Yahoo Lifestyle How to help shy kids shine
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Just as kids come in all shapes and sizes, they come loaded with all manner of different personalities, too! I often see parents who are concerned that, rather than being outgoing and confident, their child is quiet and shy. Being shy isn’t really a psychological problem, though – it’s a natural display of a personality type. Shyness certainly isn’t a clinical disorder! It’s really no more abnormal than a child being overly confident and somewhat of an extrovert.
Some professionals even argue that being shy is almost a gift, as shy people tend to be more passionate and creative. Similarly, shy people are often more honest, gentle, unassuming, caring and empathetic. But while shy adults may develop these valuable qualities, I believe we shouldn’t simply focus on adult outcomes. Many of the shy toddlers I meet are too often in alarmed, nervous and fearful states, which isn’t good for development. It’s also the case that overly shy toddlers may be at risk of developing anxieties and being left out or bullied as they get older.
That’s not to say shyness is always a problem, though. A shy toddler may be slower in making eye contact, but will eventually get there, and she may engage with a few trusted people. A shy child might be reserved, but will gradually come to engage with others in a polite manner. A shy child often has good self-image and is happy playing quietly and alone, but may at first be reserved with new peers or unknown adults.
Shyness moves from being just a personality trait to being a clinical problem when a child becomes aggressive, destructive or prone to self injury. She may hit another child or adult or break objects simply to ‘escape’, for example. Similarly, shyness becomes a problem when it prevents a child from developing and thriving – if she’s so shy that she can’t play with other kids for an extended period and so isn’t developing social and play skills.
Dealing with shyness
It’s important not to label your little cutie-pie as “a shy child”, as though her shyness is an actual problem. This can turn into long-term self-fulfilling prophecy. Rather, try to focus on the positive-development side of things by using encouraging words, such as, “She’s learning to be more confident...” If you must, use a ‘protective’ label such as, “She’s reserved, but getting good at smiling with others now.”
It’s also important to protect your toddler from well-meaning, but misdirected, relatives and friends. The overconfident uncle who scoops your shy tot from the safety of a position behind your leg and lifts her off the ground for a big bear hug needs to be reined in, for example. Such sudden and alarming actions can set your little one further back and increase her reluctance to take social risks. Also, don’t take heed of relatives who suggest that forcing her to do things that she doesn’t want to do will break her bad habits – this may lead to more resistant behaviour. Even forcing her to "look Grandma in the eye, don’t be rude...” will often have the reverse effect and result in increased shyness. It’s important to understand that shy kids are not being rude, naughty or impolite – they’d like to be more welcoming, but their personality simply won’t allow it just yet.
Shedding the shy shell
Your shy tot will become more engaging and confident with positive and genuine regard and encouragement. Try to go slowly, though. Her shyness indicates that she needs to be reassured and to feel confident at each small step. Start by building on any small successes. For example, if she’s confident with Grandma, try to encourage this with others: “You’re great with Gran’s cuddles, now let’s try a quick one with Aunty Jane.” An important factor is not to take control away from your toddler, so you may add that the hug with Aunty Jane will be “just a really quick one – just as long as you like and feel comfortable with.”
This being said, be wary of allowing your child to have her way too far and only allowing you to play with or take care of her. Begin by playing with her, but be firm and confident that you’ll need to step away, so she can only continue if she tries playing with someone else for a few minutes. Be sure that the child who steps in is suitable – not aggressive or bossy – for these initial encounters.
Helping your shy toddler also involves not inadvertently sabotaging development. It’s very natural to want to protect your child, but make sure that you or your shy tot’s older siblings don’t always talk for her, ‘rescue’ her or overcompensate. For instance, a simple “please” isn’t too much to ask for. Even if it’s mumbled and involves looking away, this is fine to begin with – don’t take on her role for her (“Sarah says please, Grandma”). If she can’t manage this at first, simply wait a few minutes and try again later.
Finally, overcoming shyness requires patience, reassurance and gradual development. Stick with it, continue to encourage and support your sweetie and she will eventually bloom and grow to fulfill all of the passionate, loyal and caring characteristics of shyness.
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