Yahoo Lifestyle 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be a Narcissist, Psychologists Warn
Have you ever watched a movie or TV show featuring a narcissistic character—someone who seems self-absorbed, manipulative or constantly seeking validation—and suddenly realized that their behaviors and mindset seem familiar? Maybe you caught yourself thinking, "Wait, do I do that too?" It’s a jarring moment that can leave you questioning your actions, thoughts and attitude in ways you hadn’t before, wondering, "Am I a narcissist?" Suddenly, what seemed like harmless confidence or self-assurance might feel more like a reflection of something darker.
To gain deeper insight into narcissism and its complexities, we reached out to psychologists Dr. Jaime Zuckerman and Dr. Noëlle Santorelli. Together, they break down everything from the common traits of a narcissist, if someone can gaslight you into believing you are narcissist, what signs you can look out for and more. That way, you can reflect on your own behaviors and see if they align with narcissism or something else entirely.
Related: 8 Things a Narcissist Absolutely Hates, According to a Psychologist
'Am I a Narcissist?'
Everyone has times when they question their actions and behaviors. However, when it comes to whether or not you’re a narcissist or not, our experts reveal you’re most likely not one if the thought has ever crossed your mind.
“If you are wondering if you are the narcissist in the relationship, it is likely that you are not,” Zuckerman tells Parade. “I always tell people if they are concerned that they are a narcissist and spend time pondering this—it is more likely than not that they are not a narcissist because narcissists rarely engage in self-reflection, nor do they spend time contemplating other’s feelings.”
She says it is possible for people to have narcissistic characteristics, though.
“Someone can have narcissistic features that arise in particular situations, but not necessarily as a pervasive pattern of interacting with the world,” Zuckerman explains. “Typically, people with narcissistic traits will be much less extreme than those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
Santorelli agrees, adding, “It’s important to remember that we can all have narcissistic tendencies at times, but a ‘true’ narcissist does not ask themselves if they are in fact a narcissist, as they would not necessarily have the desire or ability to self-reflect on their own behaviors in that way. However, if you have heard yourself or your behavior described as ‘narcissistic’ multiple times and in multiple different relationships it may be worth getting an outside or professional opinion.”
Can Anyone Be a Narcissist?
In short, yes. “There are different theories as to how NPD develops in people,” Zuckerman tells Parade. “One theory is that it’s biological, meaning a person is born with a predisposition to a particular temperament. Other theories say it is the result of actual brain differences/abnormalities. There is also the theory that NPD occurs because of one’s developmental experiences, specifically their relationships with primary caregivers. Typically, a chaotic and unpredictable childhood characterized by physical or sexual abuse, neglect, substance use, or emotional and psychological abuse can lead a child to develop a personality disorder later in life, like NPD.”
Related: This Is the #1 Response a Narcissist Cannot Stand, According to Psychologists
Am I a Narcissist or Is My Relationship Toxic?
“While it is true that people can act differently in alternative relationships due to different dynamics, if you find yourself asking if you are a narcissist, you should also consider things like the patterns in your behavior [and] how you feel in your relationship, and reflect on your intentions,” Santorelli says. “For instance, narcissism involves an extreme tendency to prioritize oneself oftentimes at the expense of others. If you’re truly trying to understand and improve the relationship as well as questioning your role in the dynamic, it’s likely that you’re more concerned with taking ownership than a true narcissist typically would be.”
She goes on to say, “If you are also constantly feeling emotionally drained, anxious or insecure because of manipulative, controlling or belittling behaviors, you may actually be in a toxic relationship. If these dynamics are coming largely from your partner, then the relationship itself may be to blame rather than narcissistic tendencies on your part.”
Why Do I Feel Like I’m the Narcissist in My Relationship?
“People can display toxic relationship patterns and not be narcissists,” Zuckerman points out. “While on the surface, some behaviors may appear similar—like being sensitive to criticism—the actual function of these behaviors are inherently different.”
Related: 10 Classic Mind Games Narcissists Play in a Relationship, According to Psychologists
Am I Being Gaslit To Believe I’m the Narcissist in My Relationship?
Believe it or not, it is possible that someone you’re in a relationship with can be making you believe that you are a narcissist when you really aren’t. Psychologists say there are a couple different reasons for this. The first being that your partner can call you a narcissist without really knowing what it really means.
