Yahoo Lifestyle "I Knew Something Had To Change": 13 Adults Are Recalling The Horrible Reasons Why They Had To Stop Talking To Their Parents For Good
Note: The below article discusses emotional abuse.
Having a secure relationship with a parent can be life-changing for a child; however, sometimes, the relationship can change over time for a myriad of reasons. So when Reddit user u/youngGod928 asked: "Adult children who are estranged from their parents, what were the early signs that your relationship was deteriorating?" a lot of people provided their vulnerable stories. Here's what they had to say:
1."I had a notebook counting down the days until I was 18. I started it at about 13. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment, but I knew from a very young age I wanted to go far away and never look back. I moved out at 16 and haven’t looked back in 17 years. Wow, I didn’t realize until typing this that I’ve lived longer outside of that toxicity than in it. What a relief."
"Are you me?! I also moved out at 16. The final nail in the coffin for me was when I got into a car accident that totaled my friend's car (he was driving). No one was hurt, but I had school the next day and was stranded in a very dangerous part of the city. My mom told me that she wasn’t going to come get me because my brother had made her pick him up too many times in the past, and I needed to figure it out for myself. Like, what?"
2."Realizing the distance between us wasn't just physical but emotional, too. They'd call every once in a while, and I dreaded it. The phone rings, and my heart sinks. It was never about catching up; it was always about some complaint or another way I had let them down. One day, it hit me — every call left me feeling drained and guilty for not being the 'perfect' child they wanted. I started screening calls, texts went unanswered, and visits became annual formalities. The peace in choosing my mental well-being over trying to meet their impossible expectations was the turning point. You can't choose your family, but you can choose not to let their chaos become your norm."
3."The day I decided to attend a military academy for university, the rules there were less strict than those of my parents. They could only contact me by mail and could not hold their money over my head. I was free — and still am."
4."I invited a dear friend to a family vacation, and my stepdad blew up/escalated to the point where she was shaking with anxiety and fear because she hadn’t seen a man behave that way. As we were leaving, there were neighbors standing on their porch, nodding at us, saying, 'Esta bien?' And I knew something had to change. It wasn’t going to be my parents, so it had to be me. I had to stop showing up to take it. I had to stop putting myself and certainly anyone I love in their destructive path."
5."When they don’t see you as an adult, and they still see you as the controllable child. You’re an adult doing adult things in every other sphere of your life. The lack of respect and caring for you as an adult wears on you. If they have a personality disorder, you have to tiptoe around, which accelerates this process. Three major turning points were:"
1. Constant belittling of my kids. None of us were good enough—critical comparisons to others. My kids' accomplishments were mocked. But if another of their grandkids did the same thing, the heavens opened, and light showed down on them with praise from heaven.
For example, two of my kids had national merit scholarships to a top 10 school for their degree. Got them invited to the Governor’s mansion for a luncheon with the other 20 in the state. My niece gets the National Honor Society, and they send presents to her. They ignored my kids. All were Duke TIP scholars, and 10 years later, a nephew earned that. He’s praised. There’s something about them doing it to you, but once they do it to your kids, you can't let them. We had already limited contact. Now, both of those adult kids are doing well. They have chosen not to have relationships with that set of grandparents.
2. Pitting my siblings against one another. Either praising one or devaluing one to me. I shut it down, but they continued with the others. I’ve become the evil one in their story.
3. How they speak about me when I’m not there. I’ve heard from their friends some pretty awful things they’ve said. It started when I was very little. As a teen, though, they told people I was on drugs, sleeping around, etc. I suspect they did it for sympathy, 'I have it so hard with Fritos.' I get married and move away. Run into a family friend four years later and hear how it’s so great 'you turned your life around.' What? That’s when I heard what I supposedly was doing. I wasn’t using drugs. I wasn’t sleeping around back then. The last time I spoke with that parent, and they were accusing me of some morally reprehensible behaviors, I told them that if that’s what they believed of me, they should want nothing to do with me.
I’ve been low contact for 20 years — and now no contact for five. It’s a very painful decision to choose this. It’s seen as one day, I just turned off the switch to them, where in reality, it was 20-plus years of begging them to be more mature and be an adult in our relationship. If they had made changes, we’d not be estranged. The decision was not made lightly. I no longer have migraines, and my health has improved significantly."
6."Reflecting on every forced apology after conflicts where I wasn't wrong but had to bear the blame, I realize the pattern of one-sided accountability was a red flag. The absence of mutual respect and apologies made me feel perpetually undervalued and dismissed — a dynamic that only grew more apparent over time. It taught me to value genuine communication and emotional honesty in relationships, something I didn't experience growing up. It takes courage to break the cycle, but recognizing these early signs can save years of heartache. Now, I'm focused on building a foundation of trust and respect with my own family, something I learned the hard way was missing in my upbringing."
—u/RoseRowan1
7."When he told me his new wife didn't like me, and he did not want to get divorced again, so we wouldn't be seeing each other much anymore. I was 14 — and his only child. We spoke maybe a dozen times for the next 30 years. He divorced again. Outlived his next wife. He died alone. I took care of his affairs, his only child, and all that. I felt nothing. I still don't, four years later. I have three sons. They all talk to me, even the grown ones. We get together once a month for dinner and games. It's always a great time."
