Yahoo Lifestyle The Subtle Sign Your Adult Child Is a Narcissist, According to Psychologists
Narcissism is a hot-button topic right now. You may have heard social media users talking about their ex, coworker or boss, for example, having narcissistic traits. Maybe they dated a person who shifted blame at the end of the relationship or worked with someone manipulative, just to name a couple of scenarios.
Narcissism can be a mental illness—as in narcissistic personality disorder, or NPD—or someone can just have some of the traits. Either way, dealing with the person can be difficult. When narcissists engage in mind games such as playing the victim, gaslighting and love-bombing, the person on the other end can easily feel used and confused.
Related: 10 Red Flags There’s a Narcissist in Your Family, According to Therapists
Under-discussed, however, is what narcissism looks like in an adult child. As the parent, handling this situation can be especially tricky (as parent and adult child relationships often are). At what point is their behavior causing big enough problems that saying something is warranted? How can you word it the right way? The signs aren’t always obvious, either, so even getting to that step where you’re addressing the concern with your adult child may take some time.
To help parents know what to look for and how to navigate this conversation, psychologists share need-to-know information.
Related: 13 Red Flags of Gaslighting at Work and How to Respond, According to Psychologists
Your Adult Child May Be a Narcissist if They Display This Subtle Sign
Narcissists are all about receiving attention and praise, which leads us to possibly the biggest indicator. “One of the main signs that an adult child is a narcissist could be a sense of self-importance,” says Dr. Scott Lyons, PhD, holistic psychologist, educator and author of Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others.
Other than not backing down during arguments or being unwilling to see themselves as in the wrong, this can look like them “struggling to take responsibility or apologize to you, others in your family or their friends” or being “in constant need of attention,” according to Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of What I Wish I Knew: Surviving and Thriving After an Abusive Relationship.
You may have noticed these behaviors in your adult child when they were an actual child—and that’s exactly the difference here. “By time they reach adulthood, these egocentric behaviors are usually improved upon,” Dr. Kelley explains, “and in order to function effectively in society, most people can take responsibility for things they do and can share the spotlight.”
But as with any condition, several symptoms compose a true case. Below, these psychologists share other subtle signs of narcissism.
5 Other Subtle Signs of Narcissism
1. Superiority with peers
People with narcissism tend to see themselves as above others, and they aren’t afraid to bulldoze over people to show that.
“NPD adult children tend to believe they are better than their peers, and will go to lengths to preserve this belief, even if it means disregarding the feelings of others,” Dr. Kelley says.
Their actions may seem contradictory, she continues, like when they harm others to gain attention from them. Dr. Kelley believes this scenario is especially likely in abusive relationships with a partner or their parents.
2. Lack of empathy
Empathy, or the ability to share someone’s feelings, is what helps us connect and relate to each other. Narcissists don’t have it, though, because “doing so means cutting down their own ego and taking responsibility for their actions which they struggle greatly with,” Dr. Kelley explains, adding, “If they do apologize, it commonly seems disingenuous.”
In turn, this can negatively affect their relationships, which we’ll get to in a bit.
Related: 35 Simple, Sincere Phrases To Express Empathy, According to Therapists
3. Entitlement
Does your adult child hold resentment toward people who don’t give them all the attention? This is another sign.
“While these traits can be common in all of us to an extent—especially if we feel the pressure to perform or be perfect—these individuals will become aggressive if they do not receive a promotion, lose out on a potential love interest, or are not continuing to receive financial support from their parents even when it is far past the due date,” Dr. Kelley clarifies. The latter might look like asking for a lot of money for an extravagant wedding or home purchase, despite having plenty of income, she says.
4. Inability to take accountability
As mentioned, adults with narcissism may refuse to accept they hurt someone’s feelings or caused a problem. They won’t listen to anyone’s opinion suggesting otherwise because they “hold a strong belief that only their perception is the accurate one,” Dr. Lyons says.
