Yahoo Lifestyle 6 Behaviors That Signal a Person's Lonely, According to Psychologists
Earlier this year, the Healthy Minds Monthly Poll from the American Psychiatric Association reported that 30 percent of adults felt lonely at least once a week over the past year.
People can experience loneliness for many reasons and at all ages, whether it involves being single in your 20s, losing your friends as an older adult or something in-between.
Needless to say, if you feel alone—or are worried about a loved one who seems lonely—well, you’re not alone.
Knowing the signs of loneliness is helpful, especially if you’re concerned about a friend or want to identify it ASAP. After all, loneliness is serious. It increases the risk of depression and early mortality, just to name a couple of concerning effects.
Ahead, psychologists share behaviors that signal a person's lonely, tips for supporting a lonely individual and how to intervene.
Related: This Is the Exact Age When We Tend to Feel the Most Lonely—and What to Do About It
6 Behaviors That Signal a Person’s Lonely
First, let’s get into the psychology behind loneliness and what might be going on in that person’s head.
“Being lonely impacts our mindset and [leads] to certain thinking patterns, such as focusing on the negative or a lacking perspective on certain things due to not processing with others,” says Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author of Surviving Suicidal Ideation: From Therapy to Spirituality and the Lived Experience.
That can lead to the behaviors mentioned below.
Another important point: “Lonely people may behave in different ways depending on whether or not they're in the company of others,” says Dr. Golee Abrishami, PhD, psychologist and head of clinical care at Octave.
With that said, Dr. Kelley and Dr. Abrishami share specific examples of what to spot.
1. Having an unhelpful or negative mindset
There’s no shame here, BTW—we all experience this at some point, and it’s normal.
With people who are lonely, though, “There can be greater instances of catastrophizing, or even feeling like the victim,” Dr. Kelley says. “It may also lead to making assumptions about other people’s feelings and situations without gaining insight from interpersonal interactions.”
Dr. Abrishami adds that lonely individuals may criticize or belittle themselves, trying to figure out what makes them feel unlikeable. You may hear them talk about themselves this way.
“However, loneliness can be very common, and you shouldn’t attribute loneliness to character faults,” she emphasizes. “This can be quite dangerous, because it can lead to a vicious cycle of low self-esteem.”
2. Judging and criticizing others
This one seems counterintuitive, but Dr. Abrishami’s explanation clears it up.
“When you’re uncomfortable around people, you’re more likely to be critical of them, too,” she says. “Loneliness can make us more uncomfortable with ourselves and others, leading to an unpleasant combination of judgmentalism and low self-esteem.”
She provides examples, such as speaking ill of a stranger or saying negative things about a loved one.
3. Spending more time on screens
Screen use—whether from texting games, Reddit, social media, TV shows or other sources—can be rewarding (and even addicting) for the brain as it releases dopamine, the “pleasure” neurotransmitter.
Plus, those sources can serve as a “community” when IRL people can’t or don’t. That’s not always a “bad” or unhelpful thing, either.
“Those who are lonely may seek some of the mirror neuron activation and synthetic socializing through watching other people’s relationships on TV and movies,” Dr. Kelley says. “There’s also an increased instance of finding communities online, which can actually be helpful as long as they are supportive.”
4. Hiding their emotions and deep thoughts
You probably won’t see much self-expression from a lonely person, according to Dr. Abrishami.
“Lonely people will seek ways to avoid being vulnerable with others, even if they have good relationships with those people,” she says.
After all, that vulnerability could lead to rejection—a major fear for many of us, and a possible contributor to bailing on plans and friendships.
5. Isolating themselves
While alone time can be great—especially for introverts—it can have detrimental effects in excess, continuing an unhelpful cycle.
“It may seem contrary to the issue, but the more someone spends time alone, the less comfortable they will feel in social settings, and so they will be more likely to further isolate,” Dr. Kelley says. “There can also be an increase in social anxiety, which is why even just going out into public, say at a coffee shop to do your work as opposed to being at home, can be helpful.”
This sign might not look so clear-cut every time, BTW. Dr. Abrishami says lonely people may avoid responding to texts, let enough time lapse that the message is no longer relevant, screen phone calls, bail at the last minute or lag behind if the group changes locations.
6. Longing to spend time with others without trying to make it happen
This one may be harder to spot in someone else, but it's an important piece to be aware of when supporting a lonely person.
“For example, they might long for a specific friend to reach out to them, but they likely won’t call or text them first,” Dr. Abrishami says. “They might daydream about that person, imagining what they're doing and what it would be like to catch up with them.”
