The Shocking ‘Real Housewives of Salt Lake City’ Finale Deserves an Emmy

Receipts, proof, timelines, and screenshots were nice, but what happens next?

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is Bravo’s perennial underdog, a show that knows full-well the second it slips, vipers are waiting to take it out. So, it’s my pleasure to report that Season 5 has stuck the landing in flawless form, delivering a wonderful finale that caps the best season of Housewives since… Well, maybe it’s the best season ever. It’s just that good.

It was a risky endeavor ending the season on a four-episode cast trip, just like the season before. It’s impossible not to compare this finale to last year’s grand event, which was maybe the most shocking episode to air on reality TV. After all, reality isn’t a scripted soap opera, and you can’t follow up the plane crash finale with a hospital-wide power outage, so to speak.

That’s why it’s so great that no one tries to up that ante. Heather Gay, the best producerial Housewife of our time, flips the entire script on its head, giving us a fake-out finale before proving exactly how smart she—and the whole show—really is. If you’re looking for the vindication of Monica, sadly, you’re stuck out of luck. RHOSLC’s tank is full, and it’s driving into its future.

Sorry to obsess, but this show is just so good! The editing alone is top-notch, prestige television. Whoever decided to make Britani’s text tone a clown honk is an amazing human being.

And I love a Heather Gay monologue. The opening is a beautiful full-circle moment to the season’s cold open, one that makes the solemn case: If RHOSLC can’t win an Emmy, do awards even matter?

It all begins with the lunch of eight Lisas, a surprise event that leaves Baby Gorgeous utterly speechless. Maybe the most shocking part is that Mary dons a wig and fully plays along. This is not the Mary who wouldn’t even leave the sprinter van in Palm Springs. She’s hilled.

Well, it really begins with Meredith wearing an eye mask as an eye patch, a real PTSD reminder of Heather’s black eye. Luckily, Jen Shah didn’t escape from prison and give her a beat down, though. She just scratched her cornea. Or so we think…

Meredith rallies just in time for the lunch of eight Lisas, proving Salt Lake City’s most charitable Housewife will never turn down a good cause. Whitney, on the other hand, utilizes the moment to poke, prod, and produce her very own finale moment. Look, Whitney’s been sidelined since Milwaukee and can feel her snowflake starting to melt.

Ms. Rose rolls up with tags still on her outfit, slamming Lisa as fake, self-absorbed, and bad at “diving into connection and fillings.” Obviously, that doesn’t land well. Lisa is so pissed that she dares Whitney to find proof of all her tomfoolery, before threatening to sue her and take her new house.

Thankfully, the beautiful Britani Bateman chimes in, always the voice of reason. “Lisa, I haven’t even known you that long and you’ve been like the most loyal person. Like, to me. Whitney, that makes no sense.”

That doesn’t move the needle much, if at all, given everyone hates Britani. It’s so sad to see the women act with venom in the face of the kindest, most sincere person to ever grace our TV’s. Poor Britani is ultimately doomed to be misunderstood in our time, just as many of the greats were.

We then rush through some day-time activities in an all-out sprint to the finale dinner. This is the cost we pay for Bravo deeming RHOSLC would only have 16 episodes this season, but hey. The more time spent at this dinner, the better.

It’s a true melee, featuring the first fight of the season between Mary and Angie. That, along with last week’s extremely rare Heather vs. Meredith debacle, means we’ve had a turn with just about every sparring pair possible. Funnily enough, one of the only duos we didn’t see squabble this year is Heather and Lisa. Imagine hearing that during Season 1.

Mary’s anger at Angie consoling Britani reveals something the show has hinted at all season, but never outright explored: She’s human. The Mary of Seasons 1, 2, and most certainly 4, was depicted as entirely emotionless, a vessel of hilarity and absurdity who hates hospital smell.

For her to open up to the point where she’s crying over Angie abandoning her is such a necessary character note, and it’s incredibly sincere. Part of the reason Mary was a weaker link on the original cast is she clearly felt little connection to those women. Now that she’s truly invested in her friendship with Angie, there are stakes.

Angie thawed her heart, and she’s thawed America’s hearts too. We will succumb to Greek rule, as long as each of us get a tacky pair of oversized sunnies as a stipend. I’d also like spanakopita.

