It's a tale of two emotions on Bachelor in Paradise

Deirdre Fidge

A double-walk off and another love declaration? What a doozy!

Let’s recap: heaps of our contestants are coupled up, with Jarrod and Keira in their own little blonde and easily-sunburnt world.

J-dog refers to them as the ‘mum and dad’ of paradise which I guess is accurate if you had a deeply emotional father and mum who wore fishnets and always had a cocktail in her hand

More like brother and sister of paradise am I right? Photo: Channel Ten

The others are chattering about the last rose ceremony, especially Leah who never seems to stop chattering. She was given a Pity Rose from American Jarod which, while not ideal, is certainly better than a Hate Rose or Urinary Tract Infection Rose.

Time for Leah’s bi-hourly threat to leave! Photo: Channel Ten

DING DONG DIME, IT’S DATE CARD TIME! Canadian Thomas has his choice of ladies but given last time they all responded with ‘lol nah’, he’s naturally hesitant and sidles up to newbie Rachael.

Tommy unsuccessfully attempting to mask his desperate hopes Photo: Channel Ten
When the UberEats driver finally arrives Photo: Channel Ten

Rachael accepts, pleasing a now fist-pumping Thomas and upsetting American Jarod who obviously hoped he and Rach were a sure thing.

America vs Canada: who will win? Photo: Channel Ten
Sounds of Silence plays in the distance. Photo: Channel Ten

Rachael and Thomas go on a Love Golf date that is literally one hole of normal golf but with the words ‘love’ strewn on the grass by some work experience kid.

Is the date budget all gone? Photo: Channel Ten
Lucky a man is here to help - Rach was about to cluelessly swallow the golf club whole like the silly woman she is! Photo: Channel Ten

They finish the date with sparkling wine and finger sandwiches, proving my theory that the budget for dates has decreased dramatically since Day 1 in Paradise.

Is that Passion Pop? Photo: Channel Ten

They chat about why they’re on paradise (a common question that, surprisingly, nobody has answered with “to eventually host a home renovation show on Foxtel and design my own range of edible soaps”). Like everyone else, they want love, blah blah, a kiss happens. Sorry American Jarod, you lose :(

Who knew white bread sandwiches were such an aphrodisiac? Photo: Channel Ten

Meanwhile, Eden and Elora have been spending time together, resulting in a classic miscommunication comedy of errors: Eden is a keen bean for some smooching, but Elora says he’s “like a really chill girlfriend”.

Just a couple of gal pals! Photo: Channel Ten

After that Eden is smitten, Elora pulls him aside to have The Talk to clear things up. He responds in a really respectful chill way; by saying “I am a man who makes decisions!!!” and storming off, like the big manly man he is.

Does anyone else get severe anxiety watching public rejection? Photo: Channel Ten
It’s the big manly man! Photo: Channel Ten
Bye bye baby. Photo: Channel Ten

WOOP WOOP ah yes, the newbie alarm, right on time. But this time it’s not a newbie… it’s the return of Flo! And Jake is absolutely crapping his dacks.

This is in the dictionary under the word ‘strut’. Photo: Channel Ten
Did Jake just see an ex or realise he left his toastie in the grill? Probably the first one. Photo: Channel Ten

Flo shows everyone how over Jake she is by constantly talking about him and the fact that she wants to cause him grievous bodily harm.

“You reckon Wais would help me move a body?” Photo: Channel Ten

Later on, Tara and Sam have a dancing date. These two are goofy and in love and it’s actually quite adorable and only a little weird to think about the cameramen chasing them around to film their smooching.

These dancers are loving life and definitely not wanting to go home and eat chips Photo: Channel Ten
Obviously I want them to be happy but if things don’t work out can Tara PLEASE be the next Bachelorette? Photo: Channel Ten

After an awkward afternoon Jake decides to chat with Flo to clear the air. “Drama! Drama! Drama!” we all shriek collectively.

Oh, did you overhear me say I wanted to kill you? Photo: Channel Ten
I wonder if producers were annoyed they didn’t chat during the day because it’s harder to see facial expressions at night. Welcome to my inner monologue. Photo: Channel Ten

Anyway, Flo kinda rightfully tells Jake he previously acted like a bit of a banana and it hurt her, and he kinda rightfully apologies and says it was a hard decision for him.

Shoutout to healthy communication! Photo: Channel Ten

Osher springs out of some foliage to announce that there will NOT BE ANY MORE NEW ARRIVALS.

The remaining singles survey the man scraps like hopeful pigeons peering into a bin. Photo: Channel Ten

Leah decides to finally leave and nobody really cares.

Girl, why did you bring so many shoes? Photo: Channel Ten

Let’s hope Osher wasn’t lying about the contestants being capped, because if a hot new bachelor drops by next ep, that just feels like increased public humiliation.

FINALLY! I mean, bye, good luck, all the best! Photo: Channel Ten

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