Yahoo Lifestyle "I Know She Was Genuinely Trying To Be Nice, But It Was Such A Hard Thing To Hear:" People Are Revealing The Most Repulsive Remarks They Received That Were Meant To Be "Helpful"
Note: the below story discusses mental abuse, sexual abuse and harassment, and miscarriages.
When you're going through a tough time and decide to courageously open up to someone, it's not normal for them to dismiss your experience. So when the BuzzFeed Community was asked: "What is the worst toxic positivity phrase or tip, someone has told you?" so many people shared their heartbreaking stories. Here's what some of them said below.
1."'At least he didn't die...' That was my comfort after my husband was paralyzed in a plane crash, and I became a caregiver."
2."My daughter has multiple genetic mutations, and she is intellectually disabled, has autism and epilepsy. Her brain is made differently, and there are some things that will be impossible for her because of the way she is made. Nevertheless, people will continually tell me, 'Don’t be so negative, she’ll get there in her own time! Don’t say ‘can’t,’ anything is possible!' No, she won’t — and that’s okay! Her daddy and I know who she is, and if she can’t ever do the thing, that’s okay! She is valuable no matter what! There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging reality and loving her for who she IS RIGHT NOW instead of praying that things will change."
"Whenever people tell me 'anything is possible,' I say, 'Okay, jump over that office block.' If they object and try to alter their argument, I say, 'Well, either jump over that office block or fuck off, I don't mind which.'"
3."I'm currently undergoing tests for endometriosis and am in pain daily and now have actually burned through my skin from using heat to help with the pain. My coworker always says, 'Yoga will help' and 'People go through labor.' Yeah, people don't go through labor for a year and a half, and if all the drugs they're giving me, including putting me into early menopause, won't help the pain, 'yoga' won't do anything for me either."
4."My sister and I have been told MANY times we should be happy that I was only three and my sister was only nine months old when our father died because this way, we wouldn’t have 'too many good memories of him.' Apparently, that makes it not a real loss. And the 'Your spirit actually chose this life knowing you needed to experience these things.' I CHOSE my parents to both be dead by the time I was 35, and for my sister to have a horrible brain disorder needing a dozen surgeries as some gift to ascend my spirit before I was born? Fuck off!!!!!"
"Even if some eternal spirit that existed before you were born actually did choose this life, it does NOT mean that you chose it. You got lumped with it. Personally, I don't believe in any such thing, and I'm mystified of how anyone can do it."
5."I was horribly bullied throughout junior high and high school. When I would complain to teachers, school counselors, my parents, etc., they always said, 'Just ignore them, and they’ll quit bothering you.' They did not stop bullying me."
"I always thought this was terrible advice. They don't stop if you ignore them. They keep going because they know they can get away with it!"
6."When speaking to someone suffering from infertility, DO NOT say: 'Just stop thinking about it, and it will happen' or 'I had a friend whose brother’s wife’s cousin adopted, and two months later, she got pregnant on her own; that’s what you should do.'"
—575
"LOL, they make it sound like you can just go out and adopt a kid as if it's as easy as buying a sweater or something."
7."I joined a gym recently in order to get stronger and fit as well as lose some pandemic weight. In my first session, as he was showing me around the machines, the PT said casually, 'You know, the best exercise you can do is to keep your mouth closed and not eat calorie-heavy stuff.' I am curvy and a bit on the heavier side now, but that was a really awful thing to say! He didn’t know anything about my eating habits or what caused my weight gain."
8."I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: 'Everything happens for a reason' or the religious version, 'It’s all part of God’s plan.' Really? When a dear friend of mine died at 19, or another friend was sexually abused by his own damn father? I could go on and on. Please explain the 'reason' or why you’d still worship a god who made that a part of his plan. I’m waiting."
9."My mom just won't stop saying, 'You are not gay, get over it. Gay people don't exist; it's all made up.' I've given up on it, actually."
10."'But you loved them!' No, I was groomed from a young age to believe that the manipulation and guilt thrown upon me by a much older person was love. Hint: It wasn't love. It was abuse. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's okay for them to abuse you."
11."My appendix had burst, and as I was crying and writhing in pain, my mother said, 'I was in labor three times. Stop being dramatic.' That was after HOURS of being in pain and her refusing to take me to the hospital because I was a drama queen."
12."Having therapists say, 'Well, I can’t help you if you’re not going to help yourself.' That’s right, I can’t help myself. That’s literally why I came in here to get the support and guidance of what I thought was a professional. Also, it took a lot for me to get it together enough to come to therapy in the first place, so a little encouragement is not only appreciated but desperately needed!"
