17 Spot-On Lines About Womanhood From Ali Wong

AliWongis 42, divorced and thriving. Apart from her solo-and-fabulous status, her wit about these aspects of her life places her in a class of her own. I became obsessed with Wong after seeing her in the drama series “Beef” and in her rom-com “Always Be My Maybe” (which she also produced and wrote), but it wasn’t until I dove into her stand-up specials on Netflix that I realized comedy is her first and actual claim to fame.

Wong’s shows were not what I expected, but they were everything I needed without knowing it. Onstage, she’s unapologetically vulgar and crass, long the purview of many a female comedian, yet she simultaneously manages to bring an air of sophistication to her dick jokes.

Through it all, her ability to highlight and explore the most unsavory parts of dating, marriage and motherhood is revolutionary because she says the things we’re thinking — in the most colorful, painfully hilarious way possible. Her Netflix specials span her 2016 debut, “Baby Cobra,” through her latest, “Single Lady,” released on Oct. 8, in which she gets real about the distinct stages of womanhood.

So, in honor of Wong’s continuous evolution, I rounded up her most savage lines (with very little context, so you’re tempted to watch the new special and treat yourself to a little laughter), from her happily-married-with-new-baby-stage to her radiant divorceé era.

• “You gotta make this dude believe your body is a secret garden when really it’s a public park.” — “Baby Cobra”

• “I don’t feed my husband out of the goodness of my heart. I do it as an investment in my financial future.” — “Baby Cobra”

• “I think feminism is the worst thing that ever happened to women. Our job used to be no job. We had it so good. ” — “Baby Cobra”

• “A lot of women get really freaked out about anal. You ain’t scared of the pain. What you’re really scared of is doo doo on the dick.” — “Baby Cobra”

• “For three months, I was walking around my house with a top knot, giant diaper, nipples bleeding. Like a defeated sumo wrestler.” — “Baby Cobra”

• “He took me to see Beyoncé. He bought me a bike off of Craigslist — that’s my miscarriage bike and I love it very much.” — “Baby Cobra”

• “I can tell I’m getting older because my immediate thought when I see an 18-year-old girl is fuck you.” — “Baby Cobra”

• “If you haven’t licked ass yet, grow up and learn how to be in a long-term, committed, lasting relationship where you have to make sacrifices for the greater good.” — “Hard Knock Wife”

• “Maternity leave is for new moms to hide and heal their demolished-ass bodies.” — “Hard Knock Wife”

• “Our nanny is 62 years old. Yes, I would never accept anything younger than 62 years old.” — “Hard Knock Wife”

• “Bro-y dudes become bro-y dads; I’m the same piece of shit that I always was before I became a mom, now with just more responsibility, and I’m barely rising to the occasion.” — “Hard Knock Wife”

• “When a woman sleeps with a man right away, it’s not because we don’t respect ourselves, it’s because we don’t respect you.” — “Hard Knock Wife”

• “Now I’m in monogamy jail and I don’t know how to get out.” — “Don Wong”

• “I want to have it all. I want to have a family, a career, and a side piece.” — “Don Wong”

• “A divorced mom just wants to get dicked down.” — “Single Lady”

• “Communicate? That’s married people shit, OK? I’m retired from that.”— “Single Lady”

• “One woman’s trash is another woman’s trained trash.” — “Single Lady”