Yahoo Lifestyle The Trendy Parenting Style Experts Say Is Key to Raising Independent Kids
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I've been worried about my daughter's independence ever since I saw her struggle to unlock a door with a key. She was in pre-K when the coronavirus pandemic shut down her school, and since then — with parents who either fully work from home (my husband) or on a hybrid schedule (me) — there's always been someone around for her. Someone who could unlock the door, open her tough bananas and generally just jump in whenever she needs a hand. I compare this with my own elementary school years, where I was a "latchkey" kid who was on my own to let myself in, start my homework (well, after DuckTales) and fix myself a snack if I needed one.
Since I noticed the key issue, I made my daughter in charge of unlocking the door, at least until I was confident she could do it on her own if she had to. But what else am I missing that might stand in the way of her self-sufficiency? My concerns led me to the idea of Panda Parenting, a trending parenting style that keeps autonomy front of mind.
The term was popularized by Esther Wojcicki in her book How to Raise Successful People: Simple Lessons for Radical Results. It's a lofty title for a book, but, then again, Wojcicki's proof is in the pudding: She's mom to Susan Wojcicki, one-time CEO of YouTube (now deceased), and Anne Wojcicki, founder of 23andMe.
Why pandas? "Pandas are famous for sleeping and eating, and not much else," Wojcicki writes. "They are called 'lazy,' which, of course, is silly, but that's the popular image. My parenting is not lazy, not hands-free. But I do believe strongly in independence. Parents should encourage their children to be independent and self-starting."
It sounded like exactly what I needed. But was this something new, or just a catchy name for good parenting? I dug deeper.
Panda Parenting Isn't as Low-Effort As It Seems
The way people describe it, with the adult pandas lolling around while the little ones run free on their own, you'd think that Panda Parenting would be another way to describe permissive parenting, where kids have no rules or boundaries. (Experts say this style actually does more harm than good). Thankfully, it's more involved than that.
As Wojcicki warns, it turns out Panda Parenting isn't as easy as just sitting around eating while the kids tend to themselves. "Rather than micromanaging every aspect of their child's life, Panda parents provide a supportive framework that allows children to make decisions, take risks and learn from their experiences," says Petal Modeste, parenting expert and host of Parenting for the Future podcast. "Panda Parenting offers warmth and support while encouraging exploration and independence. It’s a balance between guidance and freedom, helping kids develop self-confidence and resilience." Despite the panda mascot, that actually requires a lot of effort on the part of parents.
To do this, Wojcicki uses the acronym TRICK to keep her parenting principles in mind. It stands for Trust, Respect, Independence, Collaboration and Kindness. "The focus is on teaching children how to make thoughtful choices rather than imposing obedience through strict rules," Modest says. "Panda parents set clear, firm boundaries while allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions. If a child makes a poor decision, instead of immediate intervention or scolding, a Panda parent might ask, 'What do you think happened here?' or 'How do you want to handle this next time?'"
The good news is that this parenting style is more effective than the permissive parenting that the name evokes. "One of the biggest benefits of panda parenting is that it fosters independence and self-confidence in children," Modeste adds. "By allowing kids to navigate challenges on their own — while knowing they have a safe, supportive parent to turn to — they learn resilience and decision-making skills that will serve them for life. This approach also strengthens the parent-child bond because communication is built on trust and mutual respect rather than control. Children raised with this method often develop strong emotional intelligence, creativity and the ability to advocate for themselves."
So it's not just the key-turning or other skills I should focus on when I raise my pandemic-reared child. I should take a step back and make sure she knows how to approach a problem like a locked door, and where she can turn for help if she is truly stumped.
Panda Parenting Also Isn't New
The more I learned about Panda Parenting, though, the more familiar it sounded. Encouraging independence, problem-solving and resilience didn't originate with Wojcicki.
I was reminded of Lenore Skenazy, who coined the term "free-range parenting"after she wrote a column for the New York Sun about letting her 9-year-old take the subway home by himself. They went over the route together. They talked about what to do if he got lost. (She gave him quarters to call home if he needed to.) And then she let him go, without tailing him from a distance, and celebrated when he made it back on his own. Sounds like she hit every TRICK in the book. The column was written in 2008, more than 10 years before How to Raise Successful People.
Skenazy didn't really invent this type of parenting style on her own, either. "Authoritative parenting is a type of parenting researched since the '60s that involves a combination of warmth with limits, which Panda Parenting promotes," clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting. "As the author of a book on the subject, though, Panda Parenting essentially replicates autonomy-supportive principles of encouraging independence and a sense of responsibility, being supportive while setting limits, and balancing discipline with freedom."
In other words, Dr. Edlynn, says, "It seems to be a new branding for what we've known is the healthiest way to parent for a long time."
Call it free-range, authoritative, autonomy-supporting or anti-fragile parenting, the bottom line for me seems to be the same: Butt out. Open fewer bananas. Solve fewer problems, ask more questions. It's the same parenting advice I'd been receiving since before my daughter was even born, but I could always use another reminder to heed it. And if I do, it'll give my daughter the keys to open way more doors than the one that leads to our apartment.
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