17 Lessons Dumb Men Need To Learn Before Their Partner Gets Pregnant

Take no offense at being called dumb men, my dudes! Having watched my wife go through pregnancy multiple times, I can assure you that when it comes to pregnancy, we're all dumb (make that VERY DUMB) before we've watched it unfold before our very eyes!

Jeff Daniels smiling as Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber

Above is a visual representation of what all men look like when their partner tells them they're pregnant: blissfully ignorant of exactly what lies ahead.

New Line Cinema

But you're in luck, gentlemen! I am here to tell you a little bit about what to expect...and, more importantly, some of what you're NOT THE HELL TO DO under any circumstances! Got it? Pencils ready? OK, here we go!

1.At some point, your partner will run to the supermarket for dinner — as this 39-weeks-pregnant wife did here — and come back with something like this. For your own sake, be chill and DO NOT make a big deal about it. My advice? Sit down as if it's totally normal and eat a bowl of dinner ice cream.

Tubs of ice cream and a box of ice cream cones

2.Food, as you may be figuring out, is very important to a pregnant person. Usually they will crave a very specific thing, and getting something that's "almost" what they wanted, or "nearly the same thing," won't cut it. For example, if your pregnant partner asks for cheese fries, do NOT be like the dude below and bring back this sad spectacle:

Fries and slices of unmelted American cheese on the side in a takeout container

3.Your partner will joke around with friends — like this woman who sent a shot of her pregnant belly to her sister, who responded with a shot of her own belly. THEY will find this funny. This is a joke between THEM. But YOU, my fellow dumb man, are not to find this funny. Do not even comment on it! Your best bet is to change the subject immediately by offering your partner a foot rub.

Selfies showing a pregnant belly and a very flat one

4.I wouldn't recommend commenting on cards like this from your partner's friends, either!

Card message: "heard you're pregnant" and "whore"

5.Similarly, your partner's friends can send them books like this and they will think it's hilarious. But if YOU bring home a book like this, your partner will not find it funny. Trust me.

Book title: "7 proven methods to help you screw up your kids"

6.Basically, be careful what you joke about. Yes, this woman's American Psycho shirt looks funny bunched up over her pregnant belly, but cackling, "Whoa! Your T-shirt looks so weird 'cause you're pregnant!" will not get the response you're expecting.

Woman wearing an "American Psycho" T-shirt showing his open mouth stretched over the bump

7.That is not to say your pregnant partner won't have a sense of humor! They most likely will (just like the wife who sent her husband the meme below about her pregnancy craving). The two of you will likely laugh a LOT throughout the pregnancy, but it's a stressful time, and not everything is funny.

Close-up of baked chocolate fudge and s'more cookies and a hungry-looking cat with caption "heavy breathing"

8.But there will be laughs...just as there surely were when this wife took a photo of her pregnant belly with her doggo's feet poking out:

Shot taken from above, showing the paws barely visible below the pregnant belly

9.And if your partner is pregnant over Halloween, there will be opportunities for hilarious costumes, like this one:

Pregnant person wearing a Kool-Aid man's face on a shirt for Halloween with "Oh yeah" dialogue bubble emerging from the mouth, along with pieces of a brick wall on either side of the stomach

10.Sometimes your partner will be funny without realizing it, too, like when this pregnant woman tried to surprise her husband, but her belly gave her away:

Woman hiding behind an open door in a kitchen, but her belly is visible just beyond it

11.Your partner will probably go through a nesting phase, where they do EVERYTHING to get ready for the baby. This will involve some normal, pedestrian things — like putting the baby room together — and also some questionable ones, like practicing swaddling on your pet:

A tightly swaddled cat lying on a couch

12.And practicing diaper changes on your pet too:

A chonky cat on its back wearing a diaper

13.If you haven't realized it by now, your partner WILL get mad at you at some point during the pregnancy. It's a stressful time, the pregnancy hormones are real, and let's face it — you'll undoubtedly have moments when you act like an insensitive, clueless dolt. So if they send you something like this, take it in stride:

Page from a book describing how in an Indian tribe, the father-to-be would sit above the wife in labor with a rope tied around his testicles so she could tug on the rope during each painful contraction so he could feel her pain too

14.Another important thing: Keep in mind that long before you see your child with your own eyes, you will look at them via grainy ultrasound imagery. So do NOT freak out if your baby looks like, say, the Predator. Odds are that when your baby is born, they won't actually look like the Predator.

Ghostly image of a ghoul

15.There are a lot of quirky — and maybe more than a little weird — people you will meet on your family's pregnancy journey. Lamaze coaches, randos in the street who want to touch your partner's stomach, and even obstetricians...like the one who uses this pen:

A fertility center pen showing an egg and sperm in a transparent part

16.Then there's the matter of the baby shower. Most likely, this is something your partner's family and friends will handle entirely, and all you will have to do is show up or get lost for the day. But! If you ARE asked to help, I would advise against making a chip-and-dip bowl like the one this dad-to-be made:

A naked baby doll on its back with its legs up in the air at the top of a large bowl, with liquidy, yellow-green dip extending from its bottom and surrounded by chips

17.To sum things up, guys, while I don't believe pregnant people are as difficult to deal with as Google does (sheesh, Google!), it is true that your partner might be a little on edge, considering all the stress, hormones, and strain on their body. So don't make their life any harder than it already is by being a dumbo!

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