8."When I was growing up, I was the youngest of four children; my family never really seemed to make any effort for me. But I was always gaslit into thinking it was because my requests and needs were frivolous. I was pretty independent, so I was left to use my own devices. My older siblings constantly needed support and help. The moment I moved out for college, I tried to call and keep in touch, and it felt like I was doing all the work. I only lived two hours away, but they came to visit twice in four years, yet they expected us to show up for every holiday and kids' birthday party for my nieces/nephews."
"Six years later, I realized all of the effort was coming from me. So, I stopped trying to extend the olive branch. My family never once reached out; they didn't want to go to my graduation, and they didn't want to come to my wedding. They didn't care even a little bit. I wasn't wild; I was the black sheep that always had been.
A few years of therapy and self-reflection made me realize that I was neglected significantly as a child, and I developed hyperindependence because my needs weren't ever met. I was regularly food insecure; I was educationally neglected, I was isolated socially, I was told I had no life prospects, and I thought too much of myself. My childhood was abusive, and my family never really loved me. They just wanted to own me.
We don't talk anymore; I do talk to my nieces and nephews because I want them to have social support and not get trapped in the small town they live in. I started a secret college fund for my nieces and nephews because I want them to have an escape should they desire it. I had to fight so hard to succeed in life despite everyone telling me I was worthless."
9."In my 40s. My dad died three years ago. Before his death, he was the only reason I was in the same room with my mother. 10 years ago, she drove over to my house one night, and she tried to call me to repentance for leaving culty Mormonism. When I got divorced from my ex-wife, her first words were, 'How could you do this to me?' I didn’t speak to her at all for almost two years. After my dad died, I tried to be the best son again. I called her often, etc. but her not allowing me to give the eulogy as the eldest child in the family and having my younger Mormon brother do it hurt a ton. My dad was my best friend."
10."The lack of interest and care from my mum. When I was quite young, 11 or younger, she would always spend time with me, take an interest in my hobbies, take me to after-school activities, and play Xbox with me. As she became neglectful and abusive, the opposite became true. She never talked to me about my hobbies or no shared activities whatsoever. I remember one or two times ONLY from my teenage years, and that was being taught to make stir fry and watching a few episodes of The Walking Dead one night. She also never had a nice word to say about my school or social life, just criticism, disappointment, and disinterest after a while."
"This came to a head when I was jumped on my way to school and beaten to the floor and 'saved' by a woman I didn't even know. When I got to school, and my mum came to collect me, I was told it was 'my fault,' and she was more interested in punishing me for having access to a computer that I shouldn't have as I was grounded. Not a kind word, a hug, or making me food to feel better. Just a silent car ride home."
—u/proudgoose
11."I always knew my mom was a bit of a pathological liar. She liked having her stories, especially when it meant entertaining people. Then I found out she was lying to me about what she was doing with my son when she was watching him. Going to the park meant watching cartoons all day. Ate some pasta and apple sauce meant having ice cream and cookies. She even gave him caffeinated soda at the age of two. I found out from my aunt, who lives with her, what was actually going on. When I confronted her, she was like, 'This is what grandmas do.' For the record, we didn't ask her to watch him. We had other sources of childcare. She would ask to spend time with her grandson but then get easily frustrated when he would fuss. I would tell her to call me if it got too much, and I would pick him up, but she wouldn't. Even though she wasn't doing any serious harm, I can't let anyone have alone time with my kid if they're dishonest with me."
12."When I hit high school and started getting half-baked opinions on the state of the world, I would bring them home and share them with my parents. My undiagnosed autistic ass was in the habit of telling them what I’d learned at school. My dad was suddenly very impatient with me and would make me argue with him on these points when I’d only heard them that day. I was just a kid, and he was a barrister, and he’d grill me for ages, making me fight him toe to toe like I was grown and educated and bar-admitted. I was scared to tell him anything after a few rounds of that. My parents took that as secrecy, and they began searching my bag and my room."
"I haven’t had a diary since, and I’m 40. All my notebooks of fiction were hauled by me to the shredders and paid out of my allowance in case they read too far into that. They found cigarettes from time to time, which I used to cope with being bullied (I decided to smoke with my bullies to make them like me. It worked, but I only managed to quit last year). And they would ground me for weeks at a time when it was the only 'bad' thing I did.
Dad’s harassment continued. My mother ignored it and focused on my brother. I speak to them. They’re coming to my second wedding next month. But we’re not close. When they get too intrusive, they get firm blowback. Neither of them is welcome in my home."
13."I got my first night shift job while I still lived with them, and part of that is a new sleep schedule. Plain and simple. I just wasn't at their beck and call like they'd been accustomed to. They slowly started pushing me away. I lost count of how many times there would be a fun family outing being planned. I would ask when they were planning to leave so I could plan my sleep accordingly, but I would get told, 'Oh, we don't know' and wake up to either an empty house or them coming back saying they 'didn't know when I'd be awake so we just went.' By the time I left, they'd cut me out to the point I was literally just a combination tenant/lawn mower to them."
–u/kbyyru
If you're estranged from your parents, and you feel comfortable doing so, tell us why and what happened in the comments below.
Note: Responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
