The best jokes for when the dinner chat gets dry

Ok ok, so we're not claiming to be Ed Gamble or James Acaster, but sometimes you just need a funny joke up your sleeve. Maybe a first date just got a bit awkward, or you're trying to make your niece laugh. Or maybe you need to help a friend cheer up, or you've just been approached by one of those TikTokers shouting "If you make me laugh I will buy you a car."

Here are 101 funny jokes to have up your sleeve, even if you do think they're a bit cringe.

Short jokes

  • How do you know if a vampire is unwell?

Because he'll be coffin

  • Where do pirates get their hooks?

Second hand shops

  • Why did the bicycle collapse?

It was too tyred

  • What kind of music do bubbles hate?


  • Why did the hairdresser win the race?

He knew a shortcut

  • How did the picture end up in prison?

It was framed

  • What do solicitors wear to work?


  • Why did the bullet lose its job?

It got fired

  • Why can’t a toe be 12 inches long?

Then it’d be a foot

  • Want to hear a joke about a roof?

The first one’s on the house

  • What does a house wear?


  • What did one wall say to the other?

"I'll meet you at the corner"

  • Why is grass so dangerous?

It’s full of blades

  • What’s orange and sounds like a carrot?

A parrot

  • Why do French people eat snails?

They don’t like fast food

  • Where do hamburgers and hot dogs go dancing?

A meatball

  • How do trees get online?

They just log on!

  • How do billboards talk?

Sign language

  • What’s America’s favourite soda?

Mini soda

  • Why shouldn’t you trust atoms?

Because they make up everything

  • How was Rome split in two?

With a pair of Caesars

  • Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?

She’ll let it go

  • What kind of music do planets like?


  • What did one hat say to the other?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

  • Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

  • How do you follow a book?

You track their footnotes

  • What’s the biggest problem with snow boots?

They melt

Food jokes

  • What do PHD students eat when they're hungry?

Academia nuts

  • Why should you always knock before opening the fridge door?

In case there's a salad dressing

  • Why couldn't the sesame seed stop talking?

He was on a roll

  • Why do prawns never share?

Because they're shellfish

  • What did the cheese say to himself in the mirror?


  • What do you call a drunk parsnip?

A steaming vegetable

  • Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fungi

  • Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?

Because he lost his filling

  • What did one pickle say to the other?

Dill with it

  • What food is never on time?


  • What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta

  • How much room should you give to the funghi?

As mushroom as you can

  • What do you call a cup of coffee with a pair of trousers in it?

A cupachinos

  • What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?


  • How does Reese eat her ice cream?


Animal jokes

  • What’s the most famous fish?

A starfish!

  • What are spiders really good at?

Surfing the web

  • What do you call a magic dog?

A labracadabrador

  • How does a farmer keep track of his cattle?

With a cow-culator

  • What do you call an alligator detective?

An investi-gator

  • Where would you find a giraffe?

The same place you lost it!

  • Why don't they play cards in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs

  • How do you measure a slug?

In inches, because they don't have feet

  • What social events do spiders love to attend?


  • What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk

  • Why aren’t koalas considered bears?

They don’t have the right koala-fications

  • What do you call a well-balanced horse?


  • What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

  • What’s the smartest insect?

A spelling bee!

  • Where do cows go on Friday nights?

The moovies

  • How do you make a baby snake cry?

Take away its rattle

  • What do you call a chicken that makes jokes?

A comedihen

  • What are caterpillars scared of?


  • Why didn’t the lion win the race?

Because he was racing a cheetah

  • Why did the bee get married?

Because she found her honey

  • Why can’t the leopard hide?

Because he’s always spotted

  • What kind of jacket does an octopus wear?

An army jacket

More funny jokes

  • What do you call a singer with a laptop on her head?


  • When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar

  • What do toilets do when they're embarrassed?

They always get a bit flush

  • How do you organise a space-themed party?

You planet

  • Why do pancakes always win at cricket?

They have the best batter

  • Why did the robot arrive at the event so tired?

He had a hard-drive

  • What do runners eat before a race?

Nothing - they fast

  • How do you stop an astronaut’s toddler from crying?

You rocket

  • What do you call an unpredictable camera?

A loose Canon

  • Why shouldn't you use a broken pencil?

Because it's point-less

  • What did the policeman say to his nipple?

You're under a vest

  • Why couldn’t the sailor learn the alphabet?

He kept getting lost at C

  • Why was Cinderella so bad at rugby?

She kept running away from the ball

  • What did the dentist win at the competition?

A little plaque

  • What do you call a skeleton with only a head?

A nobody

  • What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's very heavy and the other’s a little lighter.

  • Why do ghosts like to take the lift?

It lifts their spirits

  • What do you call a patronising bear?

A pan-duh

  • Why did the scarecrow win an award?

He was outstanding in his field

  • Why didn't the skeleton never go on dates?

He didn't have the guts to ask anyone

  • Do you want to hear a construction joke?

Sorry, I’m still working on it

  • Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?

He's a bit of a pain in the neck

  • What do you call a guy who’s really loud?


  • What do you call a retired vegetable?

A has-bean

  • Can February March?

No, but April May!

  • Why shouldn't you marry a calendar?

Its days are numbered

  • Why do barbers make good drivers?

They know a lot of short cuts

  • What do you call a detective that accidentally solves the case?

Sheer Luck Holmes

  • What’s it called when you have too many aliens?


  • What should you do if you’re cold?

Stand in the corner, it’s 90 degrees

  • What does a clock do when it’s hungry?

It goes back for seconds

  • Why did Shakespeare always write with a pen?

Because pencils made him ask ‘2B or not 2B’?

  • What does one eye say to the other eye?

Something between us smells

  • What was Forrest Gump’s email password?


  • Why should you never trust stairs?

They’re always up to something

  • What’s the spookiest kind of author?

A ghost writer

  • What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?

Why so Sirius?

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