'Survivor 46' Finalist Ben Katzman Reveals Who He Would Have Voted for in a Tie Jury Vote

Ben Katzman

Survivor 46 is here! Every week, Parade.com's Mike Bloom will bring you interviews with the castaway most recently voted off of the island.

Ben Katzman declared, "Enter sand, man" as he stepped foot in Fiji after a rocky boat ride. His motto was to play in a way that didn't showcase his bravado musician persona, but the authentic, emotional, vulnerable self. To him, "Nothing Else Matters." Though Ben was far from a "Master of Puppets" in the game, he successfully was able to "Turn the Page" when seeing close allies go left him on the bottom. Just when his game was about to "Fade to Black," he found two close friends and allies in Charlie Davis and Kenzie Petty. It's those two that he sat proudly at the end with, after an incredibly impressive final Immunity Challenge win culminating two weeks without sleep. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to get Ben the win, in a story that's "Sad But True."

Ever since childhood, Ben had lived a life of insecurity, as his personality made him stick out like a sore thumb. But all that faded away as he entered the Siga tribe. His positive energy and entertainment made him the lead singer of the band of the green, the most vocal about a "good vibes" mentality. As such, Ben wasn't much to talk strategy, looking to keep morale up until they had to vote. But keeping that foot off the (guitar) pedal actually put him in the line of fire in his first couple of votes, as his competition viewed his likability as threatening. Fortunately, Ben skirted by unharmed. Unfortunately, it came at the cost of his Siga band members, most notably his number one Tim Spicer.

The B-side of Ben's Survivor 46 cassette was much more of a downer by comparison. It turned out his truest enemy in the game wasn't another castaway, but himself. Ben's brain was wracked with anxiety, giving him recurring night terrors. They mounted to the point of extreme fatigue, displayed when Ben committed a self-proclaimed "brain fart" and wrote down Kenzie's name, honestly blanking on who he was supposed to vote for. Ben hit his breaking point on the penultimate day, having slept only two hours the previous night. But he somehow wound up the most focused out of the Final Four, pulling out a surprise win in the last challenge. It still wasn't an easy day for Ben, as he languished picking between his two best friends to send into fire. The three all did make it forward to Day 26. And though Ben tried to play the song of his rise in the game, the jury unplugged his amp. His game, to them, did not rock.

The day after the finale, Ben talks with Parade.com about being ignored at the final Tribal Council by the jury, who he would have voted for if the jury vote had tied, and how he played the game sleeping for only two hours a night for two weeks straight.

Related: Read our Survivor 46 pre-game interview with Ben Katzman

What was your expectation of how the votes would go going into final Tribal Council? And how much did they deviate as the night went along?
Oh, I knew that ahead of time. I actually have my journal that I started at Pondy. I drew all the challenges. See, there's Jem cutting the machete with the Persistence challenge and the wheels. [Indicates drawing.] And I wrote every conversation I remember having. And the journal really starts that night we got back from Pondy. And I knew I wasn't gonna win. I mean, you saw the people we played that game with. But I just wanted a chance to be able to explain my game. I was proud of myself for not quitting. I was on the right side of the vote other than when Tim went home, because I'm not going to vote for my best friend. And then also the accidental Kenzie vote, which I'm sure I'm gonna talk about a million times today. But I just wanted a chance to say I didn't quit. I knew my power in the swing vote. I knew y'all perceived me as a goat. But it could have gone a million other ways. I just watched you all stab each other in the back. And I was able to play my part in that.

And I got robbed of that. Nobody asked me questions at Tribal. People said, "Time" when I was talking. And I mean, they were even laughing when I opened my mouth. And that was one of the hardest things about watching it back, too. Because then my gameplay wasn't shown. And it was like seeing Tribal be validated. I just expected, even if I was on the jury, you got to give people some grace. I think you see it well enough when we lost challenges on Siga. When Maria couldn't get the ring up, I was there for her. I didn't pin it against her. It wasn't like, "We gotta get her out because we lost." I knew people were struggling to have their time. But Survivor's such a unique experience. And now we're all playing for a million dollars. But I think that's what really crushed me. And when I was dazed in the after show, [I'm] like, "I can't believe I'm sitting around a bunch of people I outlasted. And they couldn't even let me tell my story."

