, I immediately wonder two things: how old is she, and where is she in her career.
"The other week I was at a work function and met a woman who seemed to be a few years older than me, and had the kind of job I dream of. She was elegantly dressed, obviously very intelligent, she'd just done a half-marathon and lived in a terrace house in a cool inner-city suburb. She seemed to have it all. But instead of feeling jealous, I felt reassured and inspired. If she had done it, then I knew I could, too.

"There have been times when I've met women my age or younger who have achieved a huge amount and felt a bit disheartened. But I realise that they've probably sacrificed something to get to where they are. They might have done really well, but at what cost to other things in their life? You just never know."

Jess, 27, works in fashion and lifestyle public relations
"When my boyfriend shyly asked me to marry him over holiday cocktails last year, it was one of the happiest moments of my life. For the rest of the getaway, all we talked about was the future: when we'd get married, when we wanted children, the works. Suddenly it started to feel like I needed to work out what dreams to put first, and fast.
"I'm in a job I love and a profession I want to pursue to the top, but I want to have children and give them my all. I'm just not sure I can do both. I started wondering, 'can I have my own business and be on canteen duty with my kids?' Ever since then, I've spent a lot of time pondering all these questions. And I've been looking for the answers in the women around me.
"I'm one of five sisters, which has meant I've always had a scale to slot myself into when it comes to life achievements. They've all had children at different ages; some work and others don't. I look at their lives and try to measure out how happy each one is with their choices. I look at friends my age who have children and wonder, is that what I should be doing right now? Then I look at women in the PR industry who I admire, women who are only a few years older than me, but own their own agencies and have achieved so much, and I think that I'd like a piece of that in my five-year plan. Just to really stress myself out, I check out the women who are doing both and wonder how on earth they do it.
"Sometimes all those thoughts swirling around my mind makes me panicky, but other times it's reassuring to compare. When I visit friends who are staying home with their babies, a part of me figures it's what I should be doing, too. But then I think, actually, I don't want to give up a job that I find fulfilling just yet – and I'm not sure I could cope with getting up at 4am.
"I didn't always feel so positive about my career. When I was made redundant last year, I couldn't even be around people in the industry. I'd meet up with ex-colleagues on lunch breaks from my temping roles, but hearing about their successes made me feel like crap. I was terrified I wouldn't be able to find another job in the industry, and if I did, having that time out of the game would push back all my career goals.

"Now, when I’m measuring up my own ambitions with what other people have achieved, I always come back to that time. A year ago, I desperately wanted a job I loved. Who knows how I'll feel in a year, but I'm grateful to be really happy with where I'm at now."

Tracey, 30, is a digital imaging specialist
"Even though I'm really happy with my life, I can't help but compare what I have – or, more to the point, don't have – to other women. I'm 30, with two beautiful, healthy children, a great husband whom I love, and a mortgage – so far it's all going according to plan. But at this stage, I just wish I had more time and energy to enjoy them.
"When my husband was made redundant last year, just after the birth of our second child, he decided to retrain as a teacher and work part-time. It's a goal I'm so proud of, and I support him all the way. I've gone from part-time to full-time work, and our evenings are mostly taken up with his studies. I love my job, but even so, in an ideal world I'd like to work part-time to spend more time with my children. I find myself looking at women who have the freedom to book holidays on a whim and remembering that all I have to do this weekend is several loads of washing. On the flip side, I’ll see my friends with kids who either work part-time or not at all, and envy that lifestyle, too.
"Comparing myself to other women isn't a new thing for me. I remember at 18, on nights out, we'd all check each other out for who had the best outfit, who looked the hottest. Then, it was how my career was going, or how much spice I had in my marriage compared to my friends.
"Now, motherhood has thrown up a whole new set of things to think about. When I had my babies, I compared how quickly I lost weight compared to my sisters, my friends, the women in my mother's group, even celebrities. For every 'first' my son and daughter went through, I had 15 nieces and nephews to benchmark their progress against. Then again, I've learnt from other women around me; like the time I watched another mother singing to her children, and my kids sat there gaping at her. Now, I try to interact with them in new ways.
"I feel awful admitting it, but I sometimes catch myself in a 'poor me' mindset, and I have to tell myself to snap out of it. After all, for 30, I know I've got a lot and I'm proud of what I've achieved (although I'd never say that to friends). And for every time I think, 'I'd like her life', I always think, 'but she doesn't have my great job or my fantastic family'.
"While I'm sure comparing myself to other women is hardwired, where I stand compared to other women pales next to the bond my husband and I are building by going through this tough time. In fact, for all the moaning I do, I'm glad of it – because I think I'll finally start to appreciate the time we spend together as a family. Before, I felt like we should be always 'doing' something. Now, if I get the chance to just chill out with my little unit, I'm thrilled."