These 22 Surprising Habits Make You 'Instantly Unlikeable,' Psychologists Say

"Find friends who love you just the way you are" is common and well-meaning advice. Psychologists agree that you shouldn't make like a chameleon and change to blend in with the crowd. However, no one is perfect, and a little self-reflection and personal development can go a long way in fine-tuning social graces.

While likability isn't everything, it counts for something if your behaviors are affecting people's physical and mental health and personal space. Psychologists are sharing 22 surprising habits that make you "instantly unlikable"—and some are relatively common. They also share their top tip for becoming more likable and building genuine, in-real-life connections. 

Related: 22 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Warn

22 Habits That Make You 'Instantly Unlikable,' Psychologists Reveal

1. Constant interrupting

This one is a personal pet peeve of Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.

"Constantly interrupting can make others feel disregarded, as it shows you’re more interested in sharing your thoughts than listening to theirs," Dr. McGeehan says. "People crave being seen, and conversation is about a back-and-forth sharing of information."

2. One-upping others' stories

While the Olympics constantly adds new events, water cooler discussions about weekend plans are not currently under consideration.

"When you constantly try to out-do someone’s experiences with your own, it is going to give the appearance that you aren’t interested in actually hearing what they have to say," Dr. McGeehan says. "This naturally is going to cause someone to be less interested in continuing a conversation because humans naturally want to be understood."

3. Humblebragging

You might have heard this one in passing or on social media, but what does humblebragging actually mean?

"This is when you hide bragging about things within complaints, which can appear insincere and as if you’re looking for validation," says Dr. Dakari Quimby, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook.

4. Poor listening skills

Psychologists say it's important to listen—really listen—when people talk.

"Not actively listening, such as frequently changing the topic or not responding appropriately, shows a lack of empathy and respect, reducing emotional connection," Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services.

Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists

5. Not making eye contact

Gentle eye contact is a non-verbal cue you're sincere, whether you're talking or listening.

"If you avoid eye contact, it might look like you’re not interested or are lying about what you’re saying," Dr. Quimby says.

6. Poor body language

The eyes may be a window to the soul (or so they say), but they don't tell the whole story.

"If you slouch a lot, cross your arms often, or excessively fidget, it could hint at disinterest," Dr. Quimby says.

Notably, Dr. Quimby adds some people display poor body language because of mental health issues, like anxiety or low self-esteem. So, if you notice someone showing these signs, try to be kind.

Related: 11 Signs You Might Be 'Socially Inept,' According to Psychologists

7. Checking your phone mid-conversation

You might make more friends scratching your nails on a chalkboard or using the word "moist."

"Looking at your phone while someone is talking can appear disrespectful unless it’s coupled with a caveat such as 'I’m waiting to hear from my child’s school' or 'I’m expecting a call from the doctor’s office and will have to take it,'" Dr. McGeehan says. "Otherwise, you can appear bored and uninterested by putting your attention in a place other than the conversation."

8. Using excessive sarcasm or humor to deflect

A good sense of humor is a positive trait (and some people may lean into sarcasm for laughs). However, it can go too far.

"Excessive use of jokes or sarcasm is typically a sign of deflecting a serious topic and emotional immaturity," Dr. McGeehan says. "Even if a person can’t identify why they don’t enjoy being around someone who is emotionally immature, they typically steer clear because they tend to prefer genuine relationships."

9. Saying 'yes' too much

Dr. McGeehan often tells clients, "If you always say yes, then you never say yes."

"Always agreeing with others is a sign of not knowing your own mind or being afraid of not having any friends," Dr. McGeehan explains. "Most people tend to avoid people who are desperate for relationships because, at its core, people-pleasing is manipulation."

Dr. McGeehan says people want genuine relationships and to get to know the real you.

Related: 9 Phrases To Use Instead of Automatically Saying Yes, According to Psychologists

10. Only talking about yourself

People want to get to know you, but they don't want every conversation to be all about you.

"Self-centered conversations make it seem like you’re uninterested in others, leading people to feel ignored or undervalued," Dr. McGeehan says.

11. Lack of respect for space

We live in a world where you can share anything and everything on social media, and some people do. However, boundaries are important.

"Invading someone’s personal space can make you seem inconsiderate," Dr. Quimby says. "If you continue to disrespect others’ space and comfort zones, it can make you come off as disrespectful and inconsiderate."

12. Chronic lateness or flaking

Yes, things happen. No, they don't happen all the time.

"Being late a few times here and there makes sense," Dr. McGeehan says. "We’re all human, but consistently being late can communicate disrespect for another person’s time, which is not a likable quality."

