Yahoo Lifestyle How to answer those tricky toddler questions
Kids sure can throw some curveballs your way. One moment you’re happily eating your dinner, the next you’re choking down your broccoli and scrambling to somehow answer the question about penises and vaginas your cherub has chirped up with out of nowhere. Yep, you’ve gotta love the curious, speak-what’s-on-my-mind attitude of tots.
“Kids are inquisitive from a very young age, so expect all kinds of questions early!” warns child-psychologist Kimberley O’Brien, from the Quirky Kid Clinic in Sydney. “The very best advice for answering any of these questions,” she continues, “is to be open and honest with your child – and, of course, it always helps to be prepared.”
Kimberley says one of the best ways to be prepared is to think about some of the questions your child might ask (a quick browse of internet forums will turn up everything from the stock-standard preschool ponderings to the out-there shockers some poor parents have had to deal with), then come up with an idea of what you might say in response to them.
“It’s always good to have a clear picture in your mind of what you feel comfortable saying about some of the trickier topics,” Kimberley advises. “Research in advance, know what some good books are, and you
can even think back to how things were revealed or explained to you.”
Read on to arm yourself with a bit of knowledge and advice so you’re prepared for some of the more common curly queries…
“Daddy, is Santa claus/the Easter Bunny/the Tooth Fairy real?”
This can be a tricky one, and your response will really depend on whether you want to extend the magic a little longer, or reveal all. Is there a right time for this discussion, though? “I think that around the age of seven or eight, if questions about Santa or the Easter Bunny continue, then you need to sit down and decide if it’s time,” Kimberley says. “But there’s no right or wrong here,” she adds. “For some families it happens earlier, for others later, and that’s okay.”
What to say: “As toddlers, kids don’t understand the distinction of reality from fiction as yet,” says PP’s child-psychology expert, Ian Wallace, “so if you want to keep up the tradition, then it’s safe to answer, ‘You believe in Santa and only those that believe get gifts or Tooth-Fairy money’.” If you’re ready for the reveal, you may be worried your child will feel cheated or be upset at having been lied to. A good way to explain it then, Kimberley says, is to explain, “This is the family tradition. In our family we believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy when we’re little, and we pass this belief on to our own children when we grow up.”
“Mummy, where do babies come from?”
This one is particularly popular if a younger sibling is on the way. While it may still be too early for the full sex talk (phew!), having a simplified version of the ‘birds and bees’ ready to go is a good idea, as vague answers or avoidance – “I’ll tell you when you’re older” – are only going to raise further curiosity and questions about the topic.
What to say: Kimberley believes it’s important to be as accurate in your language as possible, while relating your explanation to things that are tangible in your child’s world to help her grasp the idea. For example, you might say, “Mummy has a tiny egg (called an ovum)in her tummy and, when the time is right, Daddy gives her a special seed (called sperm), and from this a baby grows”. “Most kids can understand growth when it comes to plants in the garden,” Kimberley says, “so they may be able to understand the concept of Daddy planting the seed in Mummy’s body this way.”
There are also some helpful kids’ books that may make the job of explaining easier, including There’s a House Inside My Mummy by Giles Andreae and Vanessa Cabban ($16.99, The Watts Publishing Group) and What’s Inside Your Tummy, Mummy? by Abby Cocovini ($14.95, Red Fox).
“Why do boys have willies and girls don’t?”
“The differences between the sexes is something parents should be prepared to talk about early,” Kimberley says, “especially if you have a young toddler who showers with both Mummy and Daddy!” The key when talking about the bits of boys and girls with your tot is to relax and try not to appear flustered or embarrassed. Littlies are very perceptive and seeing you like this may get your child thinking the topic, and even her body, is something shameful or to be embarrassed about.
What to say: Even with toddlers, it’s best to use the proper names of genitals to reduce confusion – so explain that boys have a ‘penis’ and ‘scrotum’ and girls a ‘vulva’ and ‘vagina’. “A simple way to explain things to your child is to say that we are all different, in different ways,” Ian says. “For example, some friends have blue eyes, some brown eyes, some have blond hair, others black. It’s just that boys and girls are different, so boys have penises and girls have vaginas.” There’s also a great booklet called Talk Soon. Talk Often, which you can download from Public Health WA.
“Why did our dog go away? Where did he go?”
Death is a tough subject, but it’s also a part of life. This means that even though you’d like to protect your littlie from all the bad stuff in the world, it’s important to talk to her about life cycles, Kimberley advises. When trying to explain a death – from that of a pet to one of a family member – keep in mind that if you’re grieving yourself, your child is likely to pick up on your emotions and be more upset.
“In fact, she may be more upset by seeing you upset than by the information, so try to gain your composure before talking to her,” Kimberley says.
What to say: While toddlers might not quite have the capacity to understand the permanence of death, they’re more confused by lies, such as “Grandma is floating up in the sky” or “Puppy is just sleeping” – which can spark fears of falling asleep – explains Ian. It’s best to be honest, avoid conceptual language such as ‘forever’, and to talk the situation through. For example, Ian suggests saying, “Grandma was old and her body stopped working. Grandma can’t help any more with toys. Grandma won’t be here but we can still love her.” Keep it simple and help your child understand that it’s okay to feel sad, but also show her she’ll be able to find her way out of the feeling and be happy again: “Remember how you used to have Teddy and then we lost him? But then you found Rabbit, who you love very much.”
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