Jessica Rowe: "My Struggle with Depression"

Having a mother with bipolar disorder is challenging, to put it mildly.

My beautiful mum has been hospitalised many times over the years and, as the eldest of three daughters, I felt a lot of responsibility to remain positive for everyone when times got tough—even though I was often feeling completely helpless.

From a young age, I was aware of the stigma of mental illness and the fact people didn’t talk about it openly like other conditions, such as cancer or heart disease. But it was through my own experiences with postnatal depression after the births of my much longed-for daughters Allegra, 6, and Giselle, 3, that I truly realised how deep the stigma runs in Australia—and how important it was for someone to speak out.

I first experienced postnatal depression after Allegra was born. My husband Peter and I had conceived her through IVF and because of this I was convinced I should be happy. At my very core, I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t tell a soul.

I vividly remember going to mother’s group a few weeks after giving birth and feeling alone and isolated, but I just wasn’t able to voice those thoughts. At the heart of things, I didn’t want anyone to know I was depressed.

Looking back, it’s obvious I’d put way too much pressure on myself to be perfect. But there’s no such thing. Part of me hoped the feelings would go away, but deep down I knew they wouldn’t. That’s why I eventually confessed to Mum, who thanks to her own struggles was supportive, understanding and offered to assist me in getting the help I needed.

One in five Australians suffer from depression at some point in their lives but, despite how common it is, telling Peter how low I’d been feeling was one of the hardest conversations of my life.

I remember taking a deep breath and saying, “I’m really, really struggling. I think I have postnatal depression and I don’t know what to do.” He was such a darling—he took me in his arms and told me everything would be alright.

I knew I had a long way to go, but even just telling him took some of the weight off my shoulders. It was hard, though, and many people aren’t able to talk about their true feelings—they’re worried they’ll be judged, or told they’re imagining their depression.

The next day, I saw my obstetrician who organised for me to see a psychiatrist. I put on a nice dress and make-up to give the impression I had it together. But my psychiatrist saw straight through me and told me I didn’t have to pretend anymore. Those words began my healing process.

I saw her weekly and she put me on anti-depressants, which I’m still on. After a few weeks I started feeling like me again—not quite 100%, but better. These days, I continue to be mindful and respectful of what I’ve been through. I stay positive, look for the fun in things and aim to be happy because I want to lead a good life.

Lifting weights with my trainer of 20 years once a week is a great outlet—the endorphin release is so good for my head! Although I no longer need to see my psychiatrist regularly, I still check in with her every now and then. I also enjoy pushing myself out of my comfort zone, whether it’s singing lessons or a writing course.

My dream is that one day mental health issues will be given the same attention and understanding as physical ailments. It will be wonderful when people finally feel comfortable enough to open up, share when they’re struggling and ask for help—just like anyone with cancer, diabetes or heart disease would.

Organisations like beyondblue are a great starting point, but so many people don’t speak out. It breaks my heart because it’s so out of whack with how prevalent it is within our community. The moment there’s more understanding and awareness, people will be more comfortable seeking treatment, so they can get back to their normal routines and enjoy more productive, meaningful lives.

For now, I will continue speaking up for those who aren’t able to speak for themselves—and hopefully this important message will continue to spread.

Jessica Rowe is a newsreader, author, ambassador for beyondblue, and mental health ambassador for Prevention's National Prevention Week, an ongoing campaign promoting preventive health.

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