‘I’ve Been a Behavior Psychologist for 10 Years, Here Are the 2 Best Tricks To Avoid Being ‘Socially Awkward'

For some, admitting something they did in a group setting made them an "awkward turtle" is a tongue-in-cheek way to handle a temporary social setback. Then, they move on. Others may chronically feel like an "awkward turtle" and internalize the idea that they're way too socially awkward. These cases aren't a laughing matter.

"When you feel awkward, you might get anxious or start to be concerned about what you are doing," says Dr. Catherine Nobile, Phy.D., a New York-based psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology.

While some people need more me-time than others to fill their cups, humans are social beings. Dr. Nobile says feeling socially awkward can prompt a person to isolate themselves and experience loneliness. However, you don't have to RSVP no to nearly every friend date or party (and white-knuckle through the ones you say yes to).

"By devising simple tools, these situations become easier to deal with as you learn to interpret social signals more effectively, speak more confidently and feel more confident over time," Dr. Nobile says. "Learning to cope with these feelings can also help you with the other side of awkwardness: feeling left out. This, in turn, can help you become more comfortable in social situations."

Dr. Nobile shares her two top tips for avoiding social awkwardness (and then throws in a few more for good measure).

Related: 'I've Been an Etiquette Expert for Almost 20 Years—Here's the #1 Phrase to End a Conversation Without Making It Awkward'

Why Do People Feel Socially Awkward?

People may feel socially awkward for various reasons. Dr. Nobile says three common ones are:

• Interpreting social cues, like tone of voice, incorrectly and not knowing how to respond

• Just plain not knowing what to say or how to keep the conversation going

• Saying the "wrong thing" that doesn't meet the moment

"All this can feel uncomfortable and awkward," Dr. Nobile says. "You might avoid parties and social situations because you dread being found out or fear making a fool of yourself. This can lead to isolation."

The good news is that you don't need to put yourself into the box and shut it, never to attend a happy hour again.

"Many people grow and build their social confidence over time and learn to navigate these difficulties," Dr. Nobile says. 

Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

A Behavioral Psychologist's Top 2 Ways To Avoid Being 'Socially Awkward'

1. Practice active listening

When you feel socially awkward, it's natural to start devising a response to something someone said as soon as it leaves their mouth and before they finish their thought. Dr. Nobile suggests taking a beat and listening actively.

"This involves giving your full attention to the other person and making verbal or nonverbal responses to show you are paying attention to them," Dr. Nobile says. "Giving your full attention to the other person reduces the likelihood of becoming nervous or missing important social cues."

Plot twist: Active listening does involve responding, just not with your complete thoughts on the matter (yet).

"Try looking at the other person when they are speaking to you, nod your head when they are saying or make sounds, like 'really,' 'wow' or 'I see,' to show that you are listening to them," Dr. Nobile shares.

Before saying what you'd like to say, you might take this one a step further by asking questions. 

"This helps build rapport and allows the conversation to flow more naturally," Dr. Nobile says.

You'll also gain clarity on their thoughts to ensure you read cues correctly.

Related: 15 Phrases to Politely End a Conversation, According to Psychologists

2. Have a few icebreakers in your back pocket

This one is especially good if you're not close with the people you'll be around, such as a networking event, large-scale company gathering or family reunion full of people you haven't seen in decades.

"Have a few topics or questions in mind to formulate a plan before you're in a situation where you don't know what to do or say," Dr. Nobile says. "When you know what you'll say or ask, you can stay on track and engage in the conversation better."

This one involves a little pre-gathering homework. 

"Think about a general topic, a question or something current," Dr. Nobile says.

Perhaps a beauty trend or cool project you're working on at your job. Hobbies or shared interests also make good small talk that could lead to something more profound.

Now?

"You have a plan and can go forward more confidently," Dr. Nobile says.

Related: 7 Phrases That Instantly Make You Sound Classy, According to Etiquette Experts

4 More Aways To Ditch Feeling Socially Awkward

1. Mind your body language

It's not just what you say but what your body indicates as you say it (or while listening).

"Positive body language, such as standing or sitting up straight, smiling, and making open gestures, helps you appear more friendly and attentive," Dr. Nobile says. "Specifically, practice sitting up straight and making friendly gestures when conversing with others, which helps to create a more comfortable interaction."

Related: Making New Friends as an Adult Isn’t Easy, but Luckily, We Have 102 Expert-Backed Ways To Do Just That

2. Ask open-ended questions

Dr. Nobile recommends asking questions that require more than a simple yes or no to keep the conversation going.

"For example, instead of saying, 'Do you like living in this city?' ask, 'What is your favorite thing about living in this city?'" Dr. Nobile suggests. "Or, instead of asking, 'Are you a fan of Pilates?' ask, 'How did you get interested in Pilates?'"

Related: 7 Phrases to Politely Interrupt Someone, According to a Therapist

3. Imitate the other person's style

Imitation isn't just the sincerest form of flattering—it's a way to build connection.

"Mimicking the other person's style, including gestures and speech style, will bring you closer together, and the talk will flow more easily and naturally," Dr. Nobile says. "Listen to [the person's] style of talking,...and reflect it in your response."

Related: 9 Surprising Things You Should Never, Ever Reveal About Yourself and Why, According to Psychologists

4. Practice small talk

Practice makes progress.

"Speaking about something mundane is a great way to build confidence in engaging in deeper conversation," Dr. Nobile says. "Topics such as the weather, a recent news item, weekend plans or the like are great conversation starters, and practicing this in non-threatening contexts with friends or family can increase your confidence in social settings."

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Sources

• Dr. Catherine Nobile, Phy.D., a New York-based psychologist and director of Nobile Psychology