Yahoo Lifestyle This Woman Went Viral For Discussing The Social Habits Women Should Try To Unlearn, And I Couldn’t Agree More
Content warning: Discussions of sexual assault and rape.
In a time when sexual abusers and wildly unqualified individuals continue to hold power with little consequence, America's wealthiest tech bros call for more "masculine energy" in the workplace, and Trump's policies relentlessly strip away rights — from abortion access to the persecution of trans people — for many right now, especially women, it feels a little...bleak.
That is why when I came across this viral video by Arianna Kyanne (@ariannakyanne), a sociology student from California, on the socialization habits women should unlearn, I felt it more apt than ever.
"I'm a sociology major, so I'm often thinking about how we are socialized, especially as women specifically," Arianna began in her video. "It's made me a lot more cognizant of the things that I want to unlearn and things that I want to stop participating in so I can have a better life, essentially."
Of course, it'd be great if women didn't have to learn these things in the first place, but if we can take back some power in the meantime, I'm all for it.
With that in mind, here are all the habits Arianna shared that she's working to unlearn or change:
1. "Prioritizing other people before myself."
"I think that's something that, even as little girl[s], we're taught to start to do and placate people and their feelings and take on that ownership," Arianna said. "That's something that I really, really am working hard in therapy to unlearn because I feel like that's just not a sustainable way to live."
2. "Not apologizing for things excessively."
"I'm all for taking accountability, but I feel like it gets to a point where women apologize for things that we don't need to apologize for," Arianna shared. "Like things that are out of our control or things that we don't need to be sorry for."
"Like, when you start a video or something, you don't need to apologize for your appearance or things like that. You don't need to apologize for that; you don't owe the world prettiness."
In the comments, many people related to this sentiment, sharing that they often feel the need to wear makeup before leaving the house or otherwise apologize for their appearance. "genuinely the pandemic and masking helped unlearn the need to put on makeup and be pretty every day, a weird silver lining," one person wrote.
And, in general, women in the comments agreed that we all need to stop apologizing for our existence. "Not apologizing slaps. A simple 'excuse me' or 'can you explain that again please' type of interaction feels so much more grounding than an immediate assumption of guilt," one person wrote.
#3. "Downplaying your accomplishments."
"Fuck being humble. Let's dead that immediately," Arianna said. "You deserve to feel proud, and you deserve to boast about the things that you have accomplished, as long as you're not putting anybody down. Be proud of that shit. And don't say, 'Oh, I just did this, or I just did that.' No, you did that shit, and you're amazing for it. Let's be proud."
Arianna is right to work on unlearning this — research from Harvard Business School found a persistent "gender gap in self-promotion," where women tend to rate their performance less favorably than equally performing men when presenting themselves to potential employers. For example, despite outperforming men on average in the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery (ASVAB) test — a measure of mathematical and verbal reasoning — women still rated their own performance on average 25% lower than men did.
#4. "Being OK with taking up space, whether that is physically or verbally... and knowing that you're entitled to that."
"It's really liberating to realize that," Arianna continued. "You don't have to be in every room trying to make yourself as small as possible."
"I'm not saying to just go around being, like, so obnoxious, but there's just certain things that we obsess over that I don't think we need to. Like, you're allowed to take up space. People need to make room for you. Get the fuck out the way."
One commenter shared that once they began confidently "owning their space," they noticed people stepping aside more often — regardless of whether they felt they were "looking their best" that day. "It's honestly a bit of a confidence booster," they added.
#5. "Tolerating misogyny or disrespect in order to avoid confrontation."
Arianna explained, "I think, in general, women need to be more confrontational because we are socialized in a way where we're like, we're gonna make ourselves uncomfortable or not say things about things that are making us uncomfortable in order to keep the peace, in order to make everybody else feel comfortable. But you're making me uncomfortable, so we need to talk about this."
"The confrontation part is so real," one commenter wrote. "feeling like keeping quiet will protect the peace when really it's only keeping the abuser at peace and I stay troubled."
And lastly:
#6. "Being responsible for men or other people's emotions, and making excuses for bad behavior."
Drawing a parallel to Sabrina Carpenter's song, "Lie to Girls," in which she sings about how women can make a "shitshow look a whole lot like forever and ever," Arianna reflected on how women have become so desensitized to bad behavior that they not only tolerate it but have been socially conditioned to accept and navigate mistreatment.
Arianna explained, "Like, you don't need to lie to us because we will try to make things seem better than they actually are. And I feel like that starts from such a young age, because when boys are mean to us at school, they're like, 'Oh, it's because he likes you,' or 'Tommy just having a bad day,' or stuff like that."
"Like, we're taught from such a really, really young age to make excuses for bad behavior, be responsible for other people's feelings, and hold space for them in ways that they don't do for us. And I feel like that's a really, really important thing to unlearn as a woman, or the world will chew you up and spit you the fuck out."
