Yahoo Lifestyle People Who Grew up With a Narcissistic Parent Usually Develop These 15 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
The concept that adults go to therapy to complain about their parents messing them up is a tale as old as time. And yet? It's valid.
"The foundation of who we are is laid when we are young," says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., a licensed child and parenting psychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center. "Our attachment style and interactions with our primary caregivers model how we view and interact with the world around us."
No one is perfect, and Dr. Biller notes that even parents with the best intentions can do things that could negatively affect a child long-term. Growing up with a parent with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be incredibly challenging as a child and an adult, whether the caregiver means well or not. Understanding how your formative years shaped your most recent ones is a step toward healing.
"If we understand the effects of a narcissistic parent on a person in adulthood, we can increase awareness of qualities or traits that are harming our self-esteem and our relationships," says Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor.
Psychologists unpack common traits of people who grew up with a narcissistic parent and tips for healing.
Related: The 2 Most Obvious Signs of an Unhealthy Parent-Adult-Child Relationship
What Is a Narcissistic Parent's Behavior Like?
While (mis)used colloquially on social media and in everyday conversations, NPD exists on a spectrum.
"A misconception around a narcissistic individual is that they are grandiose and perceive themself to be better than others," Dr. Biller says. "While some narcissistic individuals do perceive themselves to be better than others, narcissistic features present differently."
Dr. Biller says some narcissistic caregivers engage in attention-seeking behaviors, such as at school functions or within a family.
"As such, the needs of the child of the narcissistic, attention-seeking caregiver are misunderstood or not seen by the caregiver," Dr. Biller says.
It leaves children to their own devices to learn to regulate emotions and form healthy relationships. It's a steep hill to climb.
Related: People Who Were Told They Were 'Too Sensitive' as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
15 Traits of People Who Grew up With a Narcissistic Parent, According to Psychologists
1. Perfectionistic tendencies
Narcissistic children often grow up believing they are "not good enough." As a result, they hop on a hamster wheel and chase something impossible for anyone to achieve.
"As adults, children who grew up with narcissistic parents may strive for perfection in their lives," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
Related: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists
2. People-pleasing
Narcissistic parents keep themselves as the focus, often exerting control over everything so it goes precisely how they want it to, explains Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist with Thriveworks. As a result, these children can grow up believing that "perfection" involves "making everyone else happy," even at their own expense.
"Because the child is motivated to please the parent with narcissism to help keep peace, people-pleasing is reinforced," Dr. Smith says. "It can be difficult to break that habit as one grows up, especially if the child does not have others in their life who help them see they do not always have to be pleasing for things to be OK."
3. Co-dependent in relationships
This one goes hand in hand with people-pleasing.
"To experience love or acceptance as a child, the child must meet the needs of the caregiver," Dr. Biller says. "As such, their feeling of acceptance remains, and often continues to remain dependent on the other person with whom they are in a relationship, be it their caregiver or romantic partner."
Related: 7 Signs of a Codependent Relationship, a Therapist Explains
4. Constant need for external approval and validation
Pride can come from within, but people raised by a narcissist may seek constant approval from others. Dr. Biller says these people can also lack the confidence to make decisions without polling numerous people.
"The foundation for seeking external approval is derived in a history in which their accomplishments were not experienced as their own but in some way related to the efforts and influence of the narcissistic caregiver," Dr. Biller says.
5. Entitlement
While the need for external validation is understandable when a person grows up with a narcissist, it can also drift into entitlement and affect adult relationships.
"This person feels entitled to praise whether they have talent, aptitude or skill developed from hard work," says Dr. Brian Tierney, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist known as The Somatic Doctor.
Importantly, this behavior is often part of a quest for something they needed decades ago.
"They...have not really learned who they are or how to ask vulnerably for the true nourishment they never received from their narcissistic parents," Dr. Tierney says.
6. Image focused
Narcissists are hyper-focused on image.
"It does not matter what is happening as much as what is perceived as happening," Dr. Smith says.
Parents may normalize this trait, which Dr. Smith says can come at the expense of an adult child feeling comfortable showing their true colors.
7. Low self-esteem
Dr. Lira de la Rosa says gaslighting and invalidating a child's experiences and emotions is commonplace with narcissistic parents, leading to feelings of inadequacy.
"Over time, this translates into low self-esteem," he says.