That’s nice and all, but Meredith wants to focus on the important stuff. Whitney’s been skating all season on the rumor that Lisa supposedly contacted a blogger to spread vicious lies about Whitney dropshipping from Alibaba. Honestly, I’ve been wanting to circle back to that, too.

Apparently, the blogger in question—who isn’t named yayyy—has given Meredith some brand-new information that throws Whitney right under the bus. That’s what the Wild Rose gets for colluding with a YouTuber.

Whitney’s a master of deflection, though, and jumps right to the next thing. So what if I conspired with a YouTuber when Lisa sent tea to Reality Von Tease? And how does Whitney know this? Well, she reached out to Monica Garcia herself.

That goes down like a lead balloon, and rightfully so. It’s great TV. It’s a dramatic reveal. And it’s super exciting—but it’s also proof positive Monica need not return. She does her best work as an off-screen jester for the outcasts of the group to find solace in, and nothing more. You have to respect the balance.

Heather understands this, diving into yet another monologue.

“We made fun of Monica for having a burn book, and we all have our own burn books. But our burn books aren’t like a curated f---ing copy of Mean Girls. They’re in our phones. And none of us, none of us are without fault. We’ve all said horrible, hurtful things about each other when we should’ve been honoring and celebrating and keeping this space sacred and private.”

Gobbled. No crumbs. NBCUniversal better give her a development deal, because I want to watch a Heather Gay original series. I have no doubt she could deliver the next Big Little Lies.

Next, Heather gives the ladies a great game to play: Let’s all find the worst text we’ve ever written about someone at this table, and have them read it.

It’s kind of the best game the Housewives have ever played, and that’s coming from someone who says “Let’s play a game: Who here do you trust the least?” at least once a week.

Mary’s text about Heather is utterly shocking. She’s a wordsmith, too, it turns out! I feel the Mary and Heather dynamic is often unexplored, yet wholly interesting in its nuances. We get little moments that show the two have lost trust in the other, yet have some deep down respect, and this moment is a great refresher.

Heather has flourished more than any other in the five seasons of RHOSLC. She is the quintessential breakout star who has to contend with what happens when you’re no longer the underdog, a fate that once doomed Bethenny Frankel and Nene Leakes before.

Having traded in the Mormon church for the Bravo altar, Heather’s on a fascinating journey. It’s part of why she’s such a great Housewife, black eye, Jen Shah sycopanthy, and all.

And it’s even greater to follow this moment with Britani’s text about Mary.

“I would like to invite Bronwyn over tomorrow for tea, instead of Mary.”

Well. That’s raw. Britani doesn’t have a mean bone in her body, sorry! Unlike the #saltlakecitymeangirls, Britani is a kind soul with nothing but love to give. She completed her hilling journey eons ago.

Naturally, the game starts to go off the rails around the time when Bronwyn finds out Angie said Todd has “one foot in the grave and one on a banana peel.” Angie’s text about Bronwyn is actually so vicious that it gets me excited about a prospective feud between the two. Angie is way meaner than she leads on. Opa!

Heather’s jab about Whitney’s Wild Rose products not selling at all doesn’t help, but the real nail in the coffin comes from Whitney’s text about Lisa. Who knew that a text claiming to have met a woman who made out with Lisa and j---ed off John wouldn’t go over well?

Game’s over. Lisa immediately flips a switch, turning away from Whitney and toward Angie, the recipient of the text. Lisa delivers the brutal blow that she heard Shawn “does circle j---s,” causing a fatal fallout between the former besties that cements the reason they’re on opposite ends of Andy Cohen at the reunion.

Realizing she’s had nary a moment in the finale, Bronwyn uses this time to deliver some confessional about how repulsive Lisa is, which would land way better had she not just posted months of texts showing her sucking up to Lisa after filming ended. Regroup and come back with a new feud next year, Bronwyn. It’s tired.

But what is an episode of RHOSLC without a cringe confessional from Bronwyn? At some point, even she became charming to me. Somewhat.

This is an all-star cast of professionals who understand that, to be good reality stars, you have to bare it all on screen, without fear of what the fans will think. The reason their fights leave an impact is they’re real. I believe that if the cameras went away today, these women would continue being friends and fighting in some form.

The reunion could be three episodes of dead air and it wouldn’t take away from what a roaring success this season has been. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has officially cemented its legacy. Everything else is just a cherry on top.