5. Great difficulty forming open and vulnerable relationships because of their actions
All the behaviors mentioned earlier can hurt the narcissistic person’s relationship with their family, friends and coworkers. “Subtle narcissists may try to exploit those around them and have little concern for other people’s overall feelings and well-being; they rarely, if at all, view a situation from multiple perspectives,” Dr. Lyons says. Their relationships are much shallower, if existent at all. I mean, it’s hard to be friends with someone who treats you this poorly.
Related: 10 Traits of a Narcissistic Mindset, According to Psychologists
What To Do if You Notice Those Signs in Your Adult Child
Dr. Kelley validates that coming to terms with seeing these NPD traits in your child can be difficult. Hopefully, steps like the following will help.
Don’t ignore it
You may be tempted to turn the other way or just say your child is difficult, but Dr. Kelley believes this is unhelpful. At the same time, she says, they're responsible for themselves.
“It is a serious matter and as an adult, they should be taking responsibility for their own treatment and continued healing,” she says. “It is no one else’s responsibility to make them change, but if your child is showing NPD traits, you have the right to set boundaries and disengage from the relationship if that is the safest choice.”
Don’t lead with criticism
Shaming tactics don’t work—and this is especially true for people with NPD, according to Dr. Kelley. You can share how their words and actions affect you, she continues, but remember it may not go well. This leads to her next point…
Related: 8 Phrases That Signal a Person Is Feeling Shame, According to Mental Health Pros
“Hope for the best, expect the worst”
Sharing concerns or frustrations with a narcissist may elicit a defensive or stubborn response. You can still share, of course, but Dr. Kelley believes it’s “best done without expectation that they will change, and rather just in order to express yourself and have your truth be known.”
Along those lines, you may never see eye to eye with the person, and unfortunately, that may just be one of those things you have to accept. “This can be incredibly difficult, but is crucial when it comes to setting emotional boundaries with someone who has NPD traits,” Dr. Kelley says.
Further, she urges being careful or mindful of what you share with them, since they may react in an abusive or dismissive way.
Related: 14 Phrases To Use With Your Adult Children When You're Both Getting Triggered
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries are a topic discussed quite often, but for good reason! “Make sure you’re taking care of your own mental health and well-being so that you can be the best version of yourself,” Dr. Lyons urges.
The #1 way to set boundaries with a narcissist is by asserting yourself clearly and repeatedly. This is sometimes called the “broken record technique” in dialectical behavioral therapy.
Don’t take it personally
Hearing cruel criticisms about you as a person or parent can be upsetting, especially when it comes from your child. It’s okay to validate those feelings! At the same time, Dr. Lyons urges you to try to not take it personally or give the person a reaction: “While the narcissistic person may be trying to hurt you emotionally, try to stay calm.”
Related: 9 Outdated Relationship Dynamics Family Therapists Are Begging Parents To Stop Doing With Their Adult Kids
Get professional support
As usual, working with a mental health provider may be your best bet, especially since every person and set of circumstances differ. “[A licensed professional] can work with you personally on how to handle the situation and/or work directly with someone who is exhibiting these behaviors,” Dr. Lyons says.
Dr. Kelley specifically recommends group and family work that will help them gain insight into their behavior and hold them accountable. “If they only engage in individual counseling, they may not have accountability to their actions as many with NPD can be very charming and skew the details of what they are experiencing, even with some of the most experienced therapists,” she says. Psychology Today has a database of therapists, support groups, psychiatrists and treatment centers you can filter through.
Another resource Dr. Kelley mentions is a podcast episode that she and another doctor co-hosted. In the episode “Judith Smith on Mothering Difficult Children,” the two talk to the author of Difficult: Mothering Challenging Adult Children through Conflict and Change about similar topics. It could help you work through any shame or stress you might be experiencing.
Hopefully, through these examples of resources, you see you’re not alone in this struggle.
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Sources
Dr. Scott Lyons, PhD, holistic psychologist, educator and author
Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author
Why Shaming Doesn’t Work, Psychology Today
