The Funniest Tweets From Women This Week (Aug. 31-Sept. 6)

did it hurt? when you had to fade your voice out while you were telling a story to a group of people once you realized nobody was really paying attention?

— ً (@zeinacey) September 3, 2024

Some people my age are parents & homeowners. Awesome! I keep my passport & social security card in a sandwich bag

— Meg (@megannn_lynne) August 31, 2024

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future” pic.twitter.com/0IfaSI57ZZ

— “paula” (@paularambles) September 2, 2024

Girl sitting next to me on the train has a privacy screen protector. Bored affff

— serena shahidi (@glamdemon2004) September 3, 2024

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

— E🍎 (@Emmys) September 5, 2024

Not 183 year old tea!!! https://t.co/jfnKhyowCO

— Thicki Lake ♓️🪬 (@ShyThugg) September 5, 2024

why do ultimate frisbee people insist on calling it ultimate? are they embarrassed by association with the humble frisbee?

— lauren (@Very__Regular) September 1, 2024

There’s something affirming about how even celebrity and wealth can’t protect you from posting through it https://t.co/xzyDTqX5ya

— Emily Niksefat (@emilygmonster) September 1, 2024

cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job

— trash jones (@jzux) September 5, 2024

the sudden urge to tell my mom everything that i’ve been keeping from her just because we’re having a good time

— ً (@soidoona) September 5, 2024

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

— ash (@heythatsmeash) September 4, 2024

pic.twitter.com/YFJiDBAPD2

— kira 👾 (@kirawontmiss) September 4, 2024

I feel so bad for those of you whose tv stations air Jeopardy before Wheel. It’s just not right. Wheel is the much needed mental warm up for Jeopardy. I’m not performing at my best without a light hors d’oeuvre of Wheel of Fortune

— caitie delaney (@caitiedelaney) September 3, 2024

is there a pulitzer for tweets https://t.co/0YzKpagZGQ

— Leah Greenberg (@Leahgreenb) September 4, 2024

I just found out a married couple I know doesn’t have assigned cars. Like they have 2 cars.. but one isn’t his and hers… they just wake up every morning and grab whatever set of keys and go??? That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard in all my lives????

— Ashland (@BravesAshland) September 5, 2024

Pathetically begged my local ice cream shop to bring back a flavor they had months ago in their Instagram comments and they actually did it….Don’t listen to the naysayers and non-believers…Sometimes you really do just have to be starry-eyed and shameless…

— pris (@pwiscila) September 5, 2024

a heist movie that takes place during a 17 minute standing ovation at cannes

— Karli Marulli (@karlimarulli) September 4, 2024

Too chic to have ever said “netflix and chill,” too wise to have ever said “seggs.” Nothing can blemish the reputation of the 22-28 year old

— zou bisou bisou where are you (@lilgrapefruits) September 4, 2024

Inconsolably sobbing because I just realized my cat has a tiny brain and a tiny little heart and a tiny liver and teeny tiny kidneys

— sydney (@mornings0da) September 5, 2024

Crossed the street to give the 3 tween girls their space as they took up the entire sidewalk to jump around in a prayer circle repeating “our moms WILL say yes to a sleepover TONIGHT!” ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥

— eliza (@elizamclamb) September 4, 2024

NYT Connections is NOT the game to play when you’re in a bad mood. “Types of salad” okay kill your self

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) September 3, 2024

pinterest is 50% ads, instagram is 80% ads, twitter is nazis, facebook is ads FOR nazis, and tiktok is 12 year olds making anti-seed oil diy sunscreen or whatever. I swear to god, I am THIS CLOSE to reading a book

— katie (@katefeetie) September 3, 2024

i no longer dislike mondays, i’m mature now, i dislike the whole week

— ً (@soidoona) September 4, 2024

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

— em j. (@yagye0n) September 3, 2024

Brat summer may be over but Freudian Slip fall is just beginning pic.twitter.com/0tSUgJzpNi

— evil girl (@megtjames) September 3, 2024

Got wasted last night and confessed to him my biggest fantasy which is sitting in the bath while he sits on the side fully clothed and washes my hair and rinses it by pouring a big plastic cup of water over my head and then we go to sleep

— tess✩ (@finalgrlcomplex) September 3, 2024

one time my ex told me he had "never been" to the produce section of the grocery store before

— anna livia 💚 (@not_a_heather) September 4, 2024

You’ll be having a good day and here comes a cyber truck.

— Caroline Renard (@carolinerenard_) September 4, 2024