Yahoo Lifestyle (Girl) friends with benefits
Photography Thinkstock
The last time I checked, I had 643 Facebook friends and 1124 Twitter followers.
To me, it feels like a pretty exclusive group. But when a lazy evening rolls around and I realise there’s no one I can invite over for an impromptu TV night, I pine for when I may have had only a half-dozen friends but saw them often and in person. It’s not just me, either. Researchers have found that people are “collecting more acquaintances but don’t really have time for true friendships,” says Andrea Bonior, an adjunct professor of psychology at Georgetown University, US, and writer of Psychology Today’s Friendship 2.0 blog. “We’re actually starting to get lonelier.”
Knowing more people but actually having fewer friends sounds counterintuitive, until you consider a recent poll by digital marketing firm Performics, which found that nearly 40 per cent of adults feel more comfortable socialising online than face-to-face. I’m one of them.
A few minutes ago, I declined a dinner invitation from my most raucous girlfriends. I just saw them… six months ago. I feverishly “like” my best friend’s Instagram photos of the suburb she just moved to, but I haven’t called to ask how she’s doing. And I can’t remember the last time I befriended someone new – at least off-screen.
Whether you blame Mark Zuckerberg or not, today’s terminology for what makes someone a “friend” has gotten muddied. “How many of the friends hanging around in your feed would you bother to ask to brunch?” asks Bonior. In addition, digital interactions don’t have the same benefits as IRL shopping excursions or froyo dates.
Girlfriends, in particular, come with special bonds and benefits. Numerous studies have shown that hanging with the gals can lower blood pressure, reduce the risk of depression and create a sense of wellbeing. One landmark study from the University of California, US, showed that hanging out with female friends in times of stress releases oxytocin in the body, a hormone that counters tension and produces a calming effect.
And in another study published in the journal PLOS Medicine, researchers found that having a pitiful social life is as bad as (or worse than) being an alcoholic, smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being obese. It seems friendship is healthier than kale, people!
One big sign your own bonds are lacklustre is that you aren’t doing things you’d like to do (karaoke! Pub trivia! Juice cleanse!) because you have no one to join you, says Irene Levine, a professor of psychiatry and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend.
This doesn’t mean that all of your mates have to have “best friend” status. Your gym pal may help you stay in shape, but you wouldn’t call her for a lift home from the airport. Bonior says it can take any number of friends to fill the major roles: the listener, the cheerleader, the good-time gal and the shoulder to cry on. The one constant is “you want the best for her and she wants the best for you,” says Bonior. “You’re both giving and receiving the benefits.”
So what’s stopping you? Step up your friendship game with these tips...
Don’t let your online friends be a time suck
Touching base with your high-school classmate online is fine, but you shouldn’t spend two hours scrolling through her party pics. “Checking Twitter and Facebook can eat into time you might have otherwise spent with a close friend,” says Carlin Flora, author of Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are.
You’re not that busy – stop rescheduling
When a great romantic date ends, you’d never say, “We should do it again sometime,” then let it go for three months. So why don’t your girlfriends get that same courtesy?
“It takes six to eight connections with somebody before we start considering her a friend,” says life coach Shasta Nelson, author of Friendships Don’t Just Happen! If you meet up only once a month, it can take the better part of a year to reach that level of closeness.
Force yourself to make new friends
Obviously, you’d rather watch TV than go to a bar with someone you barely know, “but if you meet with the same person over and over again, chances are high that you’ll forge a meaningful friendship,” says Nelson. Try extending the time you see your casual acquaintances; for example, if you’ve been doing downward dog next to someone for a few months, ask if she wants to get a smoothie after the class.
Make a gesture, small or large
Meaningful actions can mark you as a great friend, so jump in and be the one who throws her a 35th-birthday bash or drives four hours to attend her aunt’s funeral, says Flora. When former publishing executive Rachel Guidera’s home and most of her possessions were damaged by a cyclone, her friend Corrine Butler Thompson immediately started a fundraising campaign to help out – and raised more than $10,000.
From time to time, pick up the phone
“Force yourself to have one long, meandering, laughter-filled phone call with a close friend at least once a month, whether she lives close by or far away,” suggests Flora, who notes a study from the University of Wisconsin-Madison, US, which found that stressed-out young girls who spoke on the phone with their mums showed a decrease in the stress hormone cortisol and an increase in the anxiety-reducing hormone oxytocin. The same kind of mood enhancement would likely occur after a gab-fest between good friends, too, she says.
Have a new-girl game plan
It’s possible to make friends as an adult without seeming desperate or weird, says life coach Shasta Nelson. We feel closer to somebody if we are introduced by a mutual friend, so why act coy?
If you’re leaving town, tell your Facebook friends, “I’m moving to Sydney – introduce me to your friends who live there.”
If you’re shy, tell the most outgoing hostess you know that you’d love to help her with any upcoming parties if she’ll invite you and introduce you around.
If you aren’t a joiner, think about where you already go: do you use your laptop at a certain cafe? Keep your eyes open to see if someone else comes in often, too. If you hit the gym at the same time every day, start saying hi to the woman who’s always on the treadmill next to you.
How to break up with a friend
If you’ve outgrown her Try a “slow fade,” says psychology professor Andrea Bonior. Let emails go unanswered longer, become unavailable for plans, don’t give as many details about your life or ask as many questions about hers. If she actually asks why you never hang out anymore, Bonior suggests saying this (after you die inside): “You’re right. I’ve been more distant lately. But I’ll always value our friendship, even if I’m not in contact as much as I used to be.”
If she betrayed you It’s best to officially cut things off – specify what she did wrong and tell her you’ll be distancing yourself. But if confrontation is likely to create a huge conflict (or a possible Facebook drama), the fade-away again becomes a fine option. Don’t feel guilty about it – she betrayed you, remember?
If you’re just not that into her Are you a Judgey McJudgerson if you hate her cringe-worthy laugh and the way she
live-tweets all of your lunch dates, or if you simply find her annoying? Nah. But “don’t leave her wondering,” says Bonior. “It’s awkward, but you owe it to her and yourself.” Feel free to blame it on logistics or your schedule, but make it clear that the situation is permanent: “My life has changed a bit lately and I’m not able to give the same
energy to some of my friendships as I used to.”