And I will say this, I don't know if it was shown. But Q did ask me a question and did give me props on Tribal. And there were a lot of times I would say certain things, and a certain person would call me a liar and go back and forth, and things would erupt. And Q actually was like, "Ben did do that. I can corroborate that." And for somebody that I had a very bizarre time with out there.

I was about to say, Q of all people!
Yeah, 'cause also our whole dynamic wasn't even shown. Q and I were working together. So, when I was being super nasty to him, I told him before Tribal. I was like, "If I'm not a dick to you, nobody's gonna buy the smoke screen." And I said it in my pregame press. I wanted a Face/Off level blindside. And that was Castor Troy and Sean Archer. You know what I mean? And even when he went home, I was wearing a "Q-Skirt." The one day I was super chill with Q was the day he went home. I wish they could have put that in. But But me and Q are good off the island, I'm just saying!

You talk about a face-off. I'd be remiss not to talk about what would have happened if the jury vote tied. You went back and forth so much the day before about putting Charlie or Kenzie into fire, considering how close you were with both of them. Do you know who you would have voted for if it came to that?
Again, it's hard. I think people are gonna say I sound like a dick because of what they saw on TV. But Charlie was just as much there for me as Kenzie. Kenzie did hold my hand by the fire. And we were really close out there. But you know who else did? Liz, Venus, Charlie. But Charlie was my day one. And you even see it before we get to the merge. That's when my physicality was starting to get rough. And he went and got water for me. We did play together. It's not shown at all. The best times were when could talk strategy, because nobody knew how close Charlie and I were except Kenzie and Liz, were those times in the middle of the night when everyone was sleeping and I needed to go for a walk.

We would do the rundown. "This is what this is saying. This is what that person is saying." And I just think Charlie's such a diplomatic person. Never lost his cool. And you see on camera how people say he isn't smart enough, even though he's joining the Secret Six to work his way up. He still found his way to every power dynamic in that Secret Six and outlasted them. And he won so many challenges. And he did it with a heart of gold. I'm a passionate fan of rock. But, I think Charlie's Metallica isn't Taylor Swift; I think it's Survivor. He has such a love and respect for the game. And I thought he did it so masterfully. Every time he won, I would cry. I cried a lot. [Laughs.] It's like watching your student going straight on stage. They're doing what they love, and they can't believe they're on that stage. I'm not saying Charlie was my student. I mean, I teach guitar to little kids. To see them wait so hard for that moment to perform, and then they crush it, he was glowing. And I was proud of him. And we're still besties to this day. All the Siga boys.

We need to talk about your mental state for the second half of the game, as you were plagued with panic attacks, night terrors, and insomnia. Talk to me a bit more about what was going on, and how you tried to play this cutthroat game with that weighing so heavily.
It was crazy. Because I didn't have panic attacks when I was awake. I was so excited to be there. I was like, "We're on Survivor!" I know my position in the game. I know I have a pulse. I'm on the right side of the votes. I've got some friends we're working it. But when the sun would start going down, I would have such a physical reaction. And part of it, I think, is we were sleeping in the dirt, I can never be comfortable. Whereas on Siga, we could sleep on the sand. And it was really a lot of the elements too, as well as the chaos. But towards the end of the game, I didn't eat from the merge feast to the pizza reward. And Liz had just gotten rice maybe the day before. And we had no fruit at the merge beach; on Siga we had papayas everywhere. So I think my body was really eating itself alive.

And I said it on the show. I can rationalize what's happening to me. But I'm having such a physical reaction. And I've never felt so off balance in my entire life. And one thing I wish they showed more, is when I did wake up in the middle of the night, and I was hanging with Charlie and Liz and Kenzie, I would always crack a joke, I had that Ozzy Osbourne line where everybody would look at me like, "[Gasps suddenly.] Crazy, but that's how it goes." And we're all bust out laughing. There was a lot of humor and humility in what I was going through. And I really tried not to make it a burden on anybody. Because for Kenzie and Charlie and Liz to take care of me while they're playing their game, that's a burden. It's why those two sat up at the Final Three. I think I got the Final Three not because of just that Immunity Challenge. My gameplay wasn't shown.

