Yahoo Lifestyle Women Are Revealing The Things Guys Think Are A "Compliment" That Actually Made Them Feel Unsafe, And Men, You Should Take Notes
Women, raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by a man playing off creepiness or harassment off as "What! It was just a compliment" or "I didn't mean any harm by it." Or, my favorite, making themselves the victim: "Geez, we can't even give a compliment anymore!"
(Well, no. Not when it's unwanted, sexually charged, or something you'd probably not say or do to your mother, daughter, or another man.)
Recently, women shared some of these things guys do that they think are "normal" but actually make women feel wildly unsafe. In the comments and resulting discussion, countless other stories emerged of men who thought they were being charming or helpful but were, in reality, coming across as unsettling or downright creepy.
Unfortunately, I found the stories relatable and thought they'd perhaps be helpful to hear for men taking notes. So, here are some of the stories shared:
1."I was at a concert by myself, minding my own business and enjoying the show, when the guy beside me put his hand on my lower back to get my attention. I almost jumped out of my skin and probably made a face at him. His response was, 'You should smile. You're way too pretty not to be having fun.' I made an excuse to get him to stop talking and avoided my seat as much as possible for the rest of the show because I didn't feel comfortable staying there."
—Anonymous
2."I work in a male-dominated field, so most customers don't expect to see a woman at the job site. You try to dress for the weather, but sometimes you get hot and remove your hoodie or coat. I've had several male customers make comments asking when I'm going to take the rest of my clothes off. Of course, they never say this in front of their wives or to the other men I'm working with."
—Anonymous
3."We had a carpenter working in my house who made me very uncomfortable, wanting hugs and bothering me when he should have been working. I told my husband and 23-year-old son, and to my horror, they both said, 'He was probably just being friendly.'"
"I said, 'In the 30 years we have been together, how many times have I complained about a guy making me uncomfortable?' 'None,' he said. 'Yet when I do, your default is to DEFEND him?' We had some serious conversations after this, both with my husband and my son. And I refused to be at the house the rest of the time the carpenter was there."
"I guarantee that same worker never asked the men in the house for a hug."
4."Old men talking about how pretty you are or how pretty younger women are. I had a patient joke to my younger female coworker to update him if 'the sex changed' after she was married. That's just sick. The same patient asked me if I wanted to go skinny dipping with him. I finally told him that if he didn't feel comfortable making these comments with my mom, dad, or husband present, then don't say it."
—Anonymous
5."Here is the bad news. That inappropriate, thoughtless behavior from men that says 'ICK' and is, sometimes, downright scary? It doesn't even stop when you get old. For some reason, I always thought it would improve when I was old. I am 67! I had a young man painting in my home just a few weeks ago. I live alone. This guy was in his 20s and simply never stopped talking. He was painting the bedroom where I have a large, full-size antique mirror up against one of the walls. He points to it and says, 'I can move this nearer to the bed so when you are having sex, you can watch yourself.' WHAT? I was so shocked I just looked at him, thinking he could not have just possibly said that!"
"Then he went in front of the mirror and gyrated back and forth and then did a thumbs up in the mirror to himself. He said, 'I always have one in my bedroom positioned just right. The ladies love it.' I was still speechless and just stared at him. I could not think of one thing to say. He made other very weird remarks that day about sex and never seemed to notice it might be weird things to say to a woman who lives alone, no matter what age they are. One remark was that he bet my boobs had stayed perky even though I was old, and the guys in the neighborhood probably loved it!"
(Cont'd) "When he left for the day, I called the owner of the painting business and told him I had changed my mind and I would pay for the work already done, but not to send him back to finish the job. Then I had to worry that the painter guy would get mad at me for basically firing him and come back and yell at me."
"It happens a little less frequently as you get older, but it still happens. I just don't get it. Why do men say these things and do these things? I think sometimes they know exactly what they are doing, but other times, I am sure it isn't something they even think about. They don't get how terrifying it can be. It seems to transcend generations and start when you are very young and never end."
—Anonymous
6."My former husband thought it was hilarious to scare me. He would peek inside the shower curtain and startle me and laugh. He stopped that after I nearly slipped in the tub. Once, he put a chip clip on my nipple when I was getting dressed. It hurts like hell. I told him I would put one in his testicles if he thought it was so funny. He hated when people startled him, but apparently, I was fair game."