13."When I reported the sexual harassment I was enduring at work to my boss, I was mockingly told, 'Let it go, Elsa!' and that I needed to act more lovingly toward my abuser."
14."‘God needed another Angel,’ ‘Everything happens for a reason,’ and my fave after I lost my first daughter at 20 weeks gestation, ‘You’re young, you can have another.' Ok, Karen, go pick one of your loved ones you never want to see again."
"Bettie, I’m with you. I lost my daughter at 14 weeks. The responses were mind-boggling: 'At least you won’t be tied to that asshole forever,' 'You can try again' and on and on.
One of the wives of a workmate got it right. She came into the office without prior warning I was weeks past a miscarriage, asked me how I was feeling, and got the news. She said she was terribly sorry, turned around and left. About an hour later, I received a beautiful bouquet and a heartfelt note of sympathy, and I’ll never forget it or her. No minimizing, she sympathized. Perfect."
15."Six months after my husband was killed, and I suffered a late miscarriage as a result, my sister invited me to a musical concert. I still wasn’t ready for that much stimulation and people, plus my depression had left me with anhedonia, so I turned her down. She told me my husband was dead, not me. So, I needed to stop acting like it."
16."My husband's seizures are controlled, and he constantly gets told, 'Sounds like you are better. Why are you so stressed about it? Relax!' Uh, no, his symptoms are controlled, not cured. He still lives with the fear of breakthroughs and his medication no longer being therapeutic."
17."Context: After an unforeseen risk of my necessary reconstructive jaw surgery four years ago, I was left with an opening of about 2mm. There is no easy fix, and this has stumped surgeons all over the world. Here are my top three ‘WTF’ comments: 'Maybe if you tried eating REAL food, your jaw would open.' 'Have you TRIED opening your jaw more?' and finally, 'Have you considered getting the wires cut?' (There are no wires. My jaw is simply paralyzed, which makes this my favorite comment to hear.)"
18."'That's wonderful, it's stage one cancer!' Excuse me? I was told this when I was first diagnosed. Fuck that. Finding out you have any 'stage' of cancer is a blow to the head. Never mind the years of treatments and surgeries I've gone through. The correct response should be: 'I'm very sorry you're going through this.' FULL STOP!!!!"
19."You don’t need medication or therapy for depression. Go to church. Being depressed is an insult to God cause he provides all you need."
20."My Grandma raised her siblings like they were hers after their parents died young, so her sisters see her as their Mum. When she was dying of terminal cancer, one of my auntie's daughters passed away suddenly; she was 42. One of my other Aunts told her that 'She had been taken by God' to care for my Grandma when she passed and that 'At least she didn't have to get old; she'd always be young.' So disgusting."
21."Me: 'I just got diagnosed with PTSD, and I'm feeling really sad and angry right now.' The other person: 'Just get over it. It happened two years ago. 'Wait, I can just get over it because it was two years ago?!! Why did nobody tell me!? Guess I don't have PTSD anymore!'"
—onyx
22.“'You’re so strong and BRAVE.' No, I just didn’t want to die from leukemia at 37. Those were my two options: receive treatment or die."
23."For me, it was when people told me that they wished that they were as thin as me. At the time, I was extremely ill with Crohn's disease and regularly needed to be stabilized in the hospital. I was always cold, and my bones seemed to hurt. Even sitting on a soft sofa or lying on a bed was painful. I even had one delusional woman who told me that she wished she had Crohn's so she could be skinny like me."
24."My first day back at work after my daughter died, I was giving a hug to a coworker, and he told me, 'If it makes you feel better, Jen and I broke up, so I lost two kids too.' You were together for two years, and the kids are still alive... so, yeah, that’s not the same."
25."While dealing with severe depression and anxiety, my grandmother told me to 'Snap out of it' and 'You’ll feel better if you just get dressed and put some makeup on. Smile more!'"
26."I had a miscarriage at 19. My fiancé at the time and I weren't married. My super religious great-grandmother told me when she found out, 'Well, the wages of sin is death.'"
27."I told one of my friends that I’d been diagnosed with OCD, and her response was, ‘Oh, well, I can’t even tell, which is good!’ We were both young, and I know she was genuinely trying to be nice, but it was such a hard thing to hear, especially since I knew she only ‘couldn’t tell’ because she’d grown up with me and was used to my unusual mannerisms."
Has anyone given you a "well-intended" tip that was horrible to hear? Tell us what happened and what they said in the comments below.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
The National Alliance on Mental Illness helpline is 1-888-950-6264 (NAMI) and provides information and referral services; GoodTherapy.org is an association of mental health professionals from more than 25 countries who support efforts to reduce harm in therapy.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
