‘RHOSLC’: This Hot Mess of a Real Housewife Is Actually the Biggest Star

Not all queens are crowned. Some, unfortunately, aren’t recognized until long after they’re gone.

Britani Bateman entered The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City with a melted snowflake, a boyfriend who constantly embarasses her, and heat-fried hair. Pummeled at every turn, Britani has perfected the art of masochism, eagerly and excitedly showing up to each filming event with the gleam of Mormon perfection.

After rudely being kept backstage for the first two parts, Britani arrives at Reunion Part 3 ready to prove exactly why she should be a mainstay on this show. But first, she has to race to find a new dress given she showed up in Angie K.’s exact fit. If you ask me, it would’ve been a lot funnier to have her walk on stage in that dress to Angie’s surprise. But I digress.

Immediately, the ladies are ready to light Britani up—Bronwyn in particular. The shorter her hair, the shorter her patience, clearly.

Apparently, Jared Osmond doesn’t just go around DM-ing Mary Cosby. He also sends thinly veiled threats to Bronwyn for insinuating he has a micropenis.

“Honestly Bronwyn, what the f---ing hell is your f---ing problem? Are you f---ing kidding me coming out on national television making fun of my anatomy you little b----? Do you even understand the backlash I’m getting on social media? I guarantee I’m twice the size of any man you’ve ever been with. I am disgusted by what a low-vibrational human you are to disparage me like that all for the sake of trying to earn your spot on a show.”

People love to write a mean text about Bronwyn, evidently.

Britani understands the bad optics of all of this, but she can’t be held responsible for what Jared says. They aren’t together anymore! This is currently true, actually, according to Jared’s comments on a X Spaces with the Mary Cosby fan page, although they did get back together at least once more post-reunion filming. Who’s to say they won’t fall back into each other’s arms once again?

Britani doesn’t care to discuss all this Jared stuff, anyway. She’d rather talk about how Bronwyn and her flying monkeys are the reason she was estranged from her daughters. If this makes no sense to you, either, that’s okay. None of this segment makes a lick of sense in context. But it’s all good fun, and that’s all that really matters.

It’s a good giggle to imagine Bronwyn going behind-the-scenes destroying Britani’s family with her gaggle of Twitter gays.

Next, Britani’s “double life” as an active Mormon who has premarital sex and drinks is put under careful examination. I understand that it can be confusing to be a Mormon who disregards all the rules, but consider this: Some bishops let it slide if their parishioners are cool. Having Britani Bateman in your temple is worth bending the rules.

And finally, the conversation turns to Puerto Vallarta, a place where some women whoop it up while others record their friends secretly, throw up all night (allegedly), and read vicious texts to each other in the name of burying it all.

Here, Britani lets her understudy, Lisa, take center stage. She is so kind. After somewhat burying her beef with Angie, Lisa once again does a little song and dance with Bronwyn, who would love nothing more than to bury Lisa alive.

It’s nothing we haven’t seen before, as Bronwyn relitigates the “you were never a good friend” thing while Lisa questions “were you ever a good friend?” And like, the answer is no. Neither of you are good friends. If Bronwyn were truly a good friend to anyone, she wouldn’t have worn a dress so big that Whitney keeps falling off the couch.

There’s a certain camp to Bronwyn shoving herself into every reunion moment—from proudly offering vocab lessons to constantly chiming into Lisa’s feuds.

When attention finally turns to Whitney vs. Lisa, Bronwyn inserts herself at every corner, to the point where Whitney gets off the couch and away from her just to have a moment. Bronwyn’s absolutely at her most endearing when she’s on the nerves of everyone around her. She’s just such a funny hall monitor.

As for Whitney vs. Lisa, well, that gets buried just below the surface… if that. It’s kind of refreshing having a feud that doesn’t get buttoned up in a neat little bow, given we know they’ll be at each other’s throats next season, anyway.

This is sandwiched between another Britani pummeling, as Meredith screams in her face that she’s a liar who lies a lot. Britani’s the best kind of liar, too: the bad kind. She’s so half-hearted in her stories, as showcased by the way she shrugs off the recording allegations with new, transparent excuses every other minute.

Britani is a theater kid at heart, storyboarding her embarrassment for the greater good of the viewing public. Move over Pamela Anderson, she is the last showgirl.

I mean, there’s a certain comfort to the biggest scandal of the season being Britani recording the women. They’ll never be able to top the Jen Shah stakes and the Monica Garcia psychological thriller, so why not have the big bad be a sheep in wolf’s clothing?

It’s interesting when the reunion actually touches on both former villains, too. Andy brings up Meredith’s recent phone call with Jen, to which Whitney asks, “How is that any worse than me talking to Monica?”

“I didn’t seek Jen out to dig dirt on my friends,” Meredith deadpans. Valid.

This leads to an enlightening discussion about how the cast sees its former big bads, one that hammers home the power of this golden age of RHOSLC. We wouldn’t be here without Jen or Monica, most certainly, but we’re in a better space than the show’s ever been before.

The cast dynamic of today wouldn’t have been possible a few years ago, and definitely wouldn’t have happened had Monica remained on the show. It goes to show the importance of maintaining an ensemble without giving lopsided treatment, lest the show end up in the terrain of The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

As in-the-gutter as the drama gets, RHOSLC has never lost its lust for life. It’s a show that radiates joy from all ends, even in its most disturbing moments. It’s proof that reality TV doesn’t have to fit into boring binaries in the social media age. That, if you’re willing to bare it all, you can create something truly amazing.

So it’s only fitting the reunion ends with the finale game flipped on its head, as the women say something positive about each other. This leads to backhanded compliments like “I haven’t seen it, but you can be a good friend,” but hey. That’s high praise compared to the one foot in the grave, one on a banana peel text.

It’s a great, feel-good ending because it’s actually earned. These women have gone as low as can be, but they always come back. That’s why we love them.

Even better is Britani standing just off-stage, desperate to come back so she can receive her first-ever compliment. It’s quite fitting she ends the season in this jester role, after a year of true hazing.

If you want some nice stuff said about you, Britani, come read my recaps. This is a safe space for all of Britani nation.

With that, it’s time to sign off after a pitch-perfect season. Fingers crossed this entire cast returns—with Britani holding a snowflake. Until then, welcome to the Après-Salt Lake City. I guess we all have to get a hobby, now.