The Secret Sex Diary Of A Married Couple

Monday

7am Jeff
Wake up hard. Very crass, I know, but I’d have sex every morning if I could. BC (Before Children), we started the day this way. We’d have sex every day, at least once, but that feels like a very long time ago. These days it’s more than likely to be a little person or both little people dominating the bed rather than me dominating Nik. I’m only 31. Fatherhood hasn’t diminished my libido; I can’t just put it on the backburner. Now I suffice with a cheeky morning wank in the shower while the family is having breakfast. I’ve learnt to be super quick as I’m paranoid that someone will walk in. Later, when I’m shaving, Nik comes in and uses the toilet – it has become such an ingrained thing she does. I’ve never said anything, but it really turns me off.

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7.45am Nikki
After three weeks on holiday and Jeff living in boardies and thongs, seeing him in his smart business suit this morning, his tanned face against his fitted white shirt, fills me with desire. There’s something manly about him going off to work that turns me on. He gets hotter with age, but I’m not sure if I do. I worry about my post-children body – stretch marks, sagging breasts, how tight my vagina is after birthing my babies. As I’m getting breakfast and Jeff kisses me goodbye, I feel his hand in the small of my back and he pulls me close, but it’s a peck as usual. When did we stop using tongues? I nuzzle his neck; he smells so good. It’s the Christmas cologne I bought. I spent hours choosing it. It’s as much for me as him.

3pm Nikki
Our three-year-old boy threw a rock at our four-year-old daughter’s
head. She’s in shock but OK. Now I’ve got two kids crying hysterically and I’ve lost it. I call Jeff for moral support. He gives me two minutes between meetings. Pissed. Off. Forget. Sex. Tonight. Love.

9pm Jeff
I’m nervous about recording my sexual thoughts. Will this be held against me forever? Nik promises not. Favourite sexual images of the day: woman biting the tip of her pinkie finger as she reads on the tram; non-erect nipples through a white singlet on a small-breasted girl with no bra waiting in line as I grab lunch in a cafe. I’m totally committed, but I must admit that I still look. We all look. Tonight, replaying these images in my head fuels my imagination. Now I’m horny, but I know sex is dependent on how long it will take to get our youngest to sleep. Sixty per cent of the time Nik falls asleep in his bed. Oedipus complex much? Not tonight, though. We hit the sack together and flick on the television. Cuddling up makes me feel horny, but she doesn’t have the energy. Feeling her breasts is enough to get me off.

11pm Nikki
Our three year old hates going to bed. He doesn’t go down until late tonight. It’s been a very long day. School holidays are a libido killer. I’m so focused on the needs of my kids that my own sexual needs are forgotten. I’m hornier when I’m studying as I get time alone to be a woman, not just a mother. At uni, I’m in a grown-up world where there are different dynamics, plus there’s plenty of eye candy to flirt with. I’ve been defined as a MILF, so I’m told. Is it wrong to love that moniker? Hop into bed, smell a faint trace of Jeff’s aftershave mixed with his natural scent. It’s sexual, but also somehow more comforting. We watch TV and curl up. I feel his erection against my back. I compromise by touching him as he masturbates. He wants to reciprocate, but I’m just too tired. He squeezes my breasts and bites my neck. I’m relieved that he doesn’t come on me for a change, otherwise I have to get up and deal with it or he’ll grab some toilet paper to clean me off, which is gross.

Tuesday

7am Jeff
Wake up with three year old in our bed. He kicked me in the balls last night. The kids are too old to be in our bed. I want them out, apart from weekends.

1pm Nikki
Lunch with my friends Sara* and Rachel* turns into a moan fest, with both having serious problems with their husbands. OK, Jeff and I have our problems, but I feel happy that at least we’re happy. I’m definitely happy. I’m sure Jeff is. Must make more of an effort tonight.

11pm Jeff
Keeping this diary means I’ve got sex on the brain more than usual. We talk about sex when we go to bed, something I don’t recall us doing. We just usually have sex, maybe twice a week? It can be a lot less. Nik confides she thinks we should expand our repertoire. I ask her what she wants but she’s not sure, just something else. It confuses me. I’m just not a dressing-up, toys, role-playing, whips and chains, you-dirty-whore type of guy. I like her naked. I like being inside her. Sex is simple for me. She brings up the time she made an effort by wearing a red bra, stockings and silky French bloomers. I called them her clown knickers. Whoops.

11pm Nikki
I mention that perhaps we could shake it up a bit, but I’m not sure how. I have no desire for S & M, but maybe just tied to the bed or dirty talk. Jeff doesn’t like to play with toys. He’s hurt and defensive, as if talking about our sex life emasculates him. I reassure him that he’s great in bed. He is. It’s probably only 10 per cent of the time that I don’t come. But I want him to cater to some of my desires. Also, I tell him I want to kiss more. I love kissing. Eventually, when we do have sex, we kiss with tongues and it makes me wild. He goes down on me until I orgasm; we make love. It’s nice. It’s familiar.

Wednesday

9pm Nikki
Jeff’s gone out with the other partners for a client dinner. I watch old re-runs of Sex And The City on TV. Do single women really get that much sex? Jeff always wants sex when he comes home after drinking. No chance, especially if he has been smoking, which he tends to do when he drinks.

Thursday

1am Jeff
Alcohol always makes me want to have sex. Nik says no, that I stink of cigarettes and booze, but I only had one smoke. She goes back to sleep in seconds. I masturbate in bed instead. I masturbate more now than I did when I was single.

10pm Jeff
Nik falls asleep with our three year old. I don’t want to wake her. She usually wakes sometime in the night and comes to bed. I stay up late and watch porn. Why do I feel guilty for watching porn when she’s in the house? We used to watch it together occasionally in our 20s, but never now. I don’t know if I want to share the experience anymore. It feels private somehow; an escape.

Friday

12am Nikki
It has been a very full day with the children. I haven’t had time to think about sex once today. Creep into bed where Jeff is already asleep. I spoon him and am out in seconds.

10am Nikki
Sculpt and remove pubic hair in preparation for a trip to the swimming pool and end up with a porno star, landing-strip style. Feel wantonly horny. Text Jeff and tell him I wish he could come home and fuck me right now.

10.30am Nikki
I take the kids to the pool with another mum. We ogle the ripped lifeguard in a pair of budgie smugglers. He doesn’t look at either of us. Being a mum makes me feel invisible sometimes.

2pm Jeff
Thank you, sex diary. Get a hot, sexy message from my wife while in a client meeting. I can’t remember the last time that happened. I want more of this!

2pm Nikki
Get a message back after lunch. I’m pissed off. It would have taken one minute to reply, so why wait four hours?

6pm Jeff
I love summer – flesh everywhere, legs, shoulders and breasts on display. On the way home, a woman in a bikini top and cut-off denim shorts on a bike catches my attention.

7pm Nikki
Jeff comes in with a smile. Kisses me, tells me he’s been thinking of making love to me all day after the message. I don’t mention the late reply.

9pm Jeff
Kids asleep. We watch The Walking Dead. Nik’s squeamish with all the gore in the show and turns to face me as we lie on the sofa. Feel her breasts against my chest. She’s wearing a singlet without a bra. She always complains about her boobs sagging after breastfeeding, but I think they’re beautiful. My wife has amazing nipples. We fuck on the sofa as zombies get shot in the head.

Saturday

9.30am Nikki
I sit on the toilet lid, watch Jeff in the shower and chat. I love his shoulders, his tight bum and shapely legs. He looks great from behind. I can’t go to the gym until the kids are back in day care as I’ve got them full-time. It’s hard to fit in any exercise at the best of times. I don’t have major body issue concerns, but naturally I’d like to feel more toned. When we first met I was so into indoor climbing. I always felt really sexy when I felt strong. Jeff wants a quickie, but the children are going to my parents’ house later as Jeff has a work function, so there’s plenty of time for fun later. Besides, our four-year-old daughter has a play date coming around in half an hour.

10am Jeff
Rowing training at 7am, home by 9am. Exercise gives me the horn, especially in the boat as the motion of the movement against my penis triggers a feeling. When I get home I ask Nik to put on a video for the kids so we can have a quickie. She says they’ve already watched TV for two hours. Disappointed. A quick blow job would be nice.

2pm Nikki
Drop kids off. Tennis barbecue at Jeff’s senior partner’s house. At one point Jeff is having a long, in-depth conversation with an instantly irritating, young blonde who’s dressed as if she’s playing centre court at the Australian Open. I introduce myself saying, “Hi, I’m Jeff’s wife.” It’s like I don’t have a name. I feel awkward, like I’m interrupting. On the court, she gets hit in the back and slightly winded by a tennis ball. This makes me exceedingly happy.

5pm Jeff
Love it when Nik gets jealous. Catching up with a junior colleague and Nik comes over all proprietary and overly tactile, as if she’s claiming her property. There’s something very sexy being between two attractive women, even if you’re just imagining they’re fighting over you! In my mind my wife always wins, even though she doesn’t venture onto the tennis court.

10pm Jeff
Nik and I bond over my newest colleague getting winded. I love it when she laughs. Put my hand up her skirt as she drives us home. Slip a finger inside her as I rub her over her knickers. She gets all red-necked and breathless before telling me to stop because she is distracted thinking of us mangled on the highway. Instant boner killer, right there.

10pm Nikki
Sexy car session, but lose the vibe when I think of our kids being brought up as orphans by my mum and dad.

11.30pm Nikki
Home. Jeff opens another bottle of wine. We have sex, although he is a bit drunk. It’s pretty quick. He comes first. We rarely come together. Not sure if this is normal? He puts his fingers inside me while I rub my clit until I orgasm. I wish it could have been longer. I get a feeling we’re not making the most of the time alone.

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Sunday

9am Nikki
We choose the sleep-in rather than a long sex session. Think back to that weekend away where we had penetrative sex 13 times in 48 hours. Yes, we counted. Our libidos used to vibrate at the same frequency. Until I wrote this diary I assumed they still did, but I realise my children take up so much energy that I have little left for all-consuming sex. However, we get a quick one in before the kids are dropped off as Mum and Dad are playing golf. Miss those long, languid sessions, but I know once the kids are older they’ll return.

9.30am Jeff
I want to write this diary forever. It’s the most sex we’ve had in four years of being parents! I’m sure of it. Kids home. Goodbye, sexy times.