But like, to me, and it goes back to that question from earlier, what was I thinking? I just wanted the two people who looked out for me to have a chance. And that's why I sat there. I was able to take it, but it did hurt when I couldn't even get a line or two in about what I was doing. So it was a lot. I felt dazed. It felt crazy. And even walking down the beach or going to the challenges took a lot out of me. But then it's like Jeff is there. It's kind of like in Walk Hard, in the beginning of the movie, where [someone's] like, "What's he doing?" And Tim Meadows goes, "He's thinking about his whole life right now." That was me before every challenge. I would just try and be like, "I want my students to see I don't quit. I want to make my family proud. I want my friends to know I'm suffering, but I'm still rocking. I want to know that I can keep going." And yeah, I stumbled through a lot. But I slept maybe 90 minutes, two hours a day. And that's 15-minute increments. It's not all at once. So it really was a lot. So even though I didn't win or anything, I had it stacked against me.

And I do want to say the other thing about the jury not asking me questions. Most of them never asked how I was doing out there or checked in on me. Even at Ponderosa, when I got back, nobody wanted to talk about the game with me. I was just like, "What did I do to y'all?" Q is very nice. I know it's portrayed one way, but he did write me a letter when I got to Pondy. There were people that could put the game aside. But I had a real rough time there. And having to come back and process it, and most of the jury doesn't want to talk to you or ask you what you did because they perceived whatever, it was a lot. I feel like I had to play multiple ways, and then to have none of my gameplay be shown, it just kind of brought some of that, "Well, what am I doing here?" But that last immunity, at least I'm glad they showed that one. 

Well let me give you a chance here to shed some light on your game. What is the one piece that you wish we got to see from your time on the season?
There's a lot. I'm probably going to talk about that Q smokescreen a lot and that blindside. But above any of that, and I think this is how I would define the season, was you get to the merge, and there's all these people playing super hard only amongst themselves. Nobody talked to me for two days because Q and Maria told people I had an idol, which I didn't have, obviously. I was at the bottom. I had Liz from the journey. I knew how people perceived Liz. I loved Liz. I had Charlie from day one. And Kenzie and I just clicked. And I remember coming up to them. I was like, "I've got an alliance name. Let me know how you all feel that this will be: The Gathering of the Goats." And we worked together for quite some time. 

I felt like the season was this big jock energy. And just like high school, all the nerds got overlooked. And I couldn't believe that even at eight or seven, all these people nobody took us seriously. Me, Liz, Venus, were still sitting there, still have votes that were controlling the outcome. And these people were still only playing amongst themselves. That's why I'm so baffled that at Final Six, Q and Maria couldn't see all the people they never talked gameplay with. How could they not realize we were all hanging out the whole time? You don't think we were talking? And I feel like that's the thing I'm proudest of. And maybe that's not a game move. But we read the room. And I can safely say, to quote Liz, "the vibe had spoken." [Laughs.] So I don't think it was a coincidence that we were the Final Four, even though it might look that way.

Finally, you talked throughout the finale about learning to be your own hype man and support yourself. I know you obviously didn't get that validation from the jury. But were you able to bring that internal sense of self off the island?
Yeah, I mean, nobody could take away that I did sit there, regardless of how it's perceived. I think if people don't want to ask you a question, you can read the room and know that it might not have anything to even do with it being you. But going home, I didn't even think about the game. I was just like, "I survived the insanity that my body went through." And I made friends and I never complained on the level that some people would. I always had a smile on in the challenges. I was always happy to be sitting with Charlie and Liz and Kenzie. And, to quote somebody else, "I can do hard things!" While people called me a liar and a cheat and a snake for whatever God knows reason, I got home and I was proud of myself. And that's what I've been telling my students. You never know. Yeah, you might not win a million. But the journey is just as important. Now I know I could survive a six-month tour on $3 at Taco Bell. [Laughs.]

Next, check out our interview with Survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis.