What your co-workers really think of you

By: Gil Schwartz

A few years ago – okay, actually it was more than a few years ago – I was sitting at the networked word processor that served our office in the days before everybody got a personal computer. I know this dates me, but the hell with it. I’ve probably been around for a lot longer than you, which has given me a chance to get to know a few things you don’t, which is why I make a lot more money than you.

And I intend to keep it that way. If that means you’ll like me less than you might if I were more tractable, well, I really don’t care.

On one level, it’s important not to care if people like you or not. That’s what makes this business and not a stroll in the park.

Anyhow, I was sitting at one of the machines on which we generated our documents back then. It was called a Lexitron and we all thought it was pretty cool. One of the fun things about the Lexitron was the games you could play on the network – all word games, of course; there were no graphics to speak of.

One of these games was called Animal and would display clues like “What has four legs, short hair and a long proboscis and feeds on subterranean insect life?” We’d answer it with a question, Jeopardy-style:

“What is an aardvark?”

Since corporate life is boring, we quickly developed the ability to form our own questions, post them on the network and wait for the inevitable saucy, rude replies that would brighten our day.

“What is bald and fat and sleeps in the afternoon?” would appear in the database of questions on local animal life, producing the response “What is a Chuck Roover?” to the general amusement of all.

One afternoon I sat down at the Lexitron, fired up Animal and took a look at the questions that had been submitted by my peers. About halfway down the list, I spied this: “What has hair on its ears, pompous red suspenders, a round tummy and thinks way too much of itself?” After which the solution was posted: “What is a Schwartz?”

I won’t lie to you. This hurt my feelings. Obviously, I immediately shaved my ears and have been doing so ever since. I also ditched the suspenders and 10 kilos that I could gain back at my leisure. The quality I convey to others – that I think a lot of myself – isn’t really something I can do anything about. I’ve tried. I can’t change it. Anybody beneath me in the corporate tree can just get over it.

Learning to see ourselves as others see us isn’t always easy, particularly in an environment where insincerity is one of the assets that wins its practitioners valuable prizes. But it’s important. And you can start by asking yourself the following questions.

How often do people initiate conversations with me?
You’re walking down the corridor, thinking your own thoughts. Or perhaps you’re on the street, returning from some event of fictional importance. Here comes Pete, a bloke from sales or marketing or, God forbid, finance. “Dude!” says Pete, clapping a hand on your shoulder and launching into some spiel in which only a guy who had been sequestered in solitude on a desert island for a couple of years would have any interest. On the other hand, it’s clear that Pete has enjoyed himself immensely because he has had a conversation with somebody who touches the squishy part of his humanity that he defines to himself as “Me”.

Before you get back to your cubicle or broom closet, the same event has occurred a couple more times.

In fact, there are times when you feel as if you could run for president of the office workers’ union around here.

When people talk to me, what is their general demeanour?
Do they smile? Nod thoughtfully? Lean into your conversation? Do their cheeks flush with pleasure when you say something nice? Do they revel in sharing risqué little secrets and jokes about fellow workers?
If they are of the opposite gender, is there a little flirty thing going on that is innocent, but still kind of pleasurable? When you part, do they squeeze some appropriate part of your body?

On the opposite end of the spectrum, do people look preoccupied when you approach? When you enter a room, do they stop talking and say things to each other like, “Well, let’s get back to that immediately” and then scatter in all directions? Do they glance at their watches during a conversation with you? Do they say things like, “Get out of my face, you inconsequential turd”? These are all indications that your act isn’t going over too well.

When the other guys go out for a cheap, unscheduled lunch, am I invited?
People are always setting up lunches and after-work drinks with individuals they don’t hate and you’re not going to be asked to go every time.

But if the entire office decides – on a whim – to head out to grab some Thai and they rumble past your door, chuckling and hooting, without popping a head in to ask if you want to come along, you have a problem.

We’re not talking about invitations to events of corporate value and import. The question of what official doings you’re invited to must be tackled as a professional matter, although there is some crossover.

In other words, if you’re not needed at the next executive retreat, it may be because your title simply isn’t big enough, not because you’re unpopular with your peers. On the other hand, what’s Bennett doing there? He has the same title as you! See what I mean?

The fact is, guys who are liked personally, at least by their superiors, tend to do better. Those who are either despised or simply off the radar have problems that Tom Hanks and Matt Damon don’t encounter because those two guys are just so damn likeable.

Am I copied on a bunch of stupid e-mails that hold absolutely no interest for me and am I invited to meetings whose purpose has nothing to do with my function?
Anybody who has been in business for more than two weeks knows one basic truth: that 84.5 per cent of all meetings are total bullsh*t.

The only thing that makes them tolerable is making sure they’re spent primarily with people you like and whose ideas you even slightly respect. If 30 per cent of your job is this kind of stuff, you’re liked. If you’re only involved electronically in matters to which you can contribute something intelligent, you’re not.

When I was riding on the drunken, late-night courtesy bus at the corporate retreat on Sanibel Island last year, did Betty Bostwick sit next to me, slide her hand into the back of my casual slacks and make out with me?

No? Why not? Is it your breath? Try those little breath strips. They work.

But seriously, a woman snuggling up to you inappropriately in the quiet, warm confines of a corporate retreat is always a good sign that your stock is held in good standing. Nobody wants to suck face with a loser.

