How to be romantic in a long-term relationship

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I believe it was Rousseau who said, “Romance schmomance.”

Or was it Spinoza? Doesn’t matter. Whoever said it understood that while a certain kind of romance has its place at the start of a relationship, it changes into something else as everyone stops listening to Mazzy Star and comes back down to earth.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a very romantic person, especially where art is concerned. I get teary-eyed at Van Gogh’s wheatfield paintings and I’m not above curling up into a ball and weeping uncontrollably at the end of The English Patient. And when my lady friend and I first got together, I had dreams about holding hands and running through fields while singing Save Me by Aimee Mann. I also made a big effort to remember the names of her family members. Now, several years into our relationship, while I have great affection for her, I just don’t have those kinds of dreams and I’ve accepted I’m not going to remember that one uncle’s name. We rarely see the guy and he’s technically not even related to anyone. He just hangs around...

That doesn’t mean I don’t do nice things, like organise picnics, though that tends to exhaust me on a deep, existential level. First you have to buy all the stuff. What do people need for a picnic? Wine and a blanket? Oh God, that blanket. That blanket brings nothing but pain. Who’s going to unfold this thing? Who sits where? Why are we sitting so close on this one piece of cloth? Why can’t I have a chair?! I’ll go on that picnic for my lady friend because she thinks it’s romantic. But inside I’m thinking, “Is it really?” The gesture is more about the stuff we have to do to keep a relationship going, and not that much to do with romance. If it was, I’d be in trouble. (Oh God, please don’t let me be in trouble.) Relationships don’t last because of the kind of romance guys woo you with. If that was the case, most blokes would end up solo on the couch in old underpants with only Kramer and Newman for company after about 10 months.

No, relationships endure because of mutual respect, like-mindedness, a sense of humour, affection, teamwork and a lot of other practical stuff. I propose we need another term for romance, something like Mature Affection Cosy Cuddle Time? MACCT? OK, no. How about Getting It On Grown-Up Style? You might say, “Tonight? Oh, my husband and I are going out for dinner, where we’ll be Getting It On Grown-Up Style.” OK, it needs more thought. But are we doing ourselves a disservice by confusing relationship maintenance with the rockets and stars that starts it? We all know what happens when you base your relationships on a fairytale – you find out the guy who once serenaded you every day is also stealing twenties from your purse.

You know what’s more important than romance? Liking someone. Sharing a laugh. Isn’t that enough? The miracle that someone you like actually likes you? It’s not the highest of odds. I mean, look at you. You’re no prize. Kidding! And he definitely isn’t. Take the money and run!

Of course, I respect the romantic process and its place in leading to something special. But mostly it belongs in the movies. It belongs to teenagers and the people who are just starting out, exploring and probably robbing each other in some dodgy backpackers’ hotel on the Gold Coast. And that’s where it can stay. I’m happy to do our take on romance – picnic blankets for her if she’ll let me clock up excessive hours playing Xbox. All’s fair in love, after all.

Wall-E is considered the third most romantic film of all time. Number one and two? Love Actually and

The Notebook (zero points for guessing those). Source: Love Film/Mind Lab International