8. Haughtiness
This one can feel like the opposite of low self-esteem but may be a person's attempt at donning a shield of armor after a lifetime with a narcissistic parent.
"Because narcissistic parents lack the ability to be right-sized in terms of being human, they convey to the child that they are more special than everybody because they are a golden child who must hide, repress and deny their common human misgivings," Dr. Tierney says.
9. Difficulty setting boundaries
Narcissists struggle with respecting boundaries, so an adult raised by one may not feel confident setting them.
"Learning when and how to set boundaries with a variety of people and in a variety of situations is something a person has to be taught, which is not a lesson the child of a parent with narcissism is going to get from that particular parent," Dr. Smith says.
Related: 35 of the Best Phrases for Setting Boundaries
10. Overly competitive
If a person seems to treat everything as a must-win game, from mini-golf to getting in line at the grocery store, they may have previously lost out on an emotionally stable childhood.
"The competitive nature comes from the individual's desire to be seen and recognized," Dr. Biller says. "They crave attention, inclusion and acceptance."
11. Attention-seeking
People raised by narcissistic caregivers may constantly seek attention—and may seek out specific partners.
"This trait requires that they are with partners who are able to manage the attention-seeking behavior or meet the needs of their partner," Dr. Biller says. "The need for attention has been modeled by the caregiver and also results from the individual not experiencing an unconditional emotional place during their upbringing."
12. Discomfort with compliments
It's like rain on your wedding day.
"Ironically, while competitive and attention seeking, individuals raised by narcissistic caregivers report feeling uncomfortable when they receive accolades from others," Dr. Biller says.
This trait stems from the constant, unsuccessful quest for parental praise and acceptance as a child.
Related: The Subtle Sign Your Adult Child Is a Narcissist, According to Psychologists
13. Challenges with emotions
Childhood is an important period for emotional development and management, but Dr. Lira de la Rosa says they need a responsive caregiver who provides comfort, love and support.
"Children of narcissistic parents do not receive this type of support and are left feeling the intensity of their emotions without any guidance," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says. "As adults, they may be scared of their emotions and find they do not have healthy ways of processing their feelings."
14. Shame-spiraling pros
Narcissistic parents may lean into shaming and guilting their children.
"This means that adults may constantly find themselves feeling guilty and ashamed of themselves," Dr. Lira de la Rosa says.
15. Victim mindset
A parent with narcissism role models playing the victim, Dr. Smith says. In other words, everyone else is wrong and they're being wronged. A child may grow into an adult who mimics this learned behavior.
"The child may end up carrying on the woe is me approach and struggle to see how they may contribute to problems experienced," Dr. Smith says.
More Psychologist Insight on Narcissism:
How To Heal From a Childhood With a Narcissistic Parent
1. Raise a flag
Awareness is critical for healing, Dr. Smith says.
"Knowing that something is off or could be better can lead to the first step of learning more, and then you can identify what is and is not working," Dr. Smith says.
2. Learn about yourself
The curiosity that led you to admit something is off? Keep it with you as you take the next step.
"Find ways to create a solid sense of self and know you are worthy and valid even if you are not satisfying to someone," Dr. Smith says. "Learn about yourself, such as what you actually like and dislike, since you likely did not have sufficient space for that exploration and potential differentiation from your parent’s likes and dislikes."
Related: 35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists
3. Set boundaries
"Allow yourself to communicate and adhere to appropriate boundaries without so much distress or guilt," Dr. Smith says.
The learning curve can be steep, but it's a mountain worth climbing.
"We must remind the inner child that remains present within all of us that we are permitted to have our own desires and that we are OK, even when disappointing ourselves or others," Dr. Biller says.
4. Have hope
It's not too late to work on yourself and heal from childhood.
"It is crucial for people to know that, just because one has or had a parent with narcissism, does not mean they are destined for any specific outcome themselves," Dr. Smith says. "One great and hopefully relieving piece of information is that with conditioning and learning, we can be reconditioned and learn new information and skills. This can also help us separate and understand what is not healthy or helpful."
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Sources
Brett Biller, Psy.D., a licensed child and parenting psychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center
Dr. Ernesto Lira de la Rosa, Ph.D., a psychologist and Hope for Depression Research Foundation media advisor
Dr. Brandy Smith, Ph.D., a licensed Psychologist with Thriveworks
Dr. Brian Tierney, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist known as The Somatic Doctor