Do I have a nickname, even one that is slightly insulting?
The entry-level nickname that indicates that someone is held in some esteem, at this point in history, seems to be “Mate”. As you progress, you may find that you have been issued your own sobriquet.

For a while, I was Big Guy, then I lost 10kg, after which I was demoted, a bit sadly, back to Mate.

The popular players on my team find their names distorted into little twists that indicate affection: George has become Yorgi. Bob is the Bobster. It makes life more tolerable when the folks around you have love handles like that. Treasure yours if you get one. Don’t worry if you don’t, of course. You can’t hurry love.

Do people deposit steaming piles of dog turd in my mailbox?
Or, more likely, you hear Bottomley and Davies chuckling at the end of the conference table because of your new haircut, which, truth be told, does rather bring your ears into high relief, but what of it?

What’s wrong with these people?
What’s wrong with them is that they have found a point of unity in making you feel like a puddle of goo beneath the transmission of the corporation.

Sometimes this indicates a certain form of affection, expressed by men and women for whom sadism and love go hand in glove. As such, it doesn’t hurt you at all. But when you become the little fellow whose lunch is always taken away at recess, you have to step in and stop the cycle of amusing cruelty of which you are the butt. You can usually do so with a pointed, “F*ck off, Ed”.

Or you may choose a more appropriate route, like insulting their mothers. Select your weapon. The only people who are consistently bullied are those who in some way give other people permission to do so.

What do I think of the people I work with? Do I like them? Look forward to seeing them? Value their opinions?
These are the most crucial questions of all, gentlemen. Good listeners are often known as great conversationalists, even though they hardly say a word. It’s the attention they pay that gives them the reputation of great talkers.

The same is true of professional regard. If you like other people, they will like you; it’s really that simple. If you treat them with respect and compassion, they will feel good in your presence and seek you out. If you act like a thug, they will hate you and steer clear of your negative vibratory activity.

To paraphrase JFK (a charming fellow, well liked by people of both sexes): ask not what your peers may think of you; ask what you think of them. If the answer is sweet and nice, chances are, all that glow is coming right back at ya.

THAT’S ABOUT IT. But I would be remiss if I didn’t offer five simple ways to make people like you better. They are:
Listen more. Human life is all about exercising the self. Let people exercise theirs all over you and they will think you’re a great guy.

Learn about others. Then introduce things about them into your conversation. “Hey, Bill,” you may say to Bill, “how’s that hamstring injury?” This is different from simply stopping by his cubicle and regaling him with the saga of your barbecue mishap over the weekend.

Look and smell your best. Well-dressed, -coiffed and-scented (but not overly fragrant) men are appreciated. But don’t overdo it. Use your judgment. A fop is a stranger in his own country.

Get a few ideas and share them. This is, after all, business, my brothers. In an office environment, people are often faced with a tangled, confusing bunch of problems each day. So if you have potential solutions to these, offer them to others so that they, not you, look good. Do this a few times and your name will be revered.

Brandish your plastic. Everybody loves the man who picks up the bill. This conveys generosity and reveals a certain corporate power, a flamboyance in the face of the fiduciary restrictions. It’s a good thing. Do it.

Finally, keep one last thing in mind: you’re not going to be liked by everybody. As you rise to more powerful positions, the possibility exists that you may be liked by virtually nobody. So just do your best. Be as cool and friendly as possible, but when all is said and done, forget about it. Who knows? You may actually be a jerk and you’ve just got to play the cards that God gave you.

How to Take Command at the Office

It's your first day on the job. Your new peers can’t wait to rip you to shreds; subordinates are looking forward to hating you. Here’s how to be perceived as a strong leader, even if you don’t have a clue:
1. BE A LITTLE WEIRD. The image you want to convey is, “I’m just like you, only better”. Eccentricity is respected as long as it doesn’t go too far. Try a retro tie with your black suit. That shows you respect tradition, but are independent. Or go for a solid-primary-colour shirt (red, green, blue) – it’s bold, just like you.

2. TAKE OWNERSHIP. Even if you plan to observe for months before making any major decisions, it’s important to take control of something early: meeting times, lunch hours, travel requests, the bathroom key. It doesn’t matter what, just that you make others come to you.

3. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT. Newcomers often make the mistake of trying to be inclusive, so they’ll say things like, “We should consider . . .” Rather say: “I want us to consider . . .” Remind them who’s in charge.

4. STAND TALL. You’ll think better on your feet and force others to look up to you. Studies show that tall people are perceived as better leaders.

5. PUT OTHERS IN THEIR PLACE. A person with low self-esteem is more easily manipulated, so throw subtle barbs at potential naysayers: “Great shoes – you ought to have them shined” or “Have you ever thought of shaving your beard?” The reverse also works: one-up them by sporting your new shoes, briefcase or BlackBerry.

6. CHANGE YOUR EYE COLOUR . . . Steel-grey eyes are considered the most commanding, followed by blue, which are also seen as warm. Brown does nothing for you.

7. OR WEAR GLASSES. Glasses put up a barrier – bad for building relationships, but excellent when you’re marking your territory. Make others squirm by looking at them over the tops of your lenses – they’ll think they’re under scrutiny.

8. MEMORISE THE AGENDA. Working without paper will make you seem smarter and more certain of your department’s direction.