Yahoo Lifestyle Marriage Counselors Are Exposing Huge "Warnings" You Need To Look Out For In A Partner, And Holy Crap
We asked the dating professionals in BuzzFeed Community which "red flags" people should look out for during the first six months of dating. And some of their responses were eye-opening, here's what they said:
Note: Some submissions are from this Reddit thread because they were too good to ignore.
1."Love bombing. If someone tells you they love you after the 1st or 2nd date...run for the hills."
2."An inability to handle rejection of any kind. Sometimes, for better or worse, the answer is 'no', and how people respond to this tells you so much about them."
"I've seen awful cases of this in both men and women. No, I won't sleep with you. No, I won't be your boyfriend. No, I won't give you money, No, I won't take you out. No, I won't meet you at X time in y place. No, I'm not interested. All totally acceptable answers to questions and situations."
3."Watch someone's drinking habits from the beginning to see if they are compatible with your lifestyle. Someone who has five or six drinks on the first date will likely have far more once they are comfortable with you. Also, all of their friends will likely have the same habits. If binge drinking isn't your vibe, watch for this red flag right off the bat."
—40, Michigan
4."Inability to regulate emotions. If your partner can’t regulate their own emotions, they don’t have the tools to do so. Unfortunately, so many of us are raised without those skills, and if you’re considering having a family, it can continue the cycle with children. Finding someone who can identify what their own thoughts and emotions are, and they can regulate emotions so they can listen to another person and respond rather than react is key. I’m a therapist, and I’m guilty of marrying someone (now my ex) that was unable to communicate when he was dis-regulated, and it often ended in feeling scared/invalidated/intense anxiety and eventually PTSD. There are a lot of specific skills that can be taught to help people feel their emotions effectively, without harming others."
5."Scarce Communication. If they communicate with you a lot up front and then are really busy and do not respond to texts in a timely manner or at all, it's time to move on."
—Noelia, 42, Oregon
6."Pay attention to how the relationship started. If your S.O. cheated on their previous S.O. with you, they will cheat on you as well. It may not be right away; it may even be years down the line, but they will do it again. I'm not just talking cheating in the physical way. I'm talking emotionally as well. Many of my clients have had this issue, and from what I have seen, the only ones who stop cheating are the ones who finally seek help to figure out what the underlying reason is that makes them cheat. Of course, there are always exceptions, but they are very few and far between."
7."Dishonesty/Lying. Big or small. Some people exaggerate to make their lives seem more exciting than they are. But if they are consistently lying, run the other way."
—Noelia, 42, Oregon
8."Those who are 'trauma survivors' but have not done any therapy to address their issues."
"Or anyone who is unusually 'emotional' — especially if the emotion is anger —again, and they have done no therapy."
—68, Pacific North West
9."Flight from confrontation and unwillingness to discuss problems and compromise solutions where and when needed."
10."How much contempt do they hold for the world? Contempt is what kills a relationship, and I really do think that some people enjoy expressing it. If you are dating someone who holds a grudge, who has to have the last word, who must one-up everyone else; they will no doubt eventually do the same to you."
11."Beware of overly controlling partners, controlling your phone, bank account, who you hang out with, etc. Also, beware of partners that play the victim."
12."If you express concern about something that deeply troubles you and repeatedly get the dismissive response of 'You're overthinking it. Stop overthinking, etc.' Signals that they are unable to confront uncomfortable topics and would rather feel comfortable than listen to your concerns."
13."No social life. I'm afraid that leads to me being their social life, and them resenting the fact that you don't reciprocate when you go out with friends, or go to visit family, or do something without them. No, you're not invited to any place that I go to."
14."If they talk shit about everyone, they're talking shit about you too. If the person directs toxic behavior toward most other people they interact with, you're going to catch some of it, too, especially after the relationship has aged a bit."
15."Someone who worries too much about what others think of them...to the point of stress. Also, apathy...to a degree. Not giving a shit can be a good thing, but it can also bite you in the ass."
16."Frequent mentions of a former partner (in my personal experience) tend to indicate that they haven't really gotten over that relationship. It's one thing to say, "My ex cheated on me," but quite another to say, "My ex was a lying whore." Using vitriolic language about someone who they used to love, regardless of what terrible things happened in that relationship, once again tends to suggest that the relationship is still on their mind."
17."Avoid people who will only talk about themselves. If they don't have the time to listen to you, you should not make the time to listen to them. One-sided relationships never work."
Some responses have been edited for length/clarity.
Marriage counselors, what other red flags should people be looking out for during the first few months of dating? Tell us in the comments.