“Unfortunately, due to a greater access to mental health information online and on social media, many people are unfairly called a ‘narcissist’ by others in relationships,” Santorelli shares. “Because of this, the other person may not be gaslighting you, but may actually believe that these behaviors are indicative of narcissism. However, they are not skilled enough to make that distinction.”
On the other hand, your partner may make you believe you’re the narcissist in the relationship when they are actually the narcissist themselves.
“Often, within a narcissistic abusive relationship, the narcissist will shift blame onto the other person, and gaslight and manipulate them into thinking they are the problem,” Zuckerman reveals. “That causes the other person to begin to doubt their own perception of themselves and the relationship. When that happens, they have been manipulated into the narrative the narcissist has created. It is important that those in a narcissistic abusive relationship understand that the abuse is not their fault.”
Related: 35 Common Gaslighting Phrases in Relationships and How To Respond, According to Therapists
4 Signs of Being Gaslit by Your Partner
1. They Make You Think You’re Imagining Things
“Your partner may do this by replying ‘I never said that’ in response to a prior agreement or promise they had made to you,” Zuckerman says.
2. They Twist Events To Make You Seem Selfish
“Someone who is gaslighting you might regularly reinterpret past events and say that you acted selfishly or insensitively when that was not your intent and it was a true oversight or mistake,” Santorelli notes. “Over time, these accusations can make you doubt your own actions, leading you to question your intent.”
3. They Turn a Situation on You
“For example, if you find inappropriate text messages on your partner’s phone, then bring it to their attention, and they come back saying something about how you’re crazy and insecure, and how they can’t believe you went through their phone, they’re gaslighting you,” Zuckerman states.
4. They Routinely Call Normative Behaviors 'Narcissistic'
“If someone is calling you a narcissist every time you prioritize yourself, assert yourself or set your own boundaries, they are gaslighting you,” Santorelli says. “In a healthy relationship, boundaries are respected, but a gaslighter will try to make you feel guilty for standing up for yourself.”
How Do I Know if I'm the Narcissistic One?
According to Zuckerman and Santorelli, you’re likely not a narcissist if you’re worried that you may be labeled as one or if you can acknowledge when you respond in an unhealthy way, or if you feel guilt when you end up causing pain to someone you love and you want to be better.
“Someone with NPD will not see a problem with their actions,” Zuckerman states. “They will not lack empathy and remorse, and have no intention of changing.”
5 Signs You Might Be a Narcissist, According to Psychologists
1. You Have Difficulty Maintaining Close Relationships
“A narcissist will most likely have a history of conflict and fall-outs in relationships,” Santorelli says. “This is most likely due to their lack of self-reflection and observation and the other person feeling emotionally drained or controlled.”
2. You Isolate Your Partner
“A narcissist will socially isolate their partner from friends and family,” Zuckerman warns, saying this is done slowly over time.
“They may do so by saying they don’t trust their friends or think their partner’s parents are too controlling,” she adds.
3. You Center Conversations Around Yourself
“Narcissists will always steer conversations back to their own experiences or achievements and sometimes struggle to stay genuinely engaged when someone else is the focus,” Santorelli reveals.
4. You Financially Abuse Your Partner
“A narcissist will refuse to provide banking account info and passwords to their partner as a means to control all the money in the relationship,” Zuckerman shares.
5. You Lack Empathy
“Someone who is a narcissist will overlook others' emotions, needs, or boundaries, focusing instead on how to get their own needs met,” Santorelli points out.
How To Move Forward
Our experts say to keep in mind that if someone is truly a narcissist, they will likely not seek out help.
“Someone with NPD will not accept this as a diagnosis, often dismissing or angrily disagreeing that they are a narcissist because they do not view their behaviors as hurtful or problematic, shifting blame onto those around them,” Zuckerman tells Parade. “Rarely do they present for treatment, and if they do, it is often short lived, especially if called out on their problematic patterns.”
Santorelli seconds that, saying, “If someone has a true [NPD] diagnosis, it will be unlikely they will see change without the help of a mental health professional.”
However, if someone is just hoping to reduce narcissistic traits they have, she explains that is possible with a little work.
“They can practice self-awareness and self-reflection, as well as make a conscious effort to try and understand a situation from the other person’s perspective,” she says. “They can also try to reflect on what is being said and find the ‘kernel of truth’ in the criticism or feedback they receive.”
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Sources
Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, psychologist
Dr. Noëlle Santorelli, psychologist