7."In 2017, I was driving a new friend back to school after being out for lunch, and he started catcalling a girl from our school while in my car. I hate confrontation, but I had to shut that shit down right away. He thought I was joking and was shocked when I told him I wasn't. He was in his early 30s at the time."
8."Once, when my nephew was a baby, my sister and I went to a local food fair. My nephew was asleep in his stroller, and my sister was fussing about the sun possibly burning him. Out of nowhere, unprompted, some guy says, 'I just love that peaches and cream skin on babies.' WTF. We commented loudly amongst ourselves about how creepy that was, so he must have heard us. Don't know if he got the message, though."
—Amt
9."In my early 20s, I was at a bar with a friend and her boyfriend, and they were introducing me to a friend of theirs. We had a fun night hanging out, and their friend seemed like a nice enough guy. But then he ended up following me home, which freaked me out. I worked for a college and lived in an apartment around the corner from the local police station. So, I parked in front of the police station and got out to talk to him through the passenger window and basically said, 'WTF?!'"
"Of course, under no circumstances was I going to drive to my house with him following me and told him so. I truly don't think he meant me harm. I can't remember if he said he wanted to see that I got home safely, but either way, he learned an important lesson that night about how frightening following a woman home can be."
—Anonymous
10."Two situations come to mind. One time, we had to have our internet worked on by a technician. I was alone in the apartment. After he finished working on our WiFi, as he was packing up his stuff, he asked me out. I had no idea what to do. I wasn't interested, but I was also well aware that this man was alone with me in my house, and even if nothing happened at that moment, he knew my name, where I lived, and, thanks to the contact info I had to give the internet company, he had my phone number."
"Eventually, I got him to leave, and when I called customer service to report the incident, it became clear that not only was the person not sure what to do, but even though they told me they would escalate it up the chain of command, they intended to do nothing. I never heard from them again about it. For him, maybe he was just shooting his shot, but all I could think about was what he would do if he didn't like my answer."
11.(Cont'd) "The other situation was when I was getting on the train. A man who was much bigger than me sat very close to me on a nearly empty train. He started talking to me, even though I did not acknowledge it and had my headphones in. He started poking my arm. I was trying to ignore him because I didn't want to give him a reaction or engage."
"When I got up to get off at my stop, he followed me, got in front of me, and started trying to block my way. I yelled at him to leave me alone and got around him eventually, but I still think about how scared I was with no one else around. He just seemed to think it was all fun. Meanwhile, I was thinking about what self-defense mechanisms I had available if he tried to grab me."
—Anonymous
12."I can't tell you how many times I've heard guys bragging about how they used to be a 'fuckboy' and use women for sex, or they used to cheat on their partners all the time, or they used to be abusive to their partners… but then they had a daughter, and they realized that those women are somebody's daughter too. So, now they're a 'changed man.' Lololol, sorry, buddy. That doesn't mean to us what you think it means. I don't want anything to do with a man who didn't see women as humans until after he had a daughter."
—Anonymous
13."I was grocery shopping, and an older man (70s) made some chitchat with me in line. He was mostly bragging about previously running a grocery store and how much better he ran it than this store, how much his employees loved him, etc. Then he followed me out to my car, continued talking as I loaded groceries, and blocked the cart when I tried to walk off. He kept saying how mad his wife would be that he was 'hanging out' with me for so long."
"I repeatedly told him my husband and kids were waiting for me at home and that I had to leave. I'm sorry if you are a lonely older man looking for conversation with strangers, but you need to learn social cues and what is appropriate. I had to just get in the car and drive off. He didn't leave my parking space until after I backed out."
14."When they hit on you and then block your path. I've had men 'compliment' me and then stand in front of a doorway/sidewalk/path so I can't escape. I can either touch them to get by or respond to their comment awkwardly. Still haven't figured out how to navigate that one."
—Anonymous
15."My son-in-law hired three guys to come to my apartment to pick up a fridge for him. One of the guys looked out my balcony door and commented that he 'bet no one could see into the apartment.' He then told me I had pretty hair. I immediately opened the apartment door and stood there outside until they took out the fridge."
"When they got into the hallway, the creepy guy who complimented my hair said he left his phone on my kitchen counter. Bad vibe alert. I told him he was welcome to go ahead and get it. After they left, I noticed they had taken the drawer out of the fridge and left it inside. I put it outside and locked my door. I was so creeped out."