Related: 14 Phrases That Make You Sound 'Instantly Uptight,' According to Etiquette Experts

13. Not RSVPing

If someone sends an invite, psychologists say the polite thing to do is let them know either way.

"Disregarding invites or requests and not responding to a social invitation can make people feel unimportant and like you are being dismissive," says Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry. "This habit makes it less likely they will invite you in the future."

14. Chronic negativity

Life is hard, and the world is, well, you know. However, people don't always want to sit in negativity. 

"It’s one thing to be honest when someone asks how you are doing, and it’s another to be a black hole that pulls everyone in toward your own complaints," Dr. McGeehan says. "People navigate away from people who will consistently focus on the negative and can’t seem to find a silver lining."

Dr. Quimby absolutely, positively agrees.

"Focusing only on the negatives in situations can drain energy from conversations and make time spent together less enjoyable," he says.

15. Toxic positivity

While psychologists suggest avoiding chronic negativity, forcing positivity at the wrong time can also rub people the wrong way.

"If you overly focus on the silver lining and disregard someone’s experience, they will pull away from you," Dr. McGeehan says. "People want to feel seen and heard in their relationships. If you cannot tolerate holding space for someone and allow them to show up as they are, people will eventually pull away from you."

16. Oversharing

A vent session here and there is fine, but know your audience. A new acquaintance may not wish to hear about relationship drama with an ex or your digestive issues.

"If you are just developing a relationship with someone and then oversharing personal problems, demonstrating a lack of boundaries, people tend to be turned off by this behavior," Dr. McGeehan says. "This can be a flag to another person that you are emotionally immature."

17. Being too blunt

Honesty? Good. Blunt to the point of meanness? Bluntly, people may take offense.

"There is something to be said for being tactful when you are sharing hard truths and discerning whether this information needs to be shared in the first place," Dr. McGeehan says.

She recommends avoiding honesty for the sake of shock value and considering how the information may be received—there may be a less hurtful way to convey the same point.

18. Making frequent jokes at others' expense

Dr. McGeehan says this unlikable habit often stems from challenges developing healthy emotional intimacy and personal insecurities. However: "Understandably, people do not like being projected onto and gravitate toward people who build them up, not tear them down," Dr. McGeehan says.

Related: 5 Unexpected Signs *You* Might Be the Toxic One in a Relationship—Plus, How To Break Free From the Behaviors

19. Common courtesy

Our world has advanced, but basic manners like thanking people for holding the door still apply.

"Forgetting to express gratitude for common courtesies such as opening the door can make you seem entitled or indifferent, which can be off-putting," Dr. McGeehan says.

20. Excessive self-deprecation

Being able to laugh at yourself is a great skill to have. However, like many "good things," there's such a thing as too much of it.

"While a little humility is endearing, constantly putting yourself down can make others uncomfortable or burdened with the task of reassurance, potentially leading to frustration and disengagement," Dr. Frank says.

21. Gossiping

Leave the tea in the cup where it belongs.

"Regularly spreading rumors about others can lead to a rapid erosion of trust, as individuals may worry that their own information isn't safe with someone who participates in such behavior," Dr. Frank says.

22. Constantly telling white lies

White lies can often be an attempt to avoid discomfort or make someone feel good. However, it's not genuine.

"Even small lies can undermine relationships, as trust is difficult to rebuild once broken, causing others to hesitate to rely on or confide in you," Dr. Frank says.

Constructive, compassionately-given feedback can build relationships and trust.

Related: 11 Surprising Phrases That Make You 'Instantly Likable,' Psychologists Say

The No. 1 Tip For Becoming More Likable

If you want to become more likable, fine-tune active listening skills.

"The quickest way to improve your likability is to truly listen to others," Dr. McGeehan explains. "This means giving people your undivided attention with eye contact and without distractions, responding thoughtfully based on what you have heard them say and asking follow-up questions."

She says active listening builds trust and fosters authentic connections.

"It's lighting up those mirror neurons and giving the experience of letting someone know they matter," Dr. McGeehan continues. "All of these qualities lead to you being more likable."

Dr. Schiff agrees.

"People want to feel seen, heard and valued," Dr. Schiff says. "Active listening will not only foster a positive connection but also make you seem more likable."

Up Next: 

Related: A Psychologist Is Begging You To Stop Using These 2 Phrases at the End of an Argument

Sources:

• Dr. Brittany McGeehan, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist

• Dr. Dakari Quimby, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist for HelpGuide Handbook

• Dr. Joel Frank, Psy.D., a licensed psychologist with Duality Psychological Services

• Dr. Holly Schiff, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist with South County Psychiatry.