Yahoo Lifestyle TikTokers are lip syncing to their shitty exes’ voice notes
What do you consider to be good break-up etiquette? Maybe you forcibly erase your ex from your thoughts and never speak to or about them again; maybe you always stay on good terms with them (how?!); or maybe you prefer to air their dirty laundry to anyone who’ll listen.
Well, if you’re into the latter, you’re not alone. Where once the only way to get back at an ex was to shit-talk them around town — or, if you were living in a 00s romcom, performatively throw their clothes out the window just as they happen to be pulling up outside — now you can humiliate them in front of millions of strangers online. And, as per a new trend, women on TikTok are taking full advantage of this, lip syncing to their shitty exes’ voice notes.
“You fucking idiot, you’re a fucking idiot, you’re really pissing me off now, okay?” one user mouths over her posh ex’s venomous message. “You’re a fucking idiot, you’re the biggest cunt I’ve ever known in my life. You answer me now, otherwise I’ll fucking carry on insulting you. Answer the fucking call!”
Most of the voice notes — all of which seem to be posted by women who were in relationships with men — are similar to this: aggressive, patronising, and even controlling. In another video, a user’s bitter-sounding ex sarcastically laments her moving on after their break-up. “Have you just moved on that quickly and went to some other boy, yeah? My bad for calling you ‘my girl’,” he says in the message, as his ex acts it out. “That’s really my bad for thinking that you’re my girl. If that’s my fault, I’m really sorry about that. You can go back to your man if you want.”
Some of the voice notes appear to give sitcom-esque fuckboy vibes. “Oh my fucking god,” spits one guy, as his ex lip syncs. “You really tryna do some dumbass shit like this, bro? Just because I followed her and liked every single one of her Instagram posts, doesn’t mean I want her. I was just trying to show my sign of friendship. Ever heard of friends?”
In our era of oversharing, where even the most private conversations are fair game for public consumption (including, controversially, strangers’ gossip), these fly-on-the-wall insights into people’s most intimate relationships are no longer surprising — but are they necessary?
This isn’t the first time something like this has taken off on TikTok. Back in 2019, women mocked their cheating ex-boyfriends by dancing to their pleading voicemails. In some cases, the women were shining a light on potentially abusive dynamics, with one user following up her dancing video with warnings for others in similar situations.
From this perspective, sharing these voice notes can actually be beneficial — both for the person posting them and for the women and girls who see them. “It’s a good thing that this stuff is becoming more talked about,” says sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett. “For so long, women have been disbelieved, or told to ‘suck it up’, ‘ignore it’, or to ‘be the better person’ by ‘rising above it’. So, exposing the very ugly things that can happen or get said is one of the only ways to get it taken seriously.”
Plus, by employing humour (many of the women over-exaggerate their expressions and gestures as they lip sync), the women disarm the power of the horrible voice note, mocking the aggressor and redefining and reclaiming a sad and intimidating memory. Turning these grim moments into content can also offer a distraction, of sorts, from the weight of them, particularly when, like with many of these videos, millions of people express their solidarity in the comments.
Commenters take the humour of the trend in their stride, too, making the voice notes even more farcical (which they are). “This is my favourite trend, men are so embarrassing,” reads one comment under one of these posts. “We got the same ex?” reads another. And a third: “How he mad at you for what he did?
This is why it can be especially cathartic to share this kind of thing with the internet, rather than just a few close friends. “Having strangers go, ‘I agree with you’ or ‘My ex did this to me too’, can help you realise that you’re not alone,” explains Rowett. “Sometimes that can be far more therapeutic than years of therapy. There can be a sense of healing, too, with people validating and [condemning the abuse].”
That’s not to say it’ll work like this for everyone. In fact, Rowett worries that, for some, joining in with these kinds of trends can keep you stuck in an angry, triggered state. “When you post stuff like that, you’re going to end up seeing more stuff like that, especially on TikTok, which is designed to keep you sucked into the app,” she says. “Continually engaging with this content could keep you in that same headspace, which can impact your mental health, as well as your future relationships.”
There’s also the question of who’s entitled to privacy online. You could argue that abusers, who usually work very hard to keep their abuse behind closed doors in order to maintain a ‘nice guy’ facade, have no right to privacy. And I’d agree. But there’s a difference between shitty behaviour and an abusive relationship — a nuance that often gets lost online. As ‘therapy-speak’ has become more prevalent, we’re increasingly quick to label things as ‘toxic’, ‘gaslighting’, ‘red flags’, or ‘textbook narcissistic behaviour’ — psychology terms that, when used incorrectly, can serve to diminish the seriousness of these behaviours.
“Social media makes complex topics very black and white, with everything being either toxic or a green flag,” says Rowett, “but most healthy relationships are a mix. As humans, we’re all capable of doing shitty things and behaving like arsehole to each other. I worry that we’re going to end up with someone saying a shitty thing when they’re angry, that getting shared online, and people saying, ‘That’s an abusive relationship’, [when it’s not].”
Besides, as Rowett says, it often “takes two to tango”. It’s much easier to share a contextless, one-sided conversation online than to admit that we might also be to blame in some way. Of course, nobody is ever to blame for being at the receiving end of abuse, but a shitty voice note or a frustrated exchange as part of a wider argument can, and does happen. “None of us are saints in relationships, but that’s not a bad thing,” she adds. “We shouldn’t idealise what counts as a healthy relationship all the time. Instead, we should learn to expect some flaws and find ways of repairing [relationships after arguments].”
What’s more, concludes Rowett: “Think about all the shitty, unhelpful things you’ve said to people in the past — whether that’s a relationship or a friendship. Would you want that taken out of context and blasted online?”
Though you could say: if you don’t want other people to hear it, don’t say it.
If you’re concerned you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, you can contact Women’s Aid in the UK on 0808 2000 247.
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