–Anonymous
16."I had a guy come over to give me an estimate for painting the interior of my house. He noticed my pool out back, said it was pretty, and asked if he could check it out. I thought maybe he'd put his feet in, but NO! He proceeded to quickly take off all his clothes and get into the pool NAKED. I stood there, frozen, and let him swim. I'm sure he thought I'd join him... then he got dressed (disappointed, I'm sure) and went on his way. Needless to say, he did not get the job."
—Anonymous
17."Okay, I have a contractor story that's equal parts terrifying and hilarious. I hired this man to install two doors. It took three days. I'm friendly and talked to him, and on the final day, he asked if I would like to be 'platonic friends.' You can't have too many friends, so I said sure. During our first text conversation after that, I knew I made a mistake. He claimed he didn't get a picture of my one door closed and would like one because it was a difficult kind of door."
"He had the other pictures, so I figured he was trying to talk to me, so all I did was take the picture. He told me I was his hero. I sent a very silly gif of Batman dancing to ruin any sexiness. He said, 'Oh no, Batman, that's too sexy!' I sent an even sillier GIF of Adam West as Batman, once again, trying to be clear — this is silly. He invited me to a fire. I knew I wasn't going alone, so I said if my tall, male neighbor could come, I would."
(Cont'd) "I decided later in the week I was uncomfortable no matter what and canceled. He said, 'It's probably better anyway. It's a 'yiff party' weekend, and they get weird about strangers.' I very naively said, 'I don't know what a yiff is.' He said, and I quote, 'It's when a bunch of furries get together and fuck.' THIS MAN ASKED TO BE PLATONIC FRIENDS AND THEM INVITED ME TO A FURRY ORGY!! Yes, it is hilarious, and I tell everyone, but it's also terrifying because he installed my front door. I wonder all of the time if Mr. Platonic Friends made a copy of my key and comes in and steals my underwear."
"To be clear, I have nothing against furries. If you use the word 'platonic' and then immediately follow it with an orgy invite, you're either not playing with a full deck, or you're trying to be manipulative."
18."A random guy once called out to me at university. I had just finished saying goodbye to a friend, and I guess I looked 'friendly'? Anyways. First, I ignored the 'hey' call because maybe it wasn't for me, AND if it were for me, it would have been a stranger I didn't care about. But he continued, so I stopped. He right away started asking questions about me. Where am I from? What's my name? What am I studying? And I was fine answering that, but he wouldn't answer any of my questions about him."
"Then he asked if I would like to 'keep in touch,' as in getting my number. Mind you, I am a very masc-presenting lesbian. This guy was barking up all the wrong trees. I said, 'Why?' which took him by surprise. He said because he would like to keep in touch. To which I said, 'Why?' Now he was stumped. Because he did not understand the implied no, I started to feel uneasy, but I knew I needed to stand my ground. I told him, 'Look, I will not give you my contact because I don't see the point in that. But feel free to say hello if you see me around campus.' And with that, I left."
And lastly:
19."No man should be assumed to be 'safe' if his behavior suggests otherwise. In 1977, I was walking three blocks home from a train station to my apartment in a suburb of Philadelphia about 11:30 at night. I passed stores and an opening where the street accessed the parking lot in the back. As I continued walking past the shops, there was little traffic, and I casually saw a police car pass by (should be comforting, right?). A moment later, I heard a man's voice in a hissing whisper behind me say, 'Girl, hey girl.' The voice and its intonation set off every internal alarm imaginable."
"I turned and saw the police car coming out from the access road. It then came up alongside me — on the wrong side of the highway. 'Do you need a ride home?' he asked. I never broke stride and said 'No,' firmly, several times. A car was coming down the road by then, and he drove off. I reported the behavior to an older officer a week later. Something about the encounter I could not let go. He dismissed it as being a genuine concern. In the week or two following that conversation, police were called to the scene of a woman's body behind a church. When they rolled her over, there was a police badge attached to her clothing, presumably snagged in the struggle. A young cop was arrested, charged, and convicted. Bottom line, we should honor our instincts."
—Anonymous
Do you have any other examples to share? Let us know in the comments or at this anonymous form.
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger as a result of domestic violence, call 911. For anonymous, confidential help, you can call the 24/7 National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or chat with an advocate via the website.
If you or someone you know has experienced anti-LGBTQ violence or harassment, you can contact the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs hotline at 1-212-714-1141.
