Alec Baldwin opens up about PTSD from “Rust ”shooting in reality show: 'Why am I still here?'

Alec Baldwin opens up about the psychological toll of the Rust tragedy in the premiere of his new reality show, The Baldwins.

Premiering Feb. 23 on TLC, the series follows the life of the actor and his wife Hilaria Baldwin, chronicling the "challenges and humor" of raising a large family — seven children, eight animals! — in the public eye. The death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins, killed on set of the western in 2021 after Baldwin discharged a prop gun with live rounds, hangs heavily over the premiere.

Related: Alec and Hilaria Baldwin address 'unthinkable tragedy' of Rust shooting in first look at reality show

The episode takes place weeks before the commencement of Baldwin's 2024 trial for involuntary manslaughter, prior to the case ultimately being thrown out. "We’re going through some stressful things and we’re trying to parent through," Hilaria says in the episode, noting the toll it has taken on their young children. "They’ve had unfortunate realizations."

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When Alec notes how "surreal" the ordeal has been, Hilaria shares that her partner suffers from post-traumatic stress disorder and survivor's guilt. "Everyone who is close to Alec has seen his mental health decline," she says. "He was diagnosed with PTSD and he says, in his darkest moments, 'If an accident had to have happened on this day, why am I still here? Why couldn’t it be me?'"

Addressing her husband directly, she continues, "You wake up in the morning and you're like, 'Oh God, why did I have to wake up?' You’re so dark and it's so painful."

Alec shares with his wife, "My good friend said to me the other day, he said, 'How are you doing?' and I said, 'I'm happier when I'm asleep than when I'm awake.'" He also notes, "I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you and these kids going through this," adding, "I never would’ve made it with this. Sometimes I ask, 'Why did we have seven kids?' To help carry me and you through this situation."

Related: Rust first-look photos show work of late cinematographer Halyna Hutchins

Hilaria calls Hutchins' death an "unthinkable tragedy," adding that it will always "be part of our family's story." She says, "A son lost their mom. We are going to feel and carry this pain forever."

Hutchins died after she was struck on the chest on the New Mexico set in October 2021. The premiere features a clip of a shell-shocked Baldwin learning through authorities that Hutchins did not survive. Prosecutors announced charges against Baldwin and other crew in 2023, which were later dropped that same year before prosecutors again indicted Baldwin for involuntary manslaughter in early 2024. Days after his trial began, prosecutors once again dismissed the case, bringing the drawn-out legal saga to an end.

The film's armorer, Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, was sentenced to 18 months in prison after being convicted of involuntary manslaughter for Hutchins' death in 2024.

The Baldwins premieres Sunday, Feb. 23, on TLC at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

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