Since sharing this video, hundreds of people have thanked Arianna for speaking about this. "so thoughtful and helpful, would love a part 2," one person wrote.
Others expressed a desire to start applying these mindset shifts in their own lives. One therapist noted that she frequently helps her clients work through many of these unlearning processes in therapy. "I'm a therapist and [this ends up being] so much of what I do with clients in therapy — unlearning how we're socialized as women," she wrote.
"I've gotten everything from women thanking me for speaking about this to men threatening to harm me because of it," Arianna told BuzzFeed since sharing her video on TikTok. "I don't think they realize that their immediate response being to threaten and degrade me only further proves that this is something that would be beneficial for a lot of women."
"I am truly horrified by everything I've seen in the past few years in terms of women's rights, the prevalence of violence against women, and how little is being done to protect women and girls," Arianna explained when asked what inspired her to make the video.
And now, given today's social and political climate, Arianna emphasized that this conversation is more important than ever. "We have so many people in power trying to bring us back to a time in which women had no choice but to depend on men for their livelihood," she told BuzzFeed. Arianna pointed to the global femicide epidemic, which has been rising continuously in the last two decades despite overall homicides falling. "Every single day, there is a story about a woman losing her life to violence committed by men."
The latest report by UN Women found that 60% of all female homicides are committed by an intimate partner or a family member. According to the data, 140 women and girls are killed every day by their partner or a close relative — equating to one woman or girl being murdered every 10 minutes.
Women in financially dependent or oppressive relationships, such as full-time unpaid caregivers, are at a higher risk of experiencing such violence. Thus, data suggests that prioritizing women’s financial independence is crucial to preventing violence and femicide.
Yet, as Arianna pointed out, many of those in power are actively working against this progress. For example, in the US, the language in Project 2025 promotes a Christian-fundamentalist framework that reinforces patriarchal gender roles, making financial mobility for women — particularly those from low-income backgrounds — virtually impossible and the risk of gender-based violence much more likely.
"We are seeing [thousands of] men in chats sharing stories about sexually abusing their wives, daughters, and sisters as well as how they got away with it," Arianna continued, pointing to a German investigation that found that as many as 70,000 men were participating in chat groups in which they shared how to rape and sexually assault women.
"People continue to ignore and enable the abuse of women and girls. It comes to a point where we have to consider what is really going to keep women safe if people in positions of power do very little when things happen to us," Arianna said. She explained that the social unlearnings she shared are "simply one measure that can keep women safer," adding, "Right now is such an important time to implement it, if possible."
"I've definitely had to have somewhat difficult conversations with the men in my life, but they know I stand firm on what I believe in, and if anything I have to say hits a nerve, that's for them to learn and grow from," she said since implementing these habits in her own life.
"I've also found such a profound appreciation for the women around me because unlearning aspects of patriarchal conditioning kind of opens you up to a deeper level of connection to other women as well as yourself. It's been very beautiful and healing for me."
"I just want women to know that they have options," Arianna continued. "The patriarchy tells us that our value is based on our proximity to men, whether we are partnered with them or they have chosen us to be the one to carry the majority of the mental load of parenthood for them. Your life can be beautiful, valuable, and safer without doing either of those things. We can chase big dreams and build beautiful lives for ourselves without them."
"I'm not saying wanting romantic love [with men] is abnormal or wrong. I'm just saying that we live in a world where careers and lives are still able to flourish when male violence against women has been committed. We live in a world where thousands of men will come to the defense of the man who abused, harassed, or killed you. We don't have systems in place that TRULY protect women and girls; they tend to just protect violent men. There are far too many stories to roll the dice on being the exception."
Someone in the comments echoed Arianna's sentiment, adding, "also revolving our entire life around love and wanting to find love," to the list of unlearnings.
Arianna's suggestion and that comment brought to my mind bell hooks's book All About Love, where the late author and feminist offered a new framework for love, pointing out that the love promoted under oppressive systems, such as capitalism and patriarchy, often fails to truly serve us. hooks also stressed that love isn't limited to romantic relationships; it can be deeply rooted in community and friendship.
Reflecting on the nuclear family, hooks wrote, "It gave absolute rule to the father, and secondary rule over children to the mother. By encouraging the segregation of nuclear families from the extended family, women were forced to become more dependent on an individual man, and children more dependent on an individual woman. It is this dependency that became, and is, the breeding ground for abuses of power."
If we can do anything, we can practice Arianna's unlearnings and lean on, lift up, and listen to the women in our lives. As Arianna pointed out, opening up with other women can be beautiful, healing, and perhaps the form of love we all desperately need right now.
What do you think? Do you have any other unlearnings to add to the list, too? Let us know in the comments.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, you can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673), which routes the caller to their nearest sexual assault service provider. You can also search for your local center here.