This emphasizes the importance of making the first move with lonely people (more on that in a bit).
Related: 11 Phrases That Signal a Person's Lonely, According to Psychologists
Why It’s Important To Support a Lonely Person
Dr. Kelley says “it’s incredibly important” to support someone who seems lonely, and her reasoning is strong. “Loneliness is one of the early signs of suicidal ideation, as well as depression, trauma and other mental health issues.”
Humans are wired for connection, as you may have heard from shame researcher Brene Brown or social neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman. Dr. Kelley agrees. “As humans, we are social beings and our immune system and longevity relies on community,” she says.
As both of today’s psychologists will tell you, these “small” relationship-building steps affect our larger community, too. “Loneliness can have an impact on society, and not just the individuals who experience it,” Dr. Abrishami says. “Communities are shaped by the ways that people choose—or don’t choose—to engage with others.”
So, she encourages being proactive. Don’t fall into the bystander effect trap. “Don’t assume that someone else will take care of it and take the first step for a connection,” Dr. Abrishami says.
Related: People Who Felt Lonely as Children Usually Develop These 13 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
When Should You Intervene?
To be clear, an ~intervention~ doesn’t have to be some huge, serious, group thing. It can be simple.
“While loneliness can feel like a big problem, addressing it can be done in easy, simple ways,” Dr. Abrishami says. “You can call or text a friend, invite them to a group outing, invite them to hang out one-on-one, send a gift or mail them a postcard.”
Dr. Kelley agrees even small gestures matter. “Any effort you make to connect with them can be quite helpful,” she says.
As far as timing, Dr. Abrishami encourages looking for signs—like consistently or increasingly spending time in solitude—and intervening when you feel comfortable.
You can also reach out after seeing only one of the signs above, if you’d like, or just to be kind. “Remember, even people who are surrounded by many others can feel lonely,” Dr. Kelley adds. “Especially in instances of depression, grief, trauma and neurodiversity.”
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5 Ways To Support a Lonely Person
1. Be mindful of how you show up and speak to them
More specifically, Dr. Kelley encourages approaching the person with care, empathizing with them, not judging or pushing them to do something they don’t want to do, and not “should”ing them.
2. Ask what they enjoy and try it with them
Spending time with someone after a period of loneliness can be nerve-wracking, but you can try to reduce any nervousness they feel.
“To help them stay comfortable in their comfort zone, ask them what they enjoy doing and jump in with them to explore their interest or hobby,” Dr. Abrishami says. “Just be sure to participate without judgment, since allowing someone to join them could be a vulnerable act.”
Related: What To Do When You Feel Lonely—These Expert-Recommended Tips Might Just Help You Feel Better
3. Ask to hang out or include them in plans
Being invited and feeling included feels incredible, right? Even if you can’t go, you feel loved.
Don’t forget that.
“Try to remember not to leave them off the invite list just because they normally say no,” Dr. Kelley says. “When they are ready, they will definitely take you up on your offer.”
4. Try “pebbling”
Pebbling is the act of sending someone a small something (like a funny meme or TikTok) to show them you’re thinking of them.
Dr. Abrishami loves the idea. “I always encourage people to start small and act often, rather than waiting to stage a big intervention when things seem dire,” she adds.
Related: 8 Subtle Signs Your Dog Is Lonely, According to Pet Behaviorists
5. Keep it light
You don’t have to get super deep and personal to support someone who’s facing loneliness. In fact, that may have the opposite effect.
“When it comes to talking about loneliness, you should use your best judgment to determine how to best approach the conversation,” Dr. Abrishami says. “Getting in a long, in-depth conversation about socializing and loneliness is more likely to deter someone from engaging with you or others in the future.”
She encourages keeping conversations light and social, avoiding any prying questions. However, if the person wants to open up, she says, listen with compassion and understanding.
Keeping all these reminders and tips in mind is vital for your well-being and other people’s.
“When you step out of your comfort zone to reach out to someone else,” Dr. Abrishami concludes, "you're spreading a little more kindness in the world—and potentially even changing someone’s perspective.”
Up Next:
Related: 125 Quotes To Show Your BFF How Much Their Friendship Means to You
Sources
Dr. Amelia Kelley, PhD, a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher and author
Dr. Golee Abrishami, PhD, psychologist
Annual Public Opinion Polls, American Psychiatric Association
Facts and statistics about loneliness, Campaign to End Loneliness
