Rut-proof your relationship

Do you and your husband spend your alone time talking about the frequency of your baby’s projectile vomiting? Can you and your boyfriend find – at any hour, any night of the week – an episode of Law & Order to watch? Are you having “Eight-Minute Missionary Every Other Tuesday” sex? Could be you’ve fallen into a relationship rut. And you know the old saying: the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth of the hole.

We’re not stuck, you say. We’re just comfortable. Maybe so. “One couple’s rut may be your fun evening,” says Dr Pepper Schwartz, sociology professor at the University of Washington, US. “The question is, how does it feel?” If you’d rather do housework than each other, you’ve got some digging to do.

I don’t have time, you say. No worries, we brought a shovel. Here’s how to rescue yourself from the five routines that plague couples most.

1: ARE WE TURNING ON OUR COMPUTERS AGAIN?

There are those who spend 14 hours at the office; those who work opposite shifts and are mere ships passing in the shower; those who work all day and all night (and all weekend) cleaning, mowing, cooking, babying.

“The worst part of this rut is that you can be considered a champion for being so dedicated,” says couples coach Dr Jim Sniechowski, co-author of Be Loved For Who You Really Are. “But you’re letting your work be more important than your relationship.”

Most of us can’t quit work, but we can make an effort in bite-size pieces. “Make time for brief connections, like a kiss as you pass in the hall. And don’t keep passionate thoughts about your partner to yourself – speak up,” says WH relationships expert Dr Traci Coventry. “Same goes for any communication: a rut can happen when couples assume they know everything about each other and stop communicating.”

Try having a “Last-minute Party”. After every few weeks of workaholism, log on to lastminute.com.au at 4pm on a weekday for a hotel deal somewhere nearby. You get to be together in swanky hotels at low rates, and there’s only one stipulation: no laptops or iPhones.

2: IS IT DINNER AND A MOVIE AGAIN?

You already know about date nights. That’s the problem. But how to make them novel and build anticipation? “Unless you push your boundaries, you may as well watch TV,” says WH sex expert Jacqueline Hellyer. “Buy tickets to something that requires planning and dressing up. If you stick to the status quo, at least dare each other to go knickerless to the movie.”

Too hard to break out of your dating holding pattern? Each of you write a list of things you’ve always wanted to try – indoor rock climbing, life drawing classes, authentic Vietnamese in the suburbs – and exchange. You might be surprised and it’ll “keep up your lust for life, as well as each other, plus give you memories for when you’re old,” says Dr Coventry. Because you sure won’t be reminiscing about the night you watched that Michael Moore doco.

3: ARE WE FIGHTING OVER THE DISHES AGAIN?

“There’s nothing more harmful to a relationship than feeling like you’re not gaining ground on something,” Dr Schwartz says. But we keep getting into the same sweaty ring, swearing this time we’ll throw the knockout punch as the crowd cheers.

Most people argue by launching the same ammo but expecting different results. “You need to step back and ask, ‘What does he always say before I say that? What does he do before I do that?’” advises marriage counsellor Michele Weiner-Davis.

Then, you need to change what you’re saying or doing.

Case study: Chris and Ally were stuck. Whenever she came home from work, he was watching sport on TV. He would ask her how her day was, expecting a one-word answer. She’d launch into a vent and, though he would try to listen, he’d glance at the TV, which turned into a huge fight. But when Ally stepped back, she realised she wasn’t changing her ammo. So the next time he asked her about her day, she said, “Chris, you’re a sweet man. But if you ask me about my day, I’m going to tell you. If you want to watch the TV, just say, ‘Ally, I’ll talk to you when this show is over.’ Stop trying to be the nice guy, because it’s really pissing me off.” Bullseye.

4: ARE WE WATCHING LAW & ORDER AGAIN?

Too much telly is a two-fold problem, says Hellyer. First, people watch unconsciously. “When you veg in front of the TV and the hours pass, experts believe you actually enter a low-level depressive state. And when you’re depressed, you lose interest in sex,” she explains. Secondly, the smorgasboard of crime shows broadcast every night is too tempting. “There’s blood, guts, gloom and doom – negative emotions,” says Hellyer. Buh-bye, warm feeling in the pants.

If you can watch TV consciously, it might enhance your relationship. Just choose your show carefully, and cap it at one hour. “Go for funny, feel-good shows or something that works your brain. Talk about it afterwards – any interaction is good,” says Hellyer.

5: IS IT TUESDAY NIGHT AGAIN?

According to Hellyer, bad sex is the second most common reason for divorce after financial issues.

“Our bodies produce sex chemicals naturally. That’s nature helping us hook up,” says clinical sexologist Dr Ian Kerner. “When the sex is no longer new, we need to trick the brain into stimulating those chemicals. We need novelty.” But it’s better to break the ice before breaking the iceberg. Tell each other about sexy dreams you’ve had. Have sex in a room in which you’ve never had sex before. Share in a sex-toy show-and-tell.

But what to do if you’ve been together so long you know each other’s credit card numbers – but he’s never used his digits to get you off? It’s almost impossible to tell your partner that what he’s been doing all these years is not quite right, says Hellyer.

“Better to say, ‘I think we’ve become complacent in the sack’ or ‘My preferences have changed’ and hopefully he’ll agree to up the stakes.” Don’t blame each other for sloppy sex; treat it as a project. Now get to work.

SEX STAT: 35 per cent of Aussies would rather get stuck into a novel than get into bed with their partner, if given an extra hour in their day. Only twenty per cent would opt for one-on-one time with their lovers.*!!! ''!!!*Source: IKEA survey of 1057 